Dear mum, I have arrived safely in Pattaya. And I am staying in a nice little guest house. Five minutes from the beach. It is a very strange street mum. In the day time its quiet. But at about five o'clock about three hundred girls appear from nowhere. And me being a very shy person as you know mum. Its very awkward going to my room with all these girls everywhere. Some even get my name wrong. I keep telling them my name is Ronald, not Cheap Charlie. But it is the place that Uncle Nobby told me to stay at. Today I got a baht bus down beach road to the Scandi Bar. I am getting some exercise with the local running club. (I am sure Uncle Nobby said it was ten baht for the ride. I gave the driver a red one hundred baht note and he gave me no change back). At the Scandi lots of people were standing around. I joined the queue. Mum there was a strange little man dressed in pink called Skinni. I gave him my money. I was thinking to myself could this be one of those Kaboys that Uncle Nobby told me about. But Nobby said they were all over six feet tall. I walked to the bus and looked for a seat by the window. And as you know mum, me being a shy and very spotty person I did not to make skin contact with passengers. And this girl sat next to me. I did not want to make skin contact because I did not want one of my spots to burst. When I told her this was my first time here on holiday she seemed very interested in me. She told me here name was Hoi Yai, (mum what a nice name, not like Hilda or Dorris, Hoi Yai just flows of the tongue). She told me about her sick mum, and her buffaloes, and her poor mums sick chickens that were very ill with a type of bird flu. She said "I look like a man with a good heart" and maybe I could help. She did not seem to notice my spots. Mum it was a lovely bus ride, and we ended up at this big field. There were lots of cars and people standing around. I was getting excited about the run. And then this handsome man called Frying Frog yelled "form a circle" And everyone stood around. And he told us about no food on the bars. Mum maybe I should write a letter to that UN man Kofi, and get some rice sacks sent over or Kentucky Fried. And then these people called hares came in. A lovely girl called Tadpole and a strange man called VP. Tadpole told us about paper being white and red paint and off everybody went. Hoi Yai said "I wait for you tilac" It was a big mad rush and all these people ran off. I followed this man who looked like Concord. And we came to a thing called a check. And we had to look for the way to go. Concord went one way and a man called Biggest Nose went the other way. I just followed everybody else and found my own pace. (As you know mum I don't like to get too hot and sweaty) We found more of these checks and there were people coming back from things called false trails. Eventually after about 55 minutes we came to the end of the run. I thought it was really good.
Lots of people standing around drinking beer and soft drinks. And there was a very old jeep and a bunch of girls selling sausages and hamburgers. I tried one mum but they were not as good as yours. But they were nice all the same. I bought myself a new shirt from this big man called Willy. And mum he had funny yellow shoes just like your ones when you go to the beach. And that handsome man Frying Frog called out again "form a circle". Another lovely girl called Swallow came in and did a raffle. I was getting excited in case I won and had to stand in front of all these people. But as you know mum I have never been very lucky. I did not win anything, but Hoi Yai won a big condom. Mum I do not mean a condom that you buy in the chemist, but one that keeps your drink cold. We then had people coming into the circle and sitting on blocks of ice mum. It looked very cold, and as you know with my piles I was hoping that they would not have me come in. It would have been a big red mess. A man came in called Airhead and he seemed to command a lot of respect and he made the hares sit on the ice. Even the lovely Tadpole. Everybody said it was a good run. I thought it was too. People were coming in and out some sitting on ice and some not. But everybody got a free drink. You would have liked that mum. Although I don't think they had any sherry. Then this old person came in called Ringhole and Bigger Nose and a man who looked scary, called MC. I cannot repeat some of these names to you mum. They had been on holiday to look at motorbikes and got involved with some builders, I am not sure if one of them was having a house built. I was getting a bit drunk at this time mum. And a man came in who had parked his car next to where we were all standing and his Thai wife had turned up. She really looked nice in her black boots and straw hat. We then had a man come in who looked like Charlton Heston, the one in your favourite film The Ten Commandments. He even had a big bible and wore a robe. He also had very nice teeth. And then mum we had a poor man in a wheel chair called "hot wheels' come in and they made him spin on the ice. I don't think you would have liked that. The hares came back in and all the girls came in and danced. The mans wife with the boots was really good and somebody said she worked as a dancer in her spare time.
We had a hash hymn led by a man called "Stains" It was that song "swing low sweet chariot" it was good until that old man and bigger nose started singing that wrap stuff, that you don't like mum. We grabbed a beer for the bus. And I was looking forward to the bus ride back and Hoi Yai was going to take care of me. I am not sure what she meant by that. But we were going out to dinner tomorrow, and I had to pay. Because that is the custom over here mum. A farang always pays. So goodnight everyone and I have really enjoyed my first day with the running club.

Ronald