Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1514 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Robbing Bastard

I was really looking forward to today’s run. Two experienced hares VV and Jackal should have been enough for this but over and above that I was looking forward to seeing again a delightful young woman with the hash name of Joint Venture. Our esteemed Scar with two T’s produced her unexpectedly on a run in another place on Saturday. Not a typical Scar choice by any means but a delightful harriet with a great sense of humour and a seemingly endless supply of hash songs appropriate for each occasion. Scar by dubious means had kept her well away from Tampax and me, probably realising that we were a potential threat, he then apparently avoided the run and took her skinny dipping instead. Tampax and I were forewarned so he wouldn’t find it so easy this time. But no, I was to be disappointed, this miserable specimen knew he couldn’t compete with the challenge we older hashers represented and left her behind. I trust he will be man enough to rectify this terrible omission and bring her another time as promised.

Later in the day he poured oil on the fire by having the affrontry to ask me to scribe. Beware of Norwegians they can be very underhand! I was about to refuse when he smiled so charmingly I momentarily relented. However I warned him I was no sycophant and would show him in his true colours in my report.

The hares came into the opening circle after the virgins and new shoes were dealt with. The length of the run would be fairly typical and walkers unable to sustain the full course would receive helpful advice after the runners had left. My goodness I think we are all guilty of being too kind to the indolent. The run itself should be well away from cattle, and would definitely be free of dogs and bees and would have only one barbed wire fence to cross, clearly marked. We joyfully set off.

I later learned from Turd Burglar and Fuzzy Lure that the walk was very good so why Pussy Whipped decided to take his virgins for a 4 or 5K trek down Highway 36 is beyond comprehension.

Now here I must confess that VV inadvertently gave me a small clue as to the direction of the run. I suspected for some time that he had been watching me carefully as he had possibly run out of ideas for his hares and felt he could learn something from the fresh vigour of a comparatively new hare like me. For example, once before he’d done a run that had clashed with mine just a short time after. I didn’t mind that he had to remove some of my paper – after all imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

So I contacted VV fearing once again fearing our runs might clash and so he could feel free to plagiarise but this time he’d managed without me. His run would be going in the opposite direction he said. I tell you all this because it gave me the opportunity to correct Horse who enjoys trying to outwit the hares (does he ever succeed?). As the front runners headed straight for Highway 36, Horse kindly told us we’d have to turn right as the run would not be crossing the highway. I will admit now to feeling just a trifle smug when Horse failed to agree with my contradiction. It took him some time to catch up with me.

I am not tall but do not bend so easily these days. I had to in this small tunnel under the highway. It was so narrow we blocked out all light as we filed through. I must say that all near me behaved most properly and avoided going headfirst into the posterior of the runner in front. However you will by now have gathered any small breeches of etiquette will be faithfully reported to you and I must make it known that the voice of Turd Burglar a short way behind me was heard to complain that it was Robbing Bastard who was holding everyone up.

We emerged into the light and as our eyes grew accustomed to it I discerned the figure of our very own Emperor Airhead directing us along the run. How did he know how to get there ahead of us? I am sure he didn’t go through the tunnel.

After this fatigue set in, so the following comments ‘in no particular order’, are glimpses of what I recall from the run. Those lying hares mislead us. There were dangerous cattle everywhere. But again the hashers came through with flying colours. We were so considerate the beasts seemed almost pleased to see us. I even saw Karamba and a couple of others divert through barbed wire fences to avoid them. Whether it was from consideration or fear I will leave you, the reader, to decide. Not only were our hares blind to cattle but they had even more trouble spotting barbed wire. At times we could have been forgiven for thinking we were emerging from the trenches in WW1. In this connection I must report another incident of considerate behaviour. Crack my Coccyx a keen runner unselfishly sacrificed all chances of a fast run by holding the wire (unmarked) apart to allow all to pass safely through. Much later in the run Donald Joe who has only done about five runs stopped to pick me up after a fall. Another hash hero. Where would we be without them? I reckon the hares have got the checks right if they are solved just as I arrive. They got pretty close to this so I can only report back that Beverly Hills PC claimed he solved the first three and apparently got sucked in by another enabling Mud Cracker, Karamba, GI Joe and Mrs Head to claim the glory. I was reliable told by a witness to the incident that GI Joe was almost flattened by a large black dog who seemed to think he was a long lost friend (no dogs hares?).

One good very good check (you got some things right hares) meant I had a brief encounter with some of the front runners, seeing the likes of Marathon Man who prepares for the hash by playing hockey and limiting his immediate pre run intake to just two beers. What dedication!

It was at this check that Mrs Head, who was running just in front of me, made an astute choice. Seeing the check ahead she turned off the trail early to the right. I was sorely tempted to follow but thinking she must get it wrong one day I stayed on course, leaving Mrs H near the front of the pack and me to the rear.

I am coming to the opinion that tall lean people e.g. Helium Head and Peler should be given some sort of handicap. It is infuriating when someone walking with such long strides gets ahead of me. I must have run past Peler three times only to see him ahead of me yet again. How does he do it?

It is well known that hashers should not be competitive. I am but then I am slow and my shortcomings put down to advancing senility. I have to report that an as yet unnamed Thai harriet and her farang partner have excessively tried to stay ahead of me. I only see them on the run. They must don some form of disguise for the circle. I blame the lady. I think her name is Nooung. For weeks now every time I get close she looks over her shoulder and starts sprinting off again. I have had to start drinking diet cokes in the hope of getting ahead of them sometime.

In the closing circle our GM who in the absence of Joint Venture had managed to experience the whole run (or so he says) iced the hares long enough to announce it was a good run. Bottomless Pit conducted the raffle in his usual efficient way, when the winners were Sexy Bum, Fuzzy Lure, Banana, Gangreen, one of the virgins and Velcro Dick who picked up the star prize which was (if I understand BP correctly) the telephone number of a bag who’d actually be pleased to meet with him.

I can remember the days when hares appeared before PH3 icon Emperor Airhead in fear and trembling. Nothing would escape his eagle eye when on the trail. Not so today. Our hares are experienced and have worked together four times before. A man’s run, long and tough, big signs (yellow and black) easy to find was his verdict. No mention of our having to belly crawl through long tunnels, fight off fierce dogs or falling from trip wires and pot holes.

However matters did not proceed so smoothly for Ferry Queen who yet again overslept thus failing to go to Cambodia,will remain Hash Shit. Details of this visit were elicited slowly over the course of the evening. Shinoukvil is clearly a hash with its priorities right. They were presented with ten kegs of beer by a local brewer but only managed to drink one and a half of them, apparently most of that was consumed by Kee Mah and Mental Disorder. It seems the former (‘drink was so cheap’) was in a permanent state of intoxication which was so extreme he could only find one ladyboy and the washer woman in the whole of Cambodia. It seems likely these two made up in quality what was lacking in quantity.

Our star RA revealed that Helium Head, General Kidneywiper and Kee Mah were hashing here and visiting the TQ way back in the time when the Emperor was possibly called Hair Head, They must have well over 120 years between them.

Fourteen returners represented by BHPC, Karamba, Rats Eel Sniffer and Suzie Wong were welcomed back. The two virgins were also welcomed but their sponsor, Pussy Whipped, was iced for telling them to mislead the GM by putting dirt on their new shoes.

Stupid Kraut Cunt wanted to draw attention to a member of considerable distinction. and so put Billion Sucker on ice. I will say nothing further regarding this man as you might consider it a case of too much (information?).

It seems GM Scar has some form of hang-up regarding smoking. On Saturday I am sure he upbraided Joint Venture for (not?) smoking him and it seems that he would not admit to smoking with Pussy Whipped. (Now that I can understand). It seems anyone considering entering into any form of smoking activity involving Scar would be well advised not to do so.

Sir Arse Hopper was iced for habitually falling off things. Honey Bear reminded us wrinklies of the past by singing the Every Brothers number Bye Bye Love to the hares (was she dropping a hint?) before we closed with those wishing to, enjoyably continuing at the A Team Club.

It just remains for me to personally thank the hares for a good run and to say Scar you know what you need to do to get a favourable press and back into my good books!

On-On!  Robbing Bastard

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