Monday 5th June, a very hot sunny day in Pattaya, as myself and my buddy Catch walk down Soi Diana towards the hash bus. We check Pattaya's official weather station situated outside a little beauty salon, the temperature reads 100F or about 38C for the record, just the right weather for a run. We wait outside the Lek hotel as per orders, only to see the bus 100 yards down the road, soon we will be catching it in Jomtien! I sit near the front of the bus with Poncho who is concerned that only 21 signed up at the Scandi bar. I whistle at the girls on their motorbikes whilst Catch has more success whistling at the stray dogs, he manages to bar fine one for later. It is only a short ride to a very nice area near Siam country club, just like where I live in England minus the druggies, tramps and asylum seekers.                                                                              Whilst people sign up I notice Free Willy drive across the unofficial circle nearly killing 2 kids and just missing the ice, being English he should know icy roads are dodgy, he was apparently going from the food stall to the beer truck, a true Brit if ever there was one.                              The circle is called by G.M. Flying Frog, no new shoes this week so Arse-Holeo is called into the circle to drink from his shoe, because he needed something to start him belching. Off we go on the run 97 people signed up the start is thrown into confusion by a false trail but we are soon back on track, a nice run and quite short by Seaman Staines standards, only one swampy bit that is if you followed all the trail and missed out short cuts. I seem to start at the front get passed by 10 people and still manage to come in near the back of the field. Well after the splendid run I go for my weekly hot dog, service is splendid as usual but at this point I did not know how close we where to losing our sausages. I look around and see Poncho trying to steal the raffle prizes, he should try buying more tickets. And what is this Charlie Manson grooming himself, he looks like a true porn star. The circle is called and G.M. asks us all about the run, only Free Willy moans and is iced causing an earthquake 8.5 on the Richter scale when he sat down, you could hear the ice groan. The sausage mystery was solved, the sausages had not turned up at the A site so Hash hero Miserable Cunt went back to Pattaya and saw a group of Katoeys he knew having a Barbie, he asked them for their sausages and they truly obliged so if you had a hot dog thank Miserable Cunt and his Katoeys for their sausages. The raffle was disrupted by a hasher who I shall not name he argued over his raffle prize and was iced, get a life man. Sir Airhead won a faggott d.v.d. his words not mine and went around the circle trying to get rid of it. The hares the Seaman's were on the ice for being so nice just like the Walton's that mushy American TV show. Free Willy on the ice for hash trash he even signed the offending bottle with his name, good to know he is learning how to write. Then a couple of naming's took place, a man from Lapland (NO NOT WALKING STREET) was named Bitch Dog. This brought howls of derision from Catch who was in the bucket for this. Karamba translated Bitch Dog from Lapski into English it was hump my sister! so Karamba is now hash translator, is there no end to the mans talents. A diver was named Lance My Arse A Lot don't even ask why, then a nice lady was given the name Lace The Yellow River because she pees like one, very nice indeed. Lone Wolf is on the ice, he his a martial arts expert he teaches TQDO in tequila Queen and broke a ladies arm trying to force her to buy him  a drink. Then Austin Flowers (myself) and Catch where iced for causing mayhem in the G.M s restaurant on Friday evening. We were drunk though I insist my drink had been spiked and we were very loud and Catch tried to bar fine 3 customers. We received 3 down downs for this, a Manchester City supporter in the circle applauds us and says it reminds him of the best day of his life when Manchester United won the treble. The same hasher goes on to sing a very amusing lobster song he came out of his shell and got his tail up to sing but I am sure there is a claws against this sort of song.
Sir Chicken Fucker takes over and gives us a lecture about India and Scandinavia. All the Scandi hashers are on the ice it is their natural habitat after all. Catch is back in the bucket for continually objecting lawyer style to anything Sir Chicken Fucker says. It was all getting a little chaotic with a belching and burping contest going on between various hashers, the hash songs where sung full bloodied and we all set off back to Jameson's for good nosh and drink, a most enjoyable day was had again.

On on
Austin Flowers