PH3 Run 1557 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Gangreen
HORACE: THE ODES, Book 1, Chapter 37, Cleopatra
Now’s the time for drinking deep, and now’s the time
to beat the earth with unfettered feet, the time
to set out the hares sacred courses my friends,
and prepare a Salian feast.
A 'loose' translation of the above......
You know, those old Greek philosophers Horace, Demetrious The Cynci, Dioganes, Anaximenes, Theophrastus, and Maimonides all long time schoolyard friends of our elder statesmen SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD and KING YAO YAO really knew what they were talking about. Of course way back then it was called the "Hummus House Harriers" and i'm sure that SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD and KING YAO YAO still have the anniversary togas that commemorated their 100th runs and I'm also sure they also had many 'honey mead' down-downs to celebrate!!!!
But this piece of crapola is to celebrate today's Run #1557 which also happens to be the 30th Anniversary of the Pattaya Monday Night Hash House Harriers. And as a added bonus, it it also the year 2557 in the Thai calendar... coincidence......or just something our GM SCAR WITH TWO T's was using to kill a few minutes and to make us all think he was 'really, really' smart and deserving of being our "GM". But intelligence is not always a prerequisite to being the PH3 GM as was proven later on in the circle when all the previous GM's were called in to show their total oblivIousness to what was going on around them and just exactly what they were doing here!!! Old age seems to creep up on all of us but being a PH3 GM seems to age them beyond their years and "Old Timers Disease" combined with a lifetime unhealthy desire for beer and more beer (and never mind all the down-downs they have had to consume) makes them the most pitiful group of people you could ever see......It just breaks my heart!!!!!
Think twice people before anyone asks you to be the next PH3 GM!!!!!!
But enough about them......we must talk about what happened today.....Arrived at the Buffalo Bar eagerly anticipating meeting a bunch of.....I really don't know exactly what I was expecting but sadly it was the 'same old, same old' group except for the "totalitarian" way of 'herding' us off into the Black Pearl, and the remaining baht buses. Now I know how the Jews felt back in the German 'good old days' by being dispatched to your appointed seat......memo to everybody.....if you can't get a Nazi, a Aussie (perhaps MENTAL DISORDER?) will perform the same function more efficiently but with less humour and we all know how funny the Germans can be after doing whatever they do best and it's not football.
What a great place the Grand Valley Resort is to hold our Anniversary Run. Our 'cattle cars' made good time from Pattaya which left us all lots of time to tell each other a bunch of lies of how we are all anticipating today's run, looking forward to breaking a couple of checks, no short-cutting for me, and considering how old "SIR CHICKEN F*CKER" one of today's hares is, it can't be that far of a run......well since I have never been on a run, I must believe that what was being said is true!!!!! "Hasher to Hasher" has to be one of the most inspiring and truth sharing experiences one could ever have...... or so I was told by another Hasher.
The first circle finally began with the welcoming of all the 'virgins' and 'visitors'....it was about this time your scribe was starting to drift off and really didn't hear too much about names and where they were from......someting else about having all the 'new shoes' (seven so i'm told) being christened with water.....WATER!!!!!
What kind of punishment is that?????
Water is a colourless, tasteless, and odourless substance according to all the dictionaries and it get's even worse when you do even more investigating. If water was that beneficial, then why do so many Englishmen avoid it all the time and they have been around for a long, long time.....too long according to many of my European friends.
As most of us have no idea about what the heck's going on without some kind of guidance, our two great hares "VV" AKA "VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR" and the "don't leave your girlfriend alone with me" munchkin known as "SIR CHICKEN F*CKER" started to tell all of us about todays run. Fortunateley/Unfortunateley it was left to VV to describe the 'back checks', 'false trails', and whatever the heck happens on what you Hash People call a 'hash run'. Unless you have been watching a lot of "Inspector Clouseau" films or VV comes with 'subtitles' you were pretty much left up to your own devices....The suddenly mute "except for talking to any pretty lady nearby" SIR CHICKEN F*CKER offered negligible assistance except to say the run started somewhere over there........and you know, he was right!!!!!!!
And so they were off!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nonetheless, here they go again on another adventure. Their packs are full, their hearts are light and they'll soon be in the short-cutting swamp. Every previous shortcut takes you further and further away from the Beer Truck....so what is the point???? As most of you know, I prefer to do the weekly hash house run "assal horizontally", doctor approved method which includes basically sitting on my ass and watching the pounds/kilos disappear from my waistline.So far, So good......But being todays scribe didn't come without it's benefits. First off was a visit from the funny (not in a ha-ha kind of way) but in a funny ( "wow, is this guy really wierd!!!) who goes by the name of PUSSY WHIPPED. I know most people try to avoid him but as your Hash Scribe, I was obliged to talk to anyone and everyone and I think he belonged in one of that group. The thrust of his conversation was the offering of 100 baht to mention his new website on my sacred scribe report. He knew I was a whore but sadly I finally found out how much I was really worth......and it's really now up to the "SEXY BUM" person to find out what his conversation "thrust" is really all about. The other 'violation' that I felt was when "SEAL SUCKER' wanted to make sure I noted that he was the first KIWI to the buffet. If anyone mentions "SEAL SUCKER" in any kind of sentence....nuff said!!!
Well you might think that: Taumata-whakatangihanga-koauau-o-tamatea-turi-pukakapiki-maunga-hor-maunga-horo-nuka-pokai-whenua-kitanatahu is a famous hill or the abbreviated form of the world's longest village name in New Zealand, but sadly it was the sound almost all of the runners made when they returned to the A-Site what with all the 'huffing & puffing that was going on. It wasn't a hard run by all accounts, but I really do believe that this running thing can't really be that good for your health and also cuts down on your drinking time!!! Geez....maybe I had it right all this time!!!! Almost everyone that I talked to said it was a very good run, and then told me to get the heck out of the way as SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT was offering up some terrific tasting German beer and they wanted to get some (a lot) before both kegs were polished off.
It was round this time that SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD wanted to tell me on the "just between you and me" that I should keep my eyes open for two really stupid guys who were on the Hash tonight.....as we all would query if presented with that kind of statement...."You and who else?" But I must admit that I haven't seen SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD so relaxed since he last served as "Watch Commander" at Pearl Harbor way back in his early years of military service.
Wasn't that great food tonight people!!!!! A very big thank you to people from Jameson's and all the other people from the Hash House Harriers who made it possible. I'm better at giving insults than kind words but on behalf of all the people who had a terrific time today, thanks to all the dedicated Hashers who made it all possible!!!!!!......of course you had 30 years to get it right!!!!!
6.55pm was when the circle started with the 'World's Greatest Brewmaster' and lottery guy doing whatever he does. Several people won prizes but your humble scribe won something too that my girlfriend promptly thanked me for and is probably on it's way to her village as we speak......but I did get to hold it for a few seconds. This week offered lots of great prizes and more important lots of greater laughs thanks to SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT who seems to suffer from a bad case of "Witzelsucht" which is a very rare disease that causes the victim to make bad puns and jokes. It's from the German "Witzein" meaning "joke" and "sucht" meaning yearning or at least that's what the official Hash Scribe Dictionary says.
In honour of our illustrious 'World's Greatest Brewmaster', a couple of quotes about drinking and they are all so true and we may even know who they may even apply to!!!!!!.
“Maybe some folks are alcoholics and others are just voluntary drunks.
Maybe some folks drink due to body chemistry and others due to their lazy characters.
Maybe some have drinking problems, while others have problems enough to drink.”
- George Jones, I Lived to Tell It All
“I don't drink to make others look better, I just drink to make myself feel prettier.” - MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I'M GAY’s autobiography
And then it was time for our EMPEROR AIRHEAD to take over the circle......and 'Take Over' he did!!!....A great job of making our visitors and virgins feel very welcome to the Pattaya Monday Hash but most importanly was the naming of two new hashers. The perfect son of SUZIE WONG & HULK was named "HAG SHAGGER" for all the obvious reasons and if you want to know why, don't ask him as sadly he doesn't really know what happened and another person (sorry for that) has the new Hash Name AC/DC because he liked to lick live wires or liked to lick other things. or something else altogether different or a combination of the above.
OH!!!!!!!!!!!! and ROBBING BASTARD celebrated his 150th Run today too!!!!!! Congrats!!!!!!! TRY-A-F*CK also approached me about being mentioned doing a "Hash Crash". It is really amazing about how many people approach the scribe to brag about what a "F*ck Up" they are.......you all should be so proud and a joy to your mother!!!!!
Next up on our dance card was our resident "Dr. Feelgood" kinda RA named WANK-KING'S WANKER who rightfully wanted to ice a couple of people for having "Tourist Syndrome" which is similar to Tourettes Symdrome only without the 'naughty bits'. He also iced all the visitors from the Sunday Pattaya Jungle run because he could and also had a bad case of "Tourist Syndrome" which he used to spew a bunch of 3 letter words as compared to all the 4 letter words if he had a full blown case of the Tourettes which I think is French for "F*ck You"
One of the great things about the Hash is we always remember the people who made it all possible. KNOB MARLEY next took over the circle to commemorate all of our friends and fellow hashers who have passed on. Even though I didn't know most of the people mentioned, I could feel the love and loss of the people around me who did have the honour and privilege of knowing those people. I only wish that I could have known them too. Job well done KNOB MARLEY.
You wouldn't think that SIR WANDA was old enough to be your babbling old grandfather but he took over the circle and started to go down memory lane about the rivalry between the Phuket PH3 (both SIR WANDA's & my mother hash) and the Pattaya PH3.
And it's all about the Phuket GM's hat. I only remember one Phuket GM hat but by the time SIR WANDA's story was over, I do believe there were 3 hats mentioned and most were filled to the brim with something more "cumish" than beer which the Phuket Hashers were so proud and willing to consume. All in the name of coming to Pattaya for a few days of Hashing and :"not being in Phuket with the girlfriend" excuse which was so easy to do back then as there were no mobile phones.
SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD rounded up the 'usual suspects' including the always 'who me?' BALL RINGER. LIBERACE, SIR FREE WILLY, SQUEEZE MY TUBE, PAPRIKA SMILEY and the always innocent GM SCAR WITH TWO T'S......It was a performance that can't be described except on YouTube or one of the porn videos as if you needed an excuse to watch them. It's really amazing the SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD could remember all of those jokes and songs after consuming a Chang or three.as he does suffer from a relatively uncommon disease outside of Thailand by the name of "Chang-erosis". The symptom is a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the imbiber which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker!!!!!!
Speaking of performance that can't be described, in between visits to Boys Town, our very own LORD CHICKEN F*CKER next took the stage, circle, square????? Again, due to my inebriated state, inability to read my own writing this late into the circle, I want to thank LORD CHICKEN F*CKER for a great performance. Sometimes it's just better to stand back and watch LORD CHICKEN F*CKER in action and this was one of those occasions as he spares no one from his jokes or a visit on the ice. It's also very difficult to write down exactly all that went on with our LORD CHICKEN F*CKER unless you were a court stenographer.
Now the next part of my scribe report is very confusing to me. It's the last part of my written sheets which included the above mentioned terrific Religious Advisors. My last notes have CABBAGE HEAD taking over the circle and something about the Aussies, blah, blah, blah. I remember laughing (and who doesn't laugh at a bunch of Aussies) but it's what I have written below these notes that has me worried.......I finished it all off with the word "Homersexualism" which kinda scares the crap out of me because I'm not sure if it's about CABBAGE HEAD , the people who were on the ice at the time, the Aussies or was it about me?????
I'll leave it up to you do decide.......and remember that I brought a girl to today's festivities and the other people didn't!!!!!
I'll leave you with a few word of wisdom:
Never Walk by a Pigeon Coup with an Owl in Your Pocket
Once You Turn 60, Never Pass a Bathroom and Never Trust a Fart!