Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1854 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Sauce for the Goose


Welcome to Run 1854 and a new A-Site past the Shell Station on Hwy 36 and at a busy crossroad. GING GANG GOOLIES jumped out the way and removed his chair just in time before an enormous truck nearly crushed him. Several songtaews with workers finishing work for the day passed by and were puzzled by the motley collection of people hanging about in the country side.

The hares today were meant to be UNSTABLE LOAD and family but his family had better things to do in Koh Samui so ARSE VAN HOLE ably stepped in to help out. LIBERACE asked the hares for their receipts for the fruit and crisps and oops, they forgot to buy any but a quick trip by motorcycle to the Shell station for crisps saved the day. Shame about the fruit.

GM calls first circle and welcomes the virgin, Des Campbell from N. Ireland, a mate of BOB-A-GOB’s. There are several new shoes including MADAM SIN and ARSE BANDIT with his shoes claimed on last week’s hash. The hares explain the run and explain there are two walker/runner splits. The first part was on a nice wide path. After the first split the runners soon overtook the walkers with DEL BOY and HARD ON in the lead. Soon after visitor BOLLYWOOD passed us with SPERM POLLUTER right behind keeping a very close watch on her.

UNSTABLE LOAD was waiting near the A-site with the cars clearly in view but no, it was not the end of the run but a right hand turn and then another walker split. Some took the easy option and headed for the cars. SEAL SUCKER, who was Hash Flash for the day stopped to take pictures of the lovely scenery and then decided to join the walkers. The runner split went up a hill which was known to some hashers so they too decided to do a short cut. I think LIBERACE was one of the few to do the hill as he walked in on the on-in trail. HARD ON was the first real runner back. The Beer Hunters, all ten of them, missed out on a bit of drinking time as they arrived back ten minutes after the first runner.

Second circle is called and SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE and BOLLYWOOD are iced for Hash Trash. I think the GM has a fetish for glasses as he found two pairs and then another pair later in the circle claimed by the virgin.

GM puts hares on the ice and asks the circle for thoughts on the run. Paper was good and terrain was varied but having a split so close to the A-site made it too tempting for some to short cut back.

Raffle time and the lucky winners are IRREGULAR PERIOD - rice cooker, MR POTATO HEAD - cooking pans, Parichat - gin, UNSTABLE LOAD - wine, FRENCH KISS - biscuits, GI JOE - toffees and this time the correct number, LOST CAUSE - waterproof bag.

Now for the awards and WANK-KING'S WANKER seems to have his act sorted out tonight with only two awards, SEAL SUCKER and TWO TIME, both congratulated for 300 runs.

GM’s circle again and STEPTOE is on the ice for Hash Crash. SPERM
POLLUTER takes over and ices CANNONBALL for being too vocal, LIBERACE for taking care of the hash money and a visitor, WORLD WIDE WHORE from Tokyo Samurai Hash, for throwing the back check sticks on the ground and not knowing what to do with them. Hares put in the bucket for not explaining to visitors beforehand what to do with them.

BOB-A-GOB and the virgin on ice. BOB-A-GOB had not explained hash protocol to his visitor so had to demonstrate showing skin from the bucket. The virgin was wearing a hash shirt though, kindly lent by BURL IVES so he was on the ice for his efforts. Des did enjoy the hash and said it was the most pleasurable few hours he had spent in Pattaya. Wonder where he’s been hiding in Pattaya?

GM’s circle again and it’s his Wanker of the Week award time. Contenders are present holder, BOB -A-GOB, and REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD and IRREGULAR PERIOD for showing disrespect by turning their back on the circle last week and not singing the Hash Hymn and the winner is IRREGULAR PERIOD much to RSB’s relief.

Dutch are put on the ice, WHORE IN THE WINDOW, back from drinking in Holland and newcomer, Gerardus, who would like a hash name but after lots of questions from the GM about his work which is 42 years of scientific research he decided we already have the name, BORING CUNT, so his naming will have to wait till EMPEROR AIRHEAD’s return.

ARSE BANDIT and MADAM SIN are iced. They have been together for some time now but AB has been away for three months. He is still John No 1. GM asks MADAM SIN about the car she has, a white Chevrolet. This is all news to ARSE BANDIT but he can’t borrow it to do haring cos he’s too drunk. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Don’t worry ARSE BANDIT, she promised it to SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE later in the on-on Bar after showing her tits.

TUNNEL OF LOVE, the visiting GM from the Samurai Hash in Tokyo takes the circle and gives our GM a down down and a patch. Seems our former GM met them last year at the Japanese Nash Hash and gave her some Pattaya H3 socks. She then teaches us a Japanese hash song, "Oppai Kudasai", which means, show us your boobs please. Appropriately her nine month old daughter who has been hashing since in the womb is called Dome Oppai - give me boobs.

The hares sing us a song “What Shall We Do with a Drunken Hasher” which is a notch up on their blue, blue rendition. Final down down is had by Gerardus, TURD BURGLAR, PHANTOM, HARD ON, TRY-A-FUCK, the visitors and Hash Hymn is led by BALL RINGER and BEN 10.

Then it’s off to The I-Rovers for more drinking and fun. Another fun evening with the PH3. Thank you guys.

On-On!  Sauce for the Goose


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   Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1853 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Absolutely No Fucking Idea


Monday again and when in Pattaya that means rolling with the PH3 so off to meet up and catch one of the baht buses.

On arrival at the Buffalo Bar I notice the awaiting bus is full up with hashers all looking keen for a day’s fun out in the wilderness that is east of the Sukhumvit. I was offered a seat by GING GANG GOOLIES squeezing in an extra space for the journey out to the A-site, I looked around at GI JOE who informed me that there will be another bus along so decided to wait due to GING GANG GOOLIES reputation at being a total nutter. The last bus arrives for collection of the last few runners and up rocks WANK-KING’S WANKER, it is at this point having only just read GANGREEN’s scribe from last week’s run and about the Bertie Bus that maybe my thoughts on GGG were a little harsh.

Well the usual baht bus small talk went on to the subject of the B word, BREXIT. It’s amazing the most people that are suffering from Remoaner Syndrome have the same physiognomies as those who suffer from Stockholm Syndrome but do not realise due to BBC programing.

On arrival at the A-site we all signed up and said our hellos to fellow hashers, at this point I approached our THE WIZARD to inform him that I will take him up on his offer from the previous week and be this week’s scribe. I then approached this small shady character who last week also made me an offer that I had turned down at the time and said to REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD, “I will see you on the Beer Hunter’s” because as well as being in shock from volunteering for the scribe it turns out my Achilles Heel is my Achilles Heel.

Today’s lone hare PRINCESS BUM BOY is called in to the circle and inform all as to the ins and outs of his trail, then I noticed a few hashers setting off early and headed off with the BH.

Anyway the Beer Hunters trail went well with banter about beer, watches, beer coolers and back to beer, RSB being the FRB of the BH, and on in to the A-site, after more banter THE WIZARD calls the 2nd circle.

Act 2: The 2nd Circle

First to be dealt with was the Hash Crash category, HARD ON and TWO TIME, well neither of these 2 wanted to keep their Hash Crash crowns so decided to create a new nominee and that victim was KNEAD who was tripped up and bundled into ditches twice and now we have a new Hash Crash.

Next on the agenda was lost property, a new pair of trainers and a pair of crocs, after nobody claimed these item ARSE BANDIT seized the moment and made out like a bandit to claim said items and an extra seated beer too boot, though he did refuse to drink this beer from his new shoes.

Then THE WIZARD called in our solo hare PRINCESS BUM BOY, the circle was asked to vote on the trail and it was voted a very good run, which was upheld by the GM, notably BALL RINGER got himself lost again on the trail, but this was only temporary as he was sat back in the circle.

The raffle was held next with BOB-A-GOB on ice for gobbing off to the GM, he then starts to take a series of selfie photos so then moved to the bucket where he could get more comfortable.

Winners including TWO TIME winning another wok, STEPTOE and BEN 10 who has been trained by his father to go straight for the wine, also LOST CAUSE and Nam one of today’s virgins.

The GM hands the circle over to WANK-KING’S WANKER for some awards, SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC gets his 800th Run shirt, TWO TIME receives her 40th Hare Shirt, and then WANK-KING’S WANKER calls in LORD CHICKEN FUCKER to share a moment on the ice together to share a beer with him to which LCF asked for his own beer. LORD CHICKEN FUCKER has completed 1,150 runs with the PH3 and WANK-KING’S WANKER has completed 450 sign ups, well done all of you.

Then back to THE WIZARD who hands the circle over to SPERM POLLUTER, who has thankfully gotten over his Reverse Tourette’s and back to his normal self of abusing everyone. So he ices last week hares THE WIZARD and SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE for laying a great hard trail on the previous run, and then puts BOB-A-GOB and PSYCHO STRANGLER butt to butt in the bucket so that they can continue their Bromance, then he invites some visitors on the ice who were HALF A DICK who travelled from a city called Lahore for 3 days just to run with the PH3 in a city full of whores and DEAD GUMP from Brazil who was over here because he just needed a break from starting fires.

Back to THE WIZARD and it's birthday time, it was balloon hats on all the ladies with 2 cakes for LOST CAUSE, then it was IRREGULAR PERIOD’s 66th birthday with no cake or balloons just ice and an extra beer which put a smile on the grumpy old gits face.

Then SEAL SUCKER, SPERM POLLUTER and HARD ON are ice until the circle was interrupted by the chatting of 3 Thai ladies who were duly placed in the bucket, and then it was onto the Wanker of the Week award currently held by GING GANG GOOLIES, with new contenders being BANANAS who was nominated by SEAL SUCKER, BOB-A-GOB and finally SEAL SUCKER for snitching on BANANAS, and the vote came in with a unanimous winner of BOB-A-GOB. Get the feeling he might hold on to this award for some time.

The hare’s song was by the one and only LORD CHICKEN FUCKER with a bastardisation of Annie’s Song as only he can do.

Last down downs followed by the Hash Hymn and the off to Nicky’s Bar in Soi Buakhao for some fine food and more cold beers, Thanks Debs.

On-On!  Absolutely No Fucking Idea


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   Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1852 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Gangreen


The following scribe report is sponsored by: “Ed’s International House Of Toast”. Our Motto: “If You Don’t Want Your Toast Buttered, You Can Always Jam It”

Taking the first bus out to the A-site is usually a very quiet and somber affair. The conversation usually consists of: my crappy exchange rate, my prostate has started talking to me again, my missed appointment with some bar girl and probably the most common: “Is there any way I can avoid being on the same return Baht bus with WANK-KING'S WANKER?”. It’s sadly the mundane talk of somebody who doesn’t have a beer in his/her hand.

But there was a run today at one of our old favourites “The Asian University” Haven’t been at this location since the recently departed MENTAL DISORDER used to have his bi-weekly runs here many, many moons ago. Sadly this university has had to close its doors but after much pains-taking research I did find a translation from the original Latin version of the school motto. Literally translated it means “We’ve Upped Our Standards, So Up Yours”.

But being on the first Baht bus to arrive does give you lots of time to survey the pastoral settings and to watch our fellow Hashers spring into action doing all the pre-run preparations. There in the edge of the trees was GING GANG GOOLIES erecting a sign between two trees. Only problem was that the sign was facing into the woods so only the flora and fauna were able to actually see what it was about. But that was not really a big surprise and we all know that GING GANG GOOLIES always had trouble with any form of an erection. The other observation was another group of Hashers trying to erect (geez that word seems to be said a lot in Pattaya) the official Hash House Gazebo or whatever it’s called. My last count to had a minimum of 7 individuals each working independently but after much blood, sweat and tears like a miracle it finally all came together. Probably only after LOST CAUSE took control of the situation. I think that LOST CAUSE is our Hashes’ Swiss Army Knife. She does it all in a compact size.

Since NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER was missing in action (the Bastard!), WANK-KING'S WANKER and I decided to take a little stroll and sit on the cement curb away from all the hub bub. Whilst asking Mr. W.W. a simple question ("What’s the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?.. Your mother can’t take a joke.") The sky around me suddenly turned all dark as if there was an eclipse or the final apocalypse. Just as I was about to get all religious I heard this booming voice saying “You Will Be The Scribe..So It Shall Be Written And So It Will Be Done”, I looked up and there was CANNONBALL standing over me. How can you say no to God or the Grand Master?

So the first circle was called. We welcomed all of our visitors with the usual kind words and filthy song to show them how classy we are. It’s really amazing as these visitors were from Brazil, Turkey, Vietnam and places unknown. The Hash House Harriers really are dedicated world travelers. Next were those people who continue to flaunt their brand new, just out of the box shoes on our family friendly Hash into our faces. To make matters worse, the didn’t even drink all the beer and poured most of the Chang Beer onto the ground. Poor SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD was beside himself watching that Golden Nectar go to waste. But those new shoe wankers continually show up every Hash run much to chagrin of people like me and you and us. They are probably the kind of people who take joy farting in an elevator as well. Anyhoo, after the public service announcements were read by our GM of the day CANNONBALL and the misinformation, disinformation and the usual lack of heeding said info by the circle, everybody took off into the unknown. Will everybody be safe? Will everybody come back? Who cares!!

Dipsomania is a historical term describing a medical condition involving an uncontrollable craving for alcohol which brings us to the Beer Hunters. Led by the intrepid and sometimes sober RSB we headed off to the local grog shop to kill an hour or so until it was safe to return to the A-site. If you’ve never been on a beer hunt, after listening to the varied conversations, you will quickly come to the logical conclusion… “You Can’t Teach Stupid”. Beer Hunting is a sport that turns your hippocampus into porridge.

The second circle was called to order and the Hares (remember them?) were the first to warm up the Hash Ice. THE WIZARD, SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE and JACK WOW were the hares for the day and by all accounts, everyone thought it was a great run. JACK WOW didn’t make an appearance at the run as he received an urgent call from a bar girl “Teelak my boyfriend just left for the airport and really, really miss you.” Probably the only real excuse the Hash could accept. But a big, big Hash thank you for all the work you Hares did…and I’m sure you all know just how much we really mean it.

If I could read my notes, I could probably go on and on about the who the offenders of the Hash Trash and Hash Crash were but luckily the names of the ‘perps’ are listed already. Visitors welcomed and the other usual blah, blah blah. Which leads us to the appearance of SPERM POLLUTER or Spermy as the boys in Boystown call him. Now sadly our SPERM POLLUTER suffers from an extremely rare disease called “Reverse Tourettes”. What’s Reverse Tourettes you might ask?… it is the condition of only being able to say nice things about people.

But the RA’s job is not to be the nice cop and it was inspiring to see him screw up his courage to do a frightening and overwhelming task…..the way he harangued, harassed, ranted, raved and generally foamed at the mouth left the circle awe struck. It was scarier than your morning ‘dump’ after eating your first red beet salad. There might be hope for him yet!

Next up was our usual Grand Master, The Right Honorable “THE WIZARD”….”King for a day, fool for a lifetime”. Some of my fellow Hashers really believe that THE WIZARD as GM has brought the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’ back to the Monday Hash. Whilst others truly appreciate his effort not to suck every Monday but it’s usually his more sophisticated attempts at obfuscation that leaves the crowd wondering… ”I think we’ve just been served ‘word salad'.”  But I believe that it’s the GM’s main function to separate the narcissist, the psychopath and the sociopath from each other and more importantly to tell the difference.

Saving the best for last was LORD CHICKEN F*CKER whose turn to embarrass both himself and the various unsuspecting sinners finally arrived. But I must say that LCF looked especially ‘butch’ in the black biker jacket he was wearing that day. I usually think the LCF would really feel more comfortable wearing a dress but that M/C jacket really made him look more mannified. When you watch LCF wander around the circle looking for his lost puppy or his mind you might think that he has become discombobulated but that would be very wrong…  By his low standards you finally become aware that he is very combobluated and you feel a deep empathy for him as we really believe that in the past he has suffered severe mental anguish, physical and emotional distress as a result of having too many ‘wedgies’ afflicted on him by the school bullies when he was a young lad. But since the Hash has very low standards and modest expectations, whatever he did to whoever he did it to was greeted with the resounding sound of apathy and the clapping with one hand.

By this time you might be wondering “GANGREEN, (me) what you wrote is both semi-boring and has not one social redeeming value, WTF really happened.” Honestly I really don’t have a clue. Sometime during Mondays circle, the Beer Fairy entered my body and made the official Hash pen have a life of its own. All I really wanted to write about was how much fun we really had, how much we all love our fellow Hashers, and quote excerpts from the Bible to inspire you all. I guess all I can really say is “that’s what I meant, though with the implication that the syntactic structure was necessarily driven by the semantic one.” And leave it at that.

And I will leave you with this… “why is this thus and what is the reason for this thusness?”

Scribo Ergo Sum

On-On!  Gangreen


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