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Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said. "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes then said. "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fngers in the ashes, she said. "Herman, remember that blo-job l promised you?" "Here it comes...."
1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years:
Interesting Year 1981:
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost The Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
Interesting Year 2005:
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost The Ashes.
4. The Pope died.
Lesson Learned: The next time Prince Charles gets married.. Someone warn The Pope.
An Englishman in France
An elderly English gentleman of 93 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough, monsieur, to have your passport ready.
The Englishman said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.
'Impossible monsieur, the English always have to show their passports on arrival in France!
The Englishman gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained...........
'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen on the beach to show it to'.
It says it all
It's Magic
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem. The Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look it's not the same hat!" Or "Look he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captains parrot.
Then one stormy night in the Pacific the ship sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean and, as fate would have it ...... with the parrot. They stared at each other with bitter hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day. And then two days..... and then three days.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"O.K., I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?""Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams ... If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
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For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until
the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to
begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today.""Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a
man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your mother."
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?" !
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..." Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave." Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said "What's a headache?"
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has any body seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?"..............Half the women stood up.
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is
has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.