Outstation Run: # 2, Friday 14th to Sunday 16th January 2005

The Offer: Included

 Air conditioned Bus transportation both ways.
Two nights accommodation in Kanchanaburi province
Meal on arrival Friday evening.
Breakfast and Lunch on Saturday
The run and raft on Saturday afternoon
Run t-shirt
Secluded circle on the raft with plenty of beer and ice
Evening meal and Thai show
Breakfast then hangover run on Sunday
Circle and bus departure back to Pattaya
 

Secluded and romantic

Run Report and Photographs

Friday morning finally arrived. I know I have something to do today, what can it be? Oh shit we gotta pack some bags and get down to Mike's Shopping Mall for noon in order to catch the bus and get away for the weekend on the PH3 Outstation Run number 0002. A quick look out of the window, oh my Buddha it's actually raining for the first time in 3 months or so, no need to water the grass before we leave. Got to the bus by noon to find quite a few already there shaking the rain out of their hair after the run across 2nd road from The Kiss Restaurant cheap breakfast bar.

The bus finally got away at 1 pm and headed north for the Highway 7 Highway. Plenty of room on the bus with air conditioning and toilet facilities (you need this when the badman is onboard). We stopped after approx 1 hr 15 mins so that supplies of snacks and beer could be picked up by those who needed them. Once underway again it wasn't too long before we hit Bangkok, by now the sun was shining and any sign of rain had long disappeared. Sun Flower by now was on her 5th phone call explaining to different people where she was and where she was going. The badman Arse-Holeo was on his 5th visit to the hong nam after finishing his umpteenth liquid refreshment. It was about this time when Chicken Nugget decided he needed to unload a Richard the 3rd, I didn't have chance to see for myself but I was assured by several hong nam visitors that it kept on popping up for all to see? Anyway enough of that kind of talk. Once we got through Bangkok it was a straight run out to Kanchanaburi. We arrived at the Wangsing Resort at 6:30 pm where we were greeted by Seaman Stains and Seaman Swallow who had organised the room keys so we could all get a quick wash and brush up before the evening meal. General Kidney Wiper and his family had already arrived via their own transport. A quick check of the accommodation soon dispelled any worries, the bungalows and resort area were very clean so a quick shower and unpack the bags then it was up to the restaurant and the start of the evenings entertainment.

An excellent Thai meal was provided and all seemed happy. The usual Karaoke was in full swing on the stage which provided a musical background. The beer was flowing now and everything was looking great. The Pope unzipped his bag and out came the bottle of Gin and cans of tonic, so myself and General Kidney Wiper decided he would need some help in the small matter of emptying this liquid, this fete was accomplished with the help of Seaman Stains and by this time we decided to call it an evening although most of the others were still partying, Sir Chicken F'r and his Nugget ended up down by the river dancing with the locals whilst the badman and his crew of Golden Dildo and Absolutely No F'ing Idea were still in the process of getting to know each others bad habits. Big Nosed Bastard arrived after driving up so he could help Ringworm through his no smoking phase. The Scandi's were trying and succeeding to take on copious amounts of fluid ready for the big run the next day.

It was up out of bed on Saturday at 8:15 am and straight into the bathroom and 5 mins of head down the toilet shouting for Hughie, there must have been a bad can of tonic amongst the drinks last night, that's the only conclusion I can come to. I didn't feel like any breakfast so it was back to bed for another hour or so after taking the magic pill (paracetamol I mean not a smarty I didn't want to disturb Rottweiler). It was then time to take Jatingja around the grounds and program the minds GPS system so as not to get lost looking for the room again. By the look of the photo of Jatingja I don't think he was too impressed with the livestock. We had all been pre-briefed the previous evening by the hares to be fed between 11 am and 12 noon and down to the raft on the river at 12 noon, things didn't actually go to plan here seeing as the food didn't start getting served till about 11:45. We finally managed to have a full crew on the raft by around 12:30 when Big Dick finally showed up. This man is going to be hard to find when it's his own funeral. Let go forward was the cry from the bridge, let go aft soon followed and all of a sudden we were being towed up river towards the Burmese border at a great rate of knots, we were only overtaken once and that was a skier out on the latest Thai ski board know as the shithouse door. Believe me this is a sight that should not be missed. The intention was to go by raft much further up river but the water level was too low.

Look at me Mom!

Where's Robin?
 

Mystery trip.

The badman and his followers.

This is the life!
 

Taking in the views.

Still heading north.

 

Don't fall overboard girls.

Are we going the right way Billy?
 

We finally tied up alongside the river bank about 1:15 pm and the runners boarded the bus, whilst the non running cracks took in the local sight of the old temple ruins. The bus took us first to the Cliff view resort, this apparently was going to be the end of the run. My GPS brain then stored this data for any available short cuts that might seem viable during the run. We were then taken to the start of the run, held a short circle and the run then got underway about 1:40 pm down a trail, through ploughed fields and around in crop circles through a lot of corn field areas, every check I went through had already been solved and broken, myself, Golden Dildo and Absolutely No Fucking Idea did indeed take a detour from the trail to take in an excellent river view but this did not delay us for long, only enough to put us at the back of the pack (what's new?). There was one section we went through that was full of animal traps, I wonder if this was done by the hares deliberately? We came to a tarmac road after nearly an hour, this is when the GPS brain kicked in from previously. The run carried on straight across the road but the brain sent a signal saying turn left walk 150 metres and you will see the Cliff view resort sign. Hey Presto there I was first runner in after only an hour. The front runners also started coming in after 1 hr and 3 minutes, everybody back after about 1 hour 30 mins. All claimed it was a very good run even though lots of runners had blood running down their legs and The Pope looked like he had just come out of a mud wrestling contest. A cooler full of beer had been provided, then the sun finally appeared after the run so this made for a pleasant hour or so of relaxation before boarding the bus again to take us back to the raft. We got back on the raft by approx 4 pm and got straight into the beer and some excellent noodles. We then let go the ropes and headed down river back towards the Wansing Resort taking in the sights again and taking in more liquid.

T- shirts were handed out to the 45 weekend participants on the way back down river, a good shirt was agreed by all. Sir Chicken Fucker took on the role of GM and called a circle after the raft was tied up back at the resort. He duly iced the hares Seaman Stains, Vietnamese Violator and Seaman Swallow and a good run was decided by all aboard the good ship Lollypop. Sinners were duly dealt with, firstly Spin King was renamed Spew King after discharging his stomach contents into the river thereby polluting the river with lots of diced carrots. I must add he was straight back into the Heineken almost immediately. Next sinner in was Festering Whale Dick Sucker who had made his own way to the run and used his own accommodation, is he fussy or what? Maybe the thought of staying in the same resort as the badman had got to him. PH3 royalty were the next onto the ice, the King, Queen and their loyal Jester T4. Terminal 4 had got a slight infection in his eye, maybe this was caused by splash back from the large Richard the 3rd mentioned earlier in the report. He also seemed worried about a herd of Crocodiles overturning the raft and eating all the children and women. Do they have crocodiles in Thai rivers? If so how come nobody threw Arse-Holeo overboard? Big Nosed Bastard and Ringworm took to the ice and confessed their sins, then it was the turn of Sun Flower to show some skin with a little help from the badman so we got the best view but look how embarrassed she became, poor girl, will the badman ever be a good man? I really don't think this is possible. Whilst the circle was going on there were brief interruptions due to the skiing activity that was taking place on the river, this was very funny especially the look on the skiers face when they were mooned by Arse-Holeo and co.

Sir Chicken Fucker continued the circle by icing himself along with his friends Big Nosed Bastard and The Pope. Lots of different stories were told about the previous evenings antics that were going on around the resort. Chicken Nugget even had to explain how Papa ended up dancing with local Thai ladies. Was this the one that only had one leg, then had to get a wooden leg which was eaten by termites, it was all too much to take in, a towel was need to keep the eyes clear. Skiing Finn was asked about the skiing that was going on, all taking place on a shit house door. It was finally the turn of the badman Arse-Holeo who had to explain his devious actions over the last 24 hours which can't be wrote about in this family edition of the report. His two room mates and buddies were then iced along with him to defend themselves against the stories that were coming from the badman's mouth. It was quite obvious to all around the circle that room 406 was definitely the one room to stay clear of after the hours of darkness. I certainly hope these three gentlemen don't have to do a visa run together anytime.

Rudi Voeller was iced along with his mystery lady Lek. Has anyone ever seen her on a Monday Run before? I am sure there is someone out there who knows the truth behind this story. More Scandi sinners iced then, namely Smiling Brown Spider and Shit for Brains. Who knows what these Scandi's get up to in the wee small hours of the night? Rudi Voeller joined the lads on the ice and our GM Sir Chicken Fucker then handed the circle over to Ringworm and Big Nosed Bastard, Sun Flower was brought into the circle and laid out in a dead posture across the lads knees. I hope Smiling Brown Spider could keep from getting a movement! Ringworm and Big Nosed Bastard then entertained us with a song about dead people which was very funny. The hash hymn was then sung and the circled ended so we all could go and get ready for the evenings entertainment which was being made ready for us. This gave us about thirty minutes to have a quick shower or whatever else was deemed necessary at the time. The evenings entertainment started at 7 pm, most of us were there right from the start and got stuck into some more Thai and Farang food which was once again well prepared and good. Then General Kidney Wiper opened the contents of his mornings shopping trip, another bottle of gin to get through with various cans of soft drinks as mixers. The Pope pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels and there was plenty of Heineken in the coolers so thinks soon livened up pretty quick When the show started General Kidney Wiper seemed to go missing!

Well this is where we found him, hanging onto the stage, then low and behold we turned around again and he was up there dancing with the girls, what a player, rumour has it though that he had to clear this move with Kill Benny first. Lots of fine looking Thai singers entertained us during the evening but the highlight was when Seaman Swallow came out with some of our cracks and gave us a couple of popular Thai songs which went down very well with all in attendance, this young lady certainly knows how to entertain. You would really have to have been there to fully appreciate the show. The Gin, The Jack Daniels and the Heineken were all kicking in now and really helping towards the great atmosphere. General Kidney Wiper was showing signs of tiredness so Kill Benny whisked him over her shoulder and took him off to bed and then re-appeared with her own whiskey refreshment. The Scandi's were busy keeping the flow of liquids on the move. This was so far an excellent weekend and still one more day to come.

Two or three times during the course of the late night after most people were in bed a few disturbances were heard origination from the room 406 area, nothing serious though but I suppose the badman has this effect on people, the rumours that came to light would be dealt with in the circle after the hangover run on Sunday lunch time.
Most people showed up for breakfast at 8 am on Sunday, once again fine food laid out for us. The hares advised us to be ready for a 11:30 am hangover run starting from the entrance grounds of the resort. Most people had their bags packed and placed on the bus before the run started. The run got away at 11:30 as scheduled.

Away we all went down a dirt road to the first check. Big Nosed Bastard was last seen heading down a false trail whilst the run went the other way. The short cutters decided the right way was not the right way for them so we carried on straight when the run went left. We ran into the on in paper about 500 metres down the trail which took us down by the river and up around the side of the Wansing resort, we even passed an empty coca cola can (I wonder where this could have come from). Once again the short cutters just managed to beat the FRB's back to the circle. Everyone was back in within an hour and was straight into a liquid lunch. Snacks of sandwiches and Thai noodles etc were provide, apparently this food was sponsored by the lovely Sun Flower who had acquired a small win on the Thai lottery. Many thanks Sun Flower.

Sir Chicken Fucker ran another good circle, icing Clit Face for accidentally dropping his empty Cola tin, even though this was done with a good heart by hopefully helping the local farmer add this tin to his collection of recycled articles and eventually make him a rich man. Golden Dildo and Absolutely No Fucking Idea were iced and asked to explain why they had taken a piss into Arse-Holeo's hash horn. The Hares were congratulated on providing us with an excellent weekend. The hash hymn was done then it was onto the bus for the journey back towards Pattaya. The first thing we did on the bus was have a whip round for the driver so he would take us to see the Bridge Over The River Kwai, we all spent a good hour there taking photographs and shopping for the usual snacks and lubricants. It was then back on the bus at 4pm and then on the road again heading for Pattaya, the journey back was a little sombre whilst reflecting on the good time had by all. The hares did an excellent job and provided us with such a good time. Thanks to you all for the effort put in to make it such a memorable time.
On On
Clit Face (Sponsored by Gilbey's, Gordon's & Heineken)