PH3 Run 1700 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Bow Tie
Enough is enough. My lazy sahmi, ROBBING BASTARD has gone too far this time. SIR FREE WILLY obviously asked him to be the Scribe for this week but that bone idle man (my sahmi not SIR FW) said I would write it for him! For ten years now, every day I cook his food, clean the house, do the washing and ironing and even make sure his running shoes have been cleaned for the next run. I did that job so well sometimes the GM thought they were new shoes. That should have been sufficient. For years he went hashing without me and came home late after drinking beers with bad me men like FLYING FINN, PAPRIKA SMILEY and STEPTOE. (Those men need a good Thai lady to change their bad ways.)
Sixteen runs ago matters got worse. He realised that he is getting too old to run on the Hash, he got lost and was brought back in the dark by kind Thai farmers in their cars or kind young Thai men on their motorcycles so he told me I must come too. I am not allowed to run with handsome FRBs like DEL BOY (he doesn’t go drinking beer after the Hash), MARATHON MAN (shame he has a wife) or GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER (amazing man – I am sure he must be very strong in all ways). I have to run at the back looking for paper so my sahmi doesn’t get lost. I even call out On On all the time as I don’t think he can see too well.
When we get back to the A-Site he says he is very tired so I fetch his drink and then mop his brow and change his clothes. All that and I still have to be a Scribe as well. He does not deserve a good panrayah like me. As I don’t know all the Hash names ROBBING B wrote them down for me. Any mistakes on are his.
Today is a very special run. Number 1700. I think mismanagement are lazy like my sahmi and leave all the work to BALL RINGER so we are expecting a good run with lots of paper. I expect he was out all day yesterday (I see he is a good man and good father) making sure the paper laid over the past few months is still there.
The GM MENTAL DISORDER (what a good name for him!) explained that today was a special run thanks to the mismanagement and elicited that out of those present EMPEROR AIRHEAD had been coming the longest since Run 29 in 1984. If you believe him the EMPEROR was once a handsome man with long hair. In my opinion he is not a good prospect for a Thai lady as he can only be about 64 now despite the lack of hair. Without wishing to appear indelicate, old men like my sahmi are a much better prospect as they are less demanding in bed and also have a shorter life expectancy.
The virgins and the mismanagement were introduced but I noted that the fine man BALL RINGER was the one to advise of the run perils. That man is so thorough. At the run/walker split the paper for the two routes would be coloured differently to start with so even the Pattaya H3 runners would not make a mistake. We were also told the run would be 6 kilometres, 693 metres and 47 centimetres long. Such precision! You know I think even my sahmi could do a BALL RINGER run and not get lost.
Before I recount the run I must ask you to sympathise with two hashers who were not having a good day. ARSE-HOLEO for the first time ever attended without a beautiful young Thai lady to accompany him but he put a brave face on it whereas GASBAG had just learned he had been deleted by his lady via a text message. He was devastated and lost all sense of proportion for the rest of the day. I’ll return to this later.
It is well known that a BALL RINGER run will be good. He seeks glory not, as some may do, by completing a large number of Hares but by producing runs of quality and today was no exception. It was interesting and made good use of the terrain which made the run worthwhile in its own right. We started off In the company of SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE when after about three K we saw the walking walkers (as opposed to the walking runners) approaching on their own route from the left, yet another good judgment by the Hare in keeping us together.
We had the good company of SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE for close on 4k to the clearly marked walk/run split. SAUCE opted for the walk but later regretted her decision feeling she could have got more from the run. (Other walkers please note).
At this point we turned to go uphill and were the last of the runners about 150 m behind the TELLY TUBBY and VIOS. We kept them in sight uphill managing to pull some back on the way down not least because they were busy shopping. At least we could see other runners even though the closest were some way ahead.
The object of a good hare is to keep the runners as close together as possible. LOST CAUSE and POCKET SOCKET did this three weeks ago with a difficult check. In the past clever hares like SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD and GI JOE (a really nice man if only he would speak to his panrayah SQUEEZE MY TUBE more politely) have done this more cleverly by the use of loops which enabled slower runners to shortcut on call. Today the excellent BALL RINGER combined the two. From our side of the hill we could see runners all over the valley running around like headless chicken trying to solve checks and back checks and they were now turning back to come down the other side of the valley opposite us! ROBBING BASTARD is trying to take credit for the idea but it was really TELLY TUBBY, VIOS and I who decided a shortcut on call was sensible. Intelligent hashing brought a double reward as we hit paper and I (not RB) quickly realised we were running the wrong way towards the check that the FRBs were trying to solve. We called loudly to put them out of their misery and were eventually overtaken by a host of runners including DEL BOY, TURD BURGLAR, STEPTOE and a very fast walking GASBAG.
If that was not enough later the bulk of these hashers missed a solved back check and we had to help them out again! I must say I felt it was rather churlish the way they ran past us for a second time and still failed to thank us for all the help they were getting.
For his own good, I pressured RB to break into a trot to stay ahead of some of these runners. (He is very sensitive about always being the last runner to finish.) He made an impressive final sprint to stay ahead of the rejected GASBAG among others. I am sorry to say that unrequited love made this unhappy man impervious to the logic that shortcutting on call is skillful and not cheating. STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS take note too please.
At this stage we genuinely thought we had been in the lead for the last few kilometres but on return to the A-Site later discovered GI JOE had run in first on his own well ahead of all else. Well done JOE! I know you are secretly worried that with my help my lazy sahmi might regularly finish in front of you but it will take some time yet.
In the closing circle having dined on tasty hot dogs so thoughtfully provided, even though SIR FREE WILLY made me feel guilty for taking two (the other being for my sahmi who was sitting doing nothing) we learned from GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER, another long standing member of the Hash, that in his time as GM getting Hash Shit literally meant that as the recipient was presented with an elephant turd and also that MENSTRUAL DISORDER has put 200 runs of PH3 history on facebook.
Raffle winners included among the undeserving UNSTABLE LOAD, TURD BURGLAR, THE WIZARD, GASBAG and (yet again) SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE.
AIRHEAD put the mismanagement, WANK-KING'S WANKER, MENTAL DISORDER, VV, LIBERACE and SIR FW on ice with superb hare BALL RINGER reminding us they all work tirelessly for the Hash as well as providing the Hare for today.
COO COO COP (running with us since 1991) was iced for being a policeman and NA HEE MAN (I do not want to consider what that name means) kept him company for choosing to do something else. LINEAR ACCELERATOR followed for allowing himself to be struck on the head.
MENTAL DISORDER made a brave but futile effort to ice one Visitor for not wearing the Hash Shirt he had purchased and for getting excited about tapioca so when that proved difficult he iced all the Belgians to the approval of all.
The week’s awards were presented by WANK-KING'S W, after placing GASBAG, MR CHEAP and SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD on ice for disruptive behaviour, to BALL RINGER for 10 Hares and to TURD BURGLAR for (possibly) knowledge of sex, services to ladyboys or 200 Runs – make your best guess.
I join with LOST CAUSE who made it clear to GI JOE that not all Thai women are vegetarian and seeking a break from sex. Is it possible SQUEEZE (now they are married) thinks she has earned a short holiday and found a good excuse? Otherwise this American was on the ball as he iced TELLY TUBBY for picking magic mushrooms. How did he know when she was at the back of the runners?
In an amusing interlude SAUCE (alias Hilary Clinton) and GI JOE (alias Trump) were skillfully quizzed by STUPID KRAUT K*@T. SAUCE won the debate by declaring “In no way would she go near” Trump when it came to sex. However if SQUEEZE is still vegetarian JOE may be in with a chance because on the bus SAUCE appeared to recant.
In an attempt to ensure REAR GUNNER received the cold treatment first the Aussies and then the Brits were iced. Let it be placed on record that this man chose to be British and was caught on the second seating. After Brexit this was not a wise move.
MENTAL DISORDER alone among the Hares sat on ice for the Hare Song - a long but amusing musical explanation of his absence provided by STEPTOE. During the evening including this song there was at time talking from just beyond the circle. All hashers please remember it is not easy to RA a circle and be quieter for us all.
That’s all folks. Oh, and did I remember to mention BALL RINGER set a great Hare?
On-On! Bow Tie