PH3 Run 1659 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Lady Flipper
"Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind." - Mary Ellen Chase
"Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
What if Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" - Dr Seuss
"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love." - Hamilton Wright Mabie
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." - George Carlin
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene on the PH3. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." - Jay Leno (as adapted by SFW)
There is a first time for everything as they say and so after over 632 runs I sit down to pen my very first scribe. Being born in Chiang Mai, I of course speak Thai and Lat and having lived in England for 18 years I am of course now fluent in Hindi, Gujarati, Arabic, Turkish, Polish, Greek, Maltese, Swahili and of course the sometimes heard language of English. Therefore I need no help from anyone recalling in print the days events.
Obviously due to the religious beliefs of my husband we never actually celebrated Christmas as such, we simply went to SFW's warehouse and looked at the empty shelves, so many of the seasonal customs remain a mystery to me. I was going to do the whole scribe to the carol of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" but someone would doubtless whine like the proverbial stuck cow, no pigs on our Christmas table, and bearing in mind I was the first lady runner on the PH3 to ever reach 500 runs (if you classify SIR FOSSIL as of the female gender please do not stand behind me in the supermarket queue) so drawing on my vast experience over the last 15 years, here goes.
We arrived at the A-Site in good time find the first of the Norwegian hares, LIBERACE, already sitting on the A-Site eagerly anticipating the onslaught of the masses. His erstwhile partner for the day, not to say life rumour has it, ODD-JOB appears out of the bushes like some modern day Norgy David Bellamy seemingly supremely confident in his own abilities as a hare.
In total 125 hashers duly turned up for the annual PH3 Christmas Run. Noticeable in the circle was the table of presents for distribution from Santa later.
First circle called and new shoes and virgins are dealt with.. The hares explain the run and it is off into familiar territory for what we know will be a good run.. Therefore I have no need to go myself. Upon returning the satisfied runners inform us the run was under seven kilometres long with the usual excellent scenery we have come to expect from this particular favourite area.
Winding down time and the hares LIBERACE and ODD-JOB have laid on mulled wine. When this PH3 tradition started a few years ago SEAMAN STAINS used to make it stirring the vat with his bare arm... Botulism at Christmas, how quaint.. Then BOTTOMLESS took it over and it became known as German 'Glue Wine'...... now the Norwegians are in charge it is known at Gløgg.... and jolly nice and popular it proved... so much so that SCAR W\2T'S seemed to drink half of it himself.
As promised this time the San Miguel Girls did turn up and I personally gave them five Christmas hats to wear to make them look more in keeping with the day. Soon the Thai versions of Bet Lynch only not so buxom were distributing lashings of both versions of San Miguel to thirsty runners and picnickers alike. A couple of boxes of chocolate liqueurs were doing the rounds also eagerly devoured by the girls.
Finally it is circle time and the hares are iced with as much tradition as we hold Christmas in. It was agreed by all that the run and so far more so,the day itself had been the anticipated success. I do know my husband tutored the hares in the amended LBJ quote "When you have got them pissed and fed... their hearts and minds always follow".
Raffle time and the increased value prizes were won by a variety of regular hasher's such as BLUE SKY as well as visitors and virgins making the goodies go around nicely.
The is the time for Santa to make his yearly appearance from the North Pole, usually more commonly known as the T.Q.. This year he had two elves with him in the form of LOST CAUSE and BLUE SKY. Unfortunately because Santa had been sucking on the shisha up to a minute or two prior to the circle, his elves had not been given his magical sack to put the presents in. All the presents were still on the display table.. What to do children.?????
The GM NO MORE CUM comes to the rescue and asks anyone under the age of 25 to come to the present table which turned out to be a bigger mistake than Hitler stopping to take a dump a at Dunkirk. Unfortunately,a couple of the naughty girls told bloody great 'porky pies', that means lies, I speak cockney as well, and as one, then two, then three and then half of Buriram not to mention Cubic Bay encompassed the circle and with Santa looking on smiling from under his beard, the GM as well as the elves battled to keep the throng from storming the Winter Palace. Thankfully,order was restored and Santa duly gave out a couple of prizes before the feral motley retreated to the safety of edge of the circle.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD takes the circle to ice the hares and to thank them once more for a good run and day. A Swedish visiting crack is called in as she recently came seven in the world karate championship.
Stats time and WANK-KING'S W--NKER calls in the following venerated hashers for their respective milestone:
- MASTER CHEF - 50 Runs
- HELIUM HEAD - 100 Runs
- PINKABOO - 150 Runs
- POCAHONTAS - 100 Runs
Well done. True and loyal hashers all.
The GM, NO MORE CUM takes the circle to ice as many Norwegians as possible over the latest report that Norway is the best place in the world to live.. If that fact is so, then why are there more Norgy's residing in Pattaya than in Oslo?
LITTLE TOMMY TWO LIPS and FENIAN BASTARD get iced for frequenting the Billion Bar, Soi 6 and Kathoey hangouts instead of being at the Hash.
The hares have arranged a special hare song flying over from Norway a world famous accordion player called Od, who has won two Grammy's.... or maybe he has shagged two grannies, one of the two..
He teams up with TAMPAX to make a new musical combo of Od and Odder, to sing the accordion version of Jingle Bells.. Variety is he spice of life and I must say they made a welcome change from the usual lame ass songs revolving around knobs, knockers and anal penetration.
The GM, NO MORE CUM..... ventures back into the circle to ice LITTLE TOMMY TWO LIPS and FENIAN BASTARD again as well as BEETROOT HEAD to tell everyone they are all from his own neck of the woods..... what Heidelberg?... Two confused GM's on the trot, whatever next?
GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER and his assistant 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE enter the fray as FENIAN BASTARD has asked to be renamed.... proving you sometimes get what you pray for he is duly renamed LESBIAN FENIAN BASTARD .
A worse the wear Scar struts his stuff to ice a gaggle of malcontents including MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I'M GAY.
Returners brought in and kept there while the Hash Hymn is strangled then the party continues back at the Boomerang Guest House which I will assume in persona absentia was the usual hearty welcome.
Despite hiccups an excellent day well worthy of the best Hash in Asia. Well the done the hares, well done the mis-management, well done all.. Truly we are the chosen people.
If I have forgotten anyone my apologies. Faces and Fannies I never forget. But names are for tombstones.
On-On! Lady Flipper