Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1895 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by PHANTOM

PH3 RUN #1985
What a great A-Site, on the south shore of Map Fak Thong. Plenty of flat land for parking and with a slightly overcast day, finding shade was not an issue.

Taking in a quick 360 degree view of the site there are no real hills to cause concern, so it will be a flat track for both runners and walkers but with a large lake in full view no doubt the hares will plan for the lake to feature in the run.

Sadly yet another hasher has passed on. Lord Chicken Fucker informed the circle King Yao Yao had passed away on 3rd October. King Yao Yao was a true gentleman with over 800 PH3 trails alone. True to his word King Yao Yao stopped hashing some 5-10 years ago when he could no longer run – he wasn't for walking. King Yao Yao – On On Forever...

Hares for today are Lord Chicken Fucker, Dog Licks His Dick and Cookie Monster - standing in for the inured Spastic Whore-King. The hares set the tone by informing GM they had taken a vote, and they won't be sitting on the ice today – sounds like the troubled Lord Chicken Fucker has started already.

GM called the circle.

GM called the hares on ice, ignoring the previous advice. While injured and unable to perform any haring duties Spastic Whore-King attended the run to celebrate his birthday and very kindly sponsored the food. With Spastic Whore-King injured GM posed the question as to who actually laid the trail. Lord Chicken Fucker and Dog Licks His Dick raised their hands.

GM asked the circle their thoughts of the run. She's The Boss was so far off paper some suggested he was doing a recce – turns out he was. Sperm Polluter ran on another Hash's paper – after being advised by that Hash's paper layer – GI Joe. The new FRB Fleece Lifter is a totally different man from just a few weeks ago – nothing to do with the new nubile he has acquired. Mr Bean mumbled – bucolic a number of times before being shut down by GM.

GM called for the raffle. Now prior to the raffle several hashers had approached Knickerless hoping to take some of the good luck she has recently enjoyed. Emperor Airhead had a plan and gave Knickerless the money to purchase his tickets. Knickerless returned to EA with two sets of tickets and asked EA to choose which set he wanted. If only EA had chosen the other set of tickets, and he would have been a winner. No doubt EA will have Plan-B next week.

GM then asked the circle who took the cooler box and ice blocks left on the raffle table last week. Seems GM used the cooler box to transport a raffle prize and his property was assumed to be part of that prize.

GM gave EA the circle who called hares on ice. Cookie Monster again took Spastic Whore-King's place on ice. Cookie Monster had had a busy day preparing, with others, the great food hashers enjoyed prior to the circle. EA spoke of the 150 years of experience haring, shared by Lord Chicken Fucker and Dog Licks His Dick with Lord Chicken Fucker reaching yet another milestone – his 65th hare. EA then walked the circle taking each hasher in turn and asking the circle should that hasher be iced. Seal Sucker was attempting to avoid scrutiny by hiding behind Fleece Lifter.

EA called Dirt Looney and Farts A Lot on ice. Of course EA meant Flatulance – but I like his thinking. It seems these two hashers are attempting to replace Wank-Kings Wanker while he convalecse following a medical procedure. EA suggested that combined, Dirt Looney and Flatulance were equal to only one half of Wank-Kings Wanker's brain. I hope EA meant that side of the brain that does the website, not the side of the brain that does the Awards.

GM then called Cookie Monster into the circle carrying a cake for Spastic Whore-King.
GM called Dirt Looney on ice. Dirt Looney is now tasked with keeping the website up to date for the next couple of months – something Dirt Looney himself calls a challenge and was named a Hash Hero.

GM called Chip Chip and Parisian Titti on ice – looking a little sheepish, they promised to return the missing ice box next week.

GM called Ging Gang Goolies on ice for not wearing a hash shirt. Ging Gang Goolies wore a shirt of his own design for the second consecutive week because he wanted to prove he could make a hash shirt. This is just weird, what would have been impressive is if he had woven the fabric to make the shirt.

GM then put on the Awards hat and called Sour Kraut Bone Collector into the circle to acknowledge his 100th run, coincidently on his birthday. GM called Bum Boy into the circle to acknowledge his 200th run. Bum Boy has done what others have tried and failed and that was to have a good outcome from asking for a name change. Bum Boy requested the Princess be removed from his hash name as it was causing some family angst.

GM gave Lord Chicken Fucker the circle who immediately enquired who wants to sit on the ice. Something Stupid moved at the wrong time and was called on ice. Smokey Trucky Fucky laughed at the wrong time and was called on ice. Gangreen was called on ice but appeared to have distant thoughts but responded when described as an intelligent man, and took a seat. Lord Chicken Fucker then asked Gangreen to sing a song who responded with a fabulous rendition of – Will You Swallow My Cum.

GM apologised to the circle as the bucket had not been used this evening. We all acknowledge, a hasher in the bucket is what we all like to see, as long as it is not you. Fuck Off let out a scream, which saved some unfortunate from being sacrificed, and took a seat in the bucket.

GM called on the hares to sing a song.

GM called on Ben 10 and Ballringer to lead the Hash Hymn.

GM closed the circle.


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   Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1894 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Mr Bean

The sponsors of the German Run were:

Address : Thung Klom-Tan Man 9, Pattaya City, Bang Lamung District, Chon Buri 20150 Tel: 000876157
Address : Pattaya, Bang Lamung District, Chon Buri 20150 Tel: 0848711512
Tel : 089 828 7874
Address: 132/95 Moo 10 Soi Khaonol Pattaya, Bang Lamung District, Chon Buri 20150 Tel: 033122940

Thanks go to all!
My father was from Berlin, Germany, and loved the Rhine River, but his country not quite enough to stay. He took me on a Rhine cruise to Boppard when I was 10 years old. I learned the story of the siren Lorelei, who would sit on the dangerous rocks combing her beautiful hair and lure fishermen to their watery deaths. Maybe I should have learned a lesson about women from that! My father always used to sing the chorus of this song as we drove over the Cape Cod Canal -- O Du Wunderschöner Deutscher Rhein:

O du wunderschöner deutscher Rhein,
Du sollst ewig Deutschlands Zierde sein.
O du wunderschöner deutscher Rhein,
Du sollst ewig Deutschlands Zierde sein.

I sat on the Rhine and looked into the waves,
The flood seemed to me to be a fairy kingdom
because suddenly the choir of angels sounded
very quietly up to me,
intoxicated with happiness, I listened
the mermaid's sweet choir.

O you beautiful German Rhine,
You shall forever be Germany's adornment.

A girl soon came up in the boat,
only Lorelei was so beautiful.
She then sat down next to me
in the evening sunlight,
of ancient times and glory
we sang over fine wine: O you beautiful German Rhine

But when I looked the lovely person in the eye,
there it was, alas, very soon about the heart.
I swore to the maiden in bliss
eternal love and faithfulness,
she sank into my chest with pleasure,
united we sang again: O you beautiful German Rhine

A young German woman once told me the song is no longer allowed in her country because it's too German.
The Hash
We arrived at a semi-sheltered run site, which was the same as the last German run. There were slightly less decorations and hostesses, but we got one banner. We're also given two free history lessons as printouts taped to a column of the building. One about the Trabant car which was made from 1957 to 1990. That must have been the most amazing car that Germany ever produced. Good to know! We were also informed about the Berlin Wall (a guarded concrete barrier that physically and ideologically divided Berlin from 1961 to 1989) which was called the "Anti-fascist Protection Rampart" in the East. It's good to know which side "anti-fascists" are on at all times. One hopes that the Hares are not too much in favor of collectivist oppressive regimes.

The run was very pleasant and bucolic. There were some areas of very three-dimensional paths with rivers and jungles and bamboo and all kinds of vegetation above below and beside us. I really like those kinds of trails as opposed to just walking down a road somewhere.

We got splendid German food under the shelter of the shed. Barbecued sausage and some ethnic potato dishes. There was also supposed to be some leftover food from a previous local Hash. I'm not quite sure what it was.

There was a slight drizzle and a lot of mud at the circle. What follows is a stream of consciousness as the fluids mingled:

Run disgusting:
"Wonderful" wunderschöner . "Lovely, muddy". "Good". "So lost!"
"Nice area". "Good but petered off, had a bad fall". "Hashers need to know how to call 'On on!'".
"Farmer was not happy". Why? The check was at the cows. "1,000 checks". "Irate farmer". "Check upon check". "Disgusting behavior from the hares".

We played Hash lotto.

Beer token finders all got a German beer prize! Extra special.

The Wizard takes it like a man.

Rain and farmer ruin the hairs plants.

Crazy German gets Hash Shit

Sour Kraut Bone Collector, French Kiss sell haberdashery, Hash fashion. Received the Emperor Airhead Hash Family Award.

EA awards: Liberace and Nurse Nancy introduced. Festering Fish Face comes out of his shell. Knickerless gets a 50 run shirt. Sperm Polluter gets 10 hares. Casper gets 5 hares.

Anchan gets divirginized. Knickerless lost the Wanker of the Week prize. We hope she didn't use it to stir her pot. Phuket Hash visitors were interrogated. Lord Chicken Fucker will be the next Hare. Spastic Whore King broke his spleen while falling in a hole while reconnoitering. a traumatic story but they say he will survive. Ging Gang Goollies was recognized for his virgin but she sat the whole time! The Wizard lost his sausage bowl, disappointingly. Fuck Off did, or didn't, do something. Mr. Bean won Hash Trash for claiming that an extra large used condom was his; there was no Cinderella-like fitting, fortunately. Lord Chicken Fucker

Told us everything. Did I miss anything?

"Me No Likey British Soldier" was the song of the week.
Yankee call me honey baby
Blitish call me flucking whore
Me no likey Blitish soldier
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Me no likey Blitish soldier
Me no likey men of war
Me no likey Blitish soldier
Yankee pay 5 dollars more

Yankee leaving on next friday
Blitish stay for evermore.
Me no likey Blitish soldier
Yankee pay 5 dollars more...

Hash hymn.

On-after was at Buffalo Bar with more delicious food.

On-On!  Mr Bean

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   Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1893 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Na Hee Man

Quicksand. Yes. It all began today with quicksand, or a treatise on it as we rode the baht bus toward the A site. FUCK OFF was dithering on about how he had got stuck in a quagmire while haring today’s HHH event with SHE’S THE BOSS. FUCK OFF: ‘I sank into the sand up to my knee, and couldn’t get my foot free and became afraid of losing my shoe and perhaps my life if I had kept sinking.

WANK-KING’S WANKER chimed in with verve: ‘Aw dawg, you’ve been watching too many old Western movies and episodes of Paladin starring Richard Boone. No one ever dies in quicksand, that only happens on film, not in real life. What you’ve got to do is pull your leg out and reach down into the hole and grab your lost shoe – kind of like a dog that sticks his head in a hole and assumes no one can see him; you see, it’s all about Porosity – a measure of void space - the fraction of volume of voids over total volume…...’ Void space, fractions, porosity – all this horseshit is right up WKW’s alley, and he wonders about being impugned in scribe reports! WKW continued: ‘Hey FUCK OFF, you must have felt and looked like a real asshole in your sand-grip-trap. Luckily you’re not really a real asshole (like me!) in life!’

The 1st Circle – the GM grabbed his disciplinary water pistol and found no claimant to a neck gaiter that was found on trail that had been used as an asswipe. HARD ON was iced for being a pisshead and for violating HHH rule #6 by appearing, after a recent significant all-night bender, on a facebook foto feed with his bald head and face covered with lipstick kisses and smears; this did not besmirch HARD ON in any way, as it is rather common in his ‘headspace’ and universe. He did get SPERM POLLUTER’s pink pooftah shirt after it had been appropriately doused in the ice bucket…..

The Hares (SHE’S THE BOSS, HAPPY SURVIVOR & FUCK OFF) were iced for a run that was a total fuck up, as the paper had been laid willy-nilly in various convoluted directions to result in Hashers meeting each other on trail from opposite locations as everyone ran & walked in lost loops and circuitous circles, with TITS FOR BRAINS leading the charge on to further confusion…..SHE’S THE BOSS, now in the ice bucket, tried to apply Slavic logic to the Hares’ efforts, stating that it was a ‘Sherlock Holmes sleuth’ run and FUCK OFF was thrown in too for bleating that his GPS had gone squirrely while laying paper and that ‘technology had failed him’……a poor excuse! HAPPY SURVIVOR, the heroine of the hares, was warmly thanked (while sitting on ice!) for her excellent food fare of snacks & tasty salads.

Run Comments from the Circle:
DIRT LOONEY: ‘I was perpetually confused!’ (more on DIRT LOONEY later)
TAMPAX: ‘The Hares must have been ambidextrous, as paper was laid on both trail sides’.
GI JOE: ‘Best run I’ve done today!’
BALL RINGER: ‘I got lost. A lovely trail, But……’.
FLEECE LIFTER: ‘We ran around in circles…..’
GM: ‘Lay the trail, or die’ (a threat, a warning, a promise!?)

The raffle featured 2 mystery prizes, gift wrapped in colorful plastic. The Pooying Thai Association, who all adore and could be said to worship the raffle, only won thrice today: KNICKERLESS, a victor in the last 10 raffles, was a double winner; PAT POM walked off with a rubberized-yoga-stretch band (with which she can tie up SNAKE BITE!), and TITS FOR BRAINS was iced for winning the last prize. The other multiple winner was SOUR KRAUT BONE COLLECTOR, who won thrice and opted to take only one prize – Wizard or Idiot? Well, we already have one Wizard (perhaps more than enough already!)…..

EMPEROR AIRHEAD iced the Hares and beseeched them to ‘Get Comfortable’ as such. He correctly observed that the prevailing feeling on today’s run/walk was ‘confusing’ and again thanked HAPPY SURVIVOR for ‘shopping & cooking’ for the Hash horde while the other two Hares were out ‘fucking up the trail with fucked-up technology and fuck-all know how!’.

EA iced the GM for ‘flouting his own rules’, which had something to do with his/a 200th run…..EA continued: ’the GM didn’t know much about life or people until the PH3 molded him.’ The iced GM then shared his 1st Hash run memories, when he got lost and arrived to the Circle after dark in a local’s pick up truck…..he wasn’t then deterred, and remains so (perhaps to the chagrin of some!).

EA then iced our PH3 ‘Beer Truck Hero’, V.V., for being precisely just that. EA heaped praise on the bohemian Belgian: ‘He’s like our little French mother, feeding us baguettes, combing his hair and laying runs as a great Hare too!’ To honor the occasion, V.V. was presented with a genuine facsimile plastic chef’s apron in hue of fire-engine-red. Les from Hungary via Bristol was ‘yearning for the bucket’, and EA obliged him for a lengthy stay while involving the Circle in his naming process. He being invited ‘to relax for a long time’, it started with some Cockney English rhyming slang (Nice Bristols = Big Tits!) and ended with his christening as FESTERING FISH FACE. Of most importance to the PH3 is FFF’s DeFacto Bar on Soi Pothole/Chayapoom, where rumor has it that anyone wearing a PH3 shirt gets a free drink!

FOWL FUCKER was recognized for today returning to PH3 after a 20-year absence, and EA had LORD CHICKEN FUCKER join FF on the ice for a walk down their joint, long-term memory lane. It all apparently commenced some nearly 30 years ago when these-then-young studs met down BoyzTown and became known as the ‘Malibu Boys’. They together laid untold numbers of Hash runs (and who knows whom or what else!?) over the decades to now cower, wizened, wrinkled & grey, as relics/fossils shaking with cold and fear on the PH3 ice…..

EA’s last skit was to recall the ‘ice block spinning’ contests of yesteryear, which were held in the Circle in Male, Female and Mixed Divisions. The memorable vanquishers from those days were EWOK and TADPOLE…..who were noted for this said skill set.

LCF boasted that today marked his 29th anniversary on the PH3 and told us in verse of seven Belly Betty, who had a motorcycle helmet with 7 chin straps…..the GM then drenched WKW with the water pistol for running his trap in private peripheral Circles.

Wanker of the Week went to KNICKERLESS, who, as we remember, has won a prize or prizes for 10 consecutive weeks…..imagine the odds of achieving that – PH3 members reckon it’s rigged! All Slovenians were iced to congratulate them on winning this year’s 2020 Tour de France (Gold & Silver podium places!)…..quite a feat for a country of 2 million people. FUCK OFF was chucked in the bucket for boasting that he knew another Slovenian, Melania Trump, and that he had dined with her once in Detroit!

WKW was iced, as unabashed as ever, for continuing to blab out of turn and told us, “I’m kind of like a cunt!” (Really?!). SPERM POLLUTER then brought in his wife’s Thai friend, Porn(Star) and we all sang, “She’s a little flat-chested, but she’s all right!”

Hash music was a ditty from the Scarborough HHH in Yorkshire (Scarborough? I know Scarborough! It’s a fookin’ shit ‘ole!): ‘You can be gay today’….As such, SPERM POLLUTER led all in singing ‘The final down-down’ and burst forth into the Hash Hymn to close the Circle.

The OnOnOn at iRovers Sports Bar featured excellent Bolognese pasta casserole in heaping quantities with buckets upon buckets of ice-cold discounted beers.

Let us not forget DIRT LOONEY’s wise truism at the bar: “I’m continually working on becoming a perfect asshole!”.

On-On!  Na Hee Man

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