PH3 Run 1754 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Gangreen
God, Buddha, Mohammed, Shiva, Yahweh, Allah, Bildjiwuaroju and the French all must love the Monday Pattaya Hash House Harriers as we were blessed with a perfect, sunny day to do whatever we do beside a Thai version of Niagara Falls. It was a rarely used A-site hosted by those weird Belgians and wanna be Belgians too numerous to mention but since I’m being paid by the word they were: UNSTABLE LOAD, NINJA PRINCESS, RAT VON KIEL, ARSE VAN HOLE, MAYO QUEEN, SILENT PRINCESS and NOISY QUEEN. Thank you hares for a great day.
The first circle was called and lo and behold who was our GM today but our very own FREE WILLY. FREE WILLY is like the Hash House “Swiss Army Knife” ...one tool to do many jobs. On any given day he will be a GM, hare, lucky lottery guy, hash rag seller, procurer of Hash awards and on his off days he travels with his band doing his “Prisons Of The World” world tour. I’ve heard that they really pack em’ in everywhere they go. He’s a very busy guy.
I missed the first part of the first part of the circle as I was busy fighting the scourge of glaucoma with a few of my fellow sufferers but if it was anything like my previous 314 Monday Hash runs, there were virgins (3), many visitors, new shoes and a piss pot full of returning Hashers. After that the hares (see above) would tell anybody who ever listens in the circle about the run and send them all off to do whatever they do. From my vantage point they got all jammed up trying to traverse Niagara Falls without getting their shoes wet and headed off into the bush……”Fare Thee Well!!!!!”
About the only Monday Hash enterprise that FREE WILLY doesn’t control are our beloved "Beer Hunters" who on this day of our Lord were truly blessed as they only had to take about 10 paces to get to the nearest watering hole. The neighborhood pub consisted of about 5 wooden poles, canvas top and something for a sun shield but it must have looked like the Taj Mahal to REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD and SPAGHETTI HEAD... well it did until REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD found out that the place had no Chang Beer. The situation was quickly remedied as the lady owner sent her 12 year old son speeding off on their motorcycle and quickly returned with RSB’s plasma before he went into some kind of delirious, convulsive shock and become another DIRT LOONEY. If a Chang opens in the forest, will RSB hear it?
This Hashing thing was turning out to be a very good day with all the cheap drinks and even cheaper laughs. It was a pity that the second circle was called but since I got volunteered to be the day's scribe, I thought it might be helpful if I actually was there and depend on my memory as any notes written during the circle become indistinguishable overnight.
As any Hasher who has been lucky enough to visit other Hashes around the world well know, the GM is usually some cranky, old, knuckle dragging doggyknobber with a bad attitude…..but not our GM for the day FREE WILLY. Whenever he takes over the circle, FW always tries to educate and uplift the circle and he’s always interesting, informative and inspiring with his vast knowledge and life experiences. And it’s with that thought that I think that it’s important that your humble scribe also raises his game and show everybody what a Canadian Grade 12 education is all about as I too try to bring meaning to meaninglessness..eh!!!!!
Atavism is an evolutionary throwback, such as traits reappearing that had disappeared generations before and I firmly believe we are seeing this ‘Darwinian’ event happening before our eyes with the melding of all the Belgians and the Hash House Harriers. Yes, those wild and wacky Beneluxians have again taken over the Monday Hash and hared another great run. After a severe icing and the circle consensus that it was a great run, the Belgians went back to what they usually do ...block all access points to the beer truck coolers.
If you believe in the old saying that ‘there’s a sucker born every minute’, then you will buy a ticket from our Raffle Master in the hopes that you will win some sexy, red lacy panties or bra selected from FREE WILLY’s hardly worn private collection. The weekly PH3 Raffle is a combination of hopes and broken dreams. The things that come to those who wait are probably things left by people who got there first. The moral to be derived from these staggering lottery events is that life is cruel.
From my notes I see that STUPID KRAUT KUNT was being STUPID KRAUT KUNT again and was rightfully punished by forcing 2 down downs down his throat. And then I have TURD BURGLAR's name written but with no real reason why except maybe while I was looking at him I just had this overwhelming epiphanic experience and I could envision TURD BURGLAR's vivid co-mingling of lost innocence, doomed romanticism, hard-edged cynicism, desperate desire and shadowy sexuality. I can’t be the only one who felt that way. That’s probably why I don’t have much else to say about the winners except congrat’s. As we all know THE WIZARD won the sexy undergarments and I overheard him say to CRAPPER…”These pants make me feel feminine and desirable. I can barely keep the men away when I’m holding one of these in my dainty hands”.
Next up is our walking encyclopedia of Monday Hash House Harriers: EMPEROR AIRHEAD in person…. taadaa!!!! That country air and extra long motorcycle ride to get to the A-site must have invigorated AIRHEAD as he was taking no prisoners this night..., or maybe it was the sugar power he was receiving from his desperately strangling the can of cookies he won in the Raffle. "You'll have to pry these cookies from my dead, cold hand". As we all know AIRHEAD is easily confused so he had all the Belgian hares on the ice to figure out who actually did all the work. No surprise to anyone it was the women and NINJA PRINCESS who were the brains behind the whole thing while the men continued their beer tasting.
Next up on AIRHEAD's hit list were all the hares from next weeks Octoberfest Run. Not sure exactly how many hares there were but I only saw two Germans and a bunch of other guys who are always guzzling beer which I think gives them dual citizenship. This annual run is always one of the year's exceptional runs and I expect it to be well attended. In fact, this run is so important and significant that STUPID KRAUT KUNT actually stops drinking for two whole hours to put it all together.
In one of those life is strange moments, AIRHEAD next ices FERRY QUEEN, KATOY MAGNET, TURD BURGLAR and PHANTOM because they all seem to enjoy hanging around together after Hash hours. They all suddenly forgot all their English when queried about exactly what happens when the ‘boys’ are out on the town and trying to imagine it is just too painful…sure don’t see any Feng Shui in that group.
STEPTOE was next to take over the circle. I believe that STEPTOE is starting to show the effects of second-hand senility as he just kept going on about ‘has anyone seen the invisible man?’. And then I started thinking the maybe the invisible man had my old camouflage bag I put down one Hash and never saw it again. But STEPTOE suddenly regained his senses and finished it all off with a song which made us all feel a little less sorry for him. "The Universe Stone Just Crashed Into The Amygdala In My Brains Limbic System"... Geez…don’t you just hate it when you get an elevator song stuck in your head and you keep repeating it!!!!!
One of the very first things you will ever learn on the Hash is that ‘stupidity is contagious’. We all know that the Hash has a high bar for low quality but FERRY QUEEN (aka: POODLE PENIS) takes it to all whole new low, low, low level. He had the Norwegians on the ice for reasons only known to FERRY QUEEN and I believe he was talking in the "Spanglish" version of Norwegian as nobody, and I do mean nobody, has any idea what the hell he was babbling on about. FERRY QUEEN you have to take your act out on the road to rehearse before you bring it to the big show.
"Cotard’s Syndrome" or "Cotard’s Delusion" is a rare mental disorder, a delusional psychosis where sufferers imagine that they are decomposing, dead or non-existent ...well... enough talk about the “Beer Hunters”. Hash trivia: NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER was the original lead singer for the PH3 hard rock band "The Bunglers" ...may they rest in peace.
WILLY couldn’t postpone it any longer so it became Award Time with your host for the day "WANK-KING'S WANKER". You know the awards part of the program should be a happy occasion but WANK-KING'S WANKER has developed an ingenious coping mechanism to deal with the problem--- he is as boring as possible, and you never feel the urge to bother him again. The man is like a human deflector shield to interest. But you must admit he does have a sense of occasion. And after checking with the teleprompter, he realized that (a Belgian again??) Mr. ARSE VAN HOLE had completed 50 Runs and also managed to squeeze in 5 Hares as well. And the Hash Lost & Found Dept. had his long lost Hash shirt as well. Way to go Mr. VAN HOLE... you’re a credit to your name.
Did I mention how bad FERRY QUEEN was?? I think he was trying to drink himself sober again. And it was around this time that SIR FREE WILLY handed out the seven remaining down downs to a few lucky Hashers who would then lead us all in the Hash Hymn. You all remember the Hash Hymn don’t you ...it’s the part just before the stampede to the beer truck for the last ride home beer.
And it’s with those words I bring this Hash Report to a close. In the future after you have read this report, please come up to me and say: "GANGREEN…at least you didn’t suck donkey balls at writing", I would really appreciate it. Or... for the other 99.999% of the Hashers... But for the sake of not turning this into an empirical analysis of various levels of crap, let’s just say that this one stinks in every which way it could and then takes one final soak in manure on the way out. Read it again, it sounds even shittier the second time.
I Remain, Your Humble Scribe