PH3 Run 1704 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by The Wizard
In the midst of recent storms that have caused many local floods recently it was no real surprise that this run was subject to adverse weather with periodic bouts of heavy rain; this in itself however was no deterrent to the redoubtable souls that congregated for the ALL HALLOWS' EVENING Run.
Rain hit the early arrivers at the Buffalo Bar meeting point but spirits were far from dampened as the buses set off in search of a brand new A-Site, a couple of miles past Buddha Mountain. Approaching the site many pairs of eyes were scanning the environs for a sight of HHH signs to guide the buses in; in the middle of an area of considerable roadworks littered with yellow signs this may have proven to be trickier than normal, but after a relatively short search and a couple of U-turns the first sign was espied. The hares had considerately chosen an alternate colour scheme for the signs to avoid confusion with the road signs, unfortunately the dark red and dark blue combination of colours was barely visible in the gloom afforded by the gathering storm clouds. Nevertheless progress to the A-Site was met with no further problems, if not a bumpy ride along a dirt track. Serious congratulations to the hares for finding a good new site which seemed to meet all the requirements.
Sign ups commenced but were summarily suspended due to heavy rain despite an effort to conduct them from the sanctuary of a car...... the agreement was to get the run underway and complete sign ups afterwards. A brief circle was convened with quick instructions from the hares and the runners were off, in gentle rain at this point.
The first half of the run was ideal for the the FRBs as the trail followed the course of what appeared to be a new road under construction. Although undulating, the running surface was solid and flat and with only one check in the first 3 kms the field quickly became strung out. At about the midpoint of the run the field came together thanks to the inclusion of 2 checks close together which foiled many runners, accustomed as they had been to running on the 'road', who failed to pick up the new trail which left the road and more typically cut across country. Back at the A-Site after an incident free second half of the run, runners were seen coming in from different directions but no one was lost and no one seemed to be out for too long. A good run in light of conditions which had by now begun to turn the A-Site into a muddy mess. Strangely, the Beer Hunters were some of the last to arrive back to the site.
After a short interlude which allowed runners to sign up, rehydrate, snack and clean up, the circle was called, slightly earlier than usual, undoubtedly with a view to the weather and the possibility of more heavy rain. As darkness fell over the assembly the skies were lit up with numerous flashes of lightening and peals of thunder in keeping with the occasion.
NO MORE CUM had returned from a spell of sunning himself back in the UK and took the circle as the GM. His first call was to ice the hares, UNSTABLE LOAD and RAT VON KIEL, for whom it transpired this was their 2nd hare. The GM commented on the ease of the first half of the run claiming that he could have got his car along the trail, which was probably a good option for him, suffering as he is with a knee injury which necessitated the use of walking sticks on his part. Generally though the hares were congratulated on a successful run and their efforts appropriately recognised.
Next up was SFW with the Raffle, prizes included alcohol, a soft toy and other associated bric a brac; lucky winners included TADPOLE, SIR KIDNEY WIPER (who was last seen clinging to a very large bottle) LINEAR ACCELERATOR and BELL END. Protests over the redrawing of a ticket whose number had been obscured by dampness emanated primarily from those already holding a prize so were immediately quashed. It was noted that the hares were unprepared and failed to provide the winners with down-downs, a situation that was rectified with haste and not repeated again throughout the night's proceedings.
Next to take the circle was EMPEROR AIRHEAD who strangely was wearing a wig and clothing not normally associated with his appearance in the circle. Whilst the overall look was not in any way anything extraordinary it did bring to mind the look of a youthful Homer Simpson as presented in flashback scenes. Undeterred EA called the hares to the ice and was less forgiving than NMC had been. He rebuked them for the colour of their road signs and accepted no excuses when UNSTABLE LOAD waffled on about paint and somehow brought VV into the equation. It was further stated that the drive into the A-Site was one of the worst ever, definitely so since the Norwegian Run which used black and blue on their signs. Indeed, so bad was it that even LINEAR ACCELERATOR's wonderful sat nav lady who lives under the bonnet of his car gave up the ghost and let him fend for himself on the way in. It wasn't all bad for the hares though as great credit was given for the location of a new A-Site.
No sooner had the hares left the circle than the highlight of the night commenced, the Halloween Fancy Dress competition, and what a 'spectre'cle it was. Separate competitions for men and women with extravagant prizes for the best costumes had been promised and first up were the men. The lack of numbers participating was more than compensated for by the quality of costume presented to the crowd. Well, sort of. The 3 competitors were WANK-KING'S WANKER, VV and ODD JOB. Inexplicably WKW was attired in a dress, ghastly lime green in colour, and went by the name of Evil Olive, which seemed to have little relevance to Halloween (although it was later reported that in itself it frightened some of the children present, so thus qualified). Personally I thought the dress a good fit and would recommend WKW if anyone is looking for a female size 10 model. WKW subsequently explained that he was a late stand in for NIGHT RIDER who was supposed to be in the competition but cried off sick at a late stage.Through a system of audience approval (cheers and boos) WKW was the first to be eliminated from the competition, leaving VV and ODD JOB who seemed to have made considerably more effort with their costumes. VV had metamorphasised into a warlock with the use of some clever make up, undoubtedly done by his own hand with only the rear view mirror of the beer truck to help him, whilst ODD JOB had magically been transformed into a witch with full costume and a marvellous prop, namely a steaming cauldron (maybe a cooler with some dry ice...). Nonetheless the overall effect was utterly ghoulish and he was announced as a deserved winner, receiving a large bottle of wine and 3 free runs for the Hash.
Three ladies followed, so good their costumes that they were unrecognisable to me for some time. TADPOLE, TELLY TUBBY and VIOS they were though, dressed as a pumpkin monster, witch and Thai ghost. Again there had been varying degrees of effort and success with costumes and despite a valiant effort from the pumpkin monster who dressed head to toe in orange along with a pumpkin mask, the witch was a worthy winner and took gleeful hold of her wine and free run voucher. A huge well done and thanks to all who made the effort to dress up and keep the damp circle well entertained!
Before the awards were made, NMC called members of the committee to the ice to thank them for their efforts in keeping everything running in his absence. A certain irony in being thanked by being put on the ice is not unusual of course. Awards this week were presented by SFW who in turn called BALL RINGER, TURD BURGLAR and WKW to the circle to collect shirts for 10 hares, 200 runs and 300 runs respectively, although it was suggested that in WKW's case it was more like 2 runs and 298 sign ups. There was little in the way of denial from WKW. No matter, achievements and commitment to the hash duly recognised and rewarded.
Business that used to be conducted in the first circle was now addressed and first up were runners with new shoes; due to the mucky underfoot conditions it may have been difficult to ascertain the authenticity of new shoes but circumstances prevailed. FLYING FINN was sporting new footwear and had been recounting the story of their purchase whilst on the bus earlier, so despite his reluctance he was brought into the circle along with UNSTABLE LOAD, one of the hares, who claimed he had done 4 runs in his pristine looking daps. Public opinion demanded his inclusion and the runners were called upon to drink from their shoes which they ultimately did with surprising gusto. In the absence of any virgins, visitors were called for and only LUCAN MADE ME CUM was circled. Well known as he is from another local hash his stay on the ice was brief. Following on, BARNACLE BOLLOX, SIR KIDNEY WIPER, SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD and FLYING FINN were called to the ice, their common denominator being that they are all the closest to being dead amongst those that were present...... a note was given for the living dead...... don't take it personally chaps, hope to see you all again same time next year!
LONE WOLF took the circle from the GM and iced a series of runners including TURD BURGLAR who was quizzed reference his lack of immediate family, FERRY QUEEN regarding his incarceration, not in a penal establishment but in Canada from where he stated he wasn't allowed to leave for 3 years, the Beer Hunters who listened to SIR KIDNEY WIPER explain why he has left the aforementioned group to become a front runner (elements of Benjamin Button here surely?). HELIX stood up from the ice and took the opportunity to address the circle at this point to invite all to celebrate TQ's celebration of 25 years of daytime operation... apparently Pattaya's first and still finest go go bar (not my words, just in case my wife reads this). The celebration will be tomorrow, Tuesday.... and there may or may not be food provided, but hey you wouldn't go to BIg C to look at girls dance, so don't expect to find too much food in a go go bar.
In a rare moment of emotional sensitivity, LONE WOLF called PHANTOM (well he surely couldn't avoid being called on today of all days) and COLONEL CORNHOLE to the ice. PHANTOM was applauded for taking his very elderly mother on holiday to China and CORPORAL CORNHOLE for the fine job he was doing in being a single father; with three young daughters, as impeccably behaved as they were, he will have his hands full. Well done both.
GI JOE was next to take the circle and wasted no time in calling SQUEEZE MY TUBE, his better half to the ice, quickly followed by LUCAN MADE ME CUM (not sure why) and JACKAL. It became apparent that GI JOE's motive was to keep SMT on the ice for a prolonged period as he began by questioning JACKAL as to why he was no longer sporting Hash Crash apparel. It was agreed that there had been no formal lifting of this situation, JACKAL's feeble defence was quickly dismissed and duly the Hash Crash helmet soon found its way back onto JACKAL's head. Possessed by demons possibly, WHOREDINI without invitation or request moved from the circle and plonked himself in the bucket revelling in the iciness. No reasonable explanation was forthcoming other than the last time he was in the bucket he ruined his phone and passport. Forward planning avoided such misfortune on this occasion and seeing as he was self punishing he was allowed to remain in situ whilst other business continued. The point was then made that whilst away on a Monkey Outstation, GI JOE had forgotten all about SMT's birthday and had not provided any form of gift to his dear wife. He had the solution however, hard cash in an envelope, apparently this always calms troubled waters with Thai ladies. However, one failing in this plan was brought to light, namely that the cash ought to have been in an envelope with a window so that the contents could have been more readily seen. Happily this minor oversight was forgiven and peace and harmony once again prevails. And to further enhance the spirit of togetherness all the females present (cracks as they were referred to..... I guess to stop it all becoming too cosy) were put on ice as there had previously been a suggestion that as a group they needed to feel more included. Job done.
NMC took the circle for the round up of business. Four Brits namely TURD BURGLAR, STEPTOE, BALL RINGER and that bloke from Manchester (WHOREDINI again) were put on ice whilst NMC berated this not entirely representative group for Brexit. Advised from the circle that this was old business covered previously NMC relieved the Brits and called JACKAL and ESTONIAN FUCKER. JACKAL was pleased to be now officially relieved from Hash Crash and ESTONIAN FUCKER was reprimanded for not bringing any beautiful Russian women with him, which apparently he has a record of doing . Being slightly out of sync with proceedings EF stood and used his down down to make a toast to all his wonderful friends at the Hash. A generous gesture indeed, and went unpunished despite the departure from protocol.
As is becoming common these days the hares were unable to give us a song so the ever reliable STEPTOE came forward and gave us a great rendition of a love song adapted for the 2 hares which was well received by everyone.
For the final down downs an open invitation was given and half a dozen or so enthusiastic souls stepped forward to lead the Hash Hymn to close off proceedings. With yet more rain in the air everyone scurried off to buses and cars other than those who had a clearing up duties to see to, an effort that is not always recognised. It was another great day that some really crappy weather failed to disrupt.
The convoy set off for TQs the designated on on bar, stories from where will no doubt be revealed next week.
On-On! The Wizard