PH3 Run 1769 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Sir Free Willy
"I had rather have a plain, russet-coated Captain, that knows what he fights for, and loves what he knows, than that which you call a Gentle-man and is nothing else." - Oliver Cromwell
"Rules are for the guidance of wise men and the obedience of fools." - Douglas Bader
"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." - Charles Dickens: A Tale of Two Cities (1859)
And in the beginning was Hanuman. And Hanuman gathered his disciples around him and commanded them to go forth and spread his word and teach the people to “Get biggy with Mr. Shiggy”. And the disciple known as Molly Kirgis did go forth and came to the wilderness known as Pattaya. And the people did flock to hear the word of Hanuman and Molly’s tribe became known as the PH3 and verily did prosper. And her tribe were baptized with ice cold water for indeed they were the chosen people. And BALL RINGER begat BEN 10 and RUNNING BARE begat LITTLE WHITE DOVE and KARAMBA did begat anything in a G-String and number on their breast. And many fell by the wayside and many were punished, ice being Hanuman’s tool, but the PH3 continued to flourish and increase as the multitude obeyed Hanuman’s commandments: “Thou shalt follow paper”, “Thou shalt not commit Rule 6” and “The GM is always right” and Hanuman did look down upon his people and Hanuman was pleased.
And it came to pass that disciples from around the Chonburi and beyond did flock to Pattaya to celebrate the annual AGMPU run of the PH3. And lo, verily there was no change of GM. For the incumbent one had been most Germanically efficient and so my children ..to infinity and beyond ..or to this A-Site on seemingly on Alpha Centauri.!!!!
Much was argued about the chosen A-Site bearing in mind the problem we had last time, but MENTAL DISORDER doth offer his pledge that a farmer with a "bloody great JCB mate" has sloughed a huge road down the gully to the A-Site. Not quite true but the A-Site at least was accessible, even if a trip to the garage for air the following day was needed. And at least a twelve hour stop over in Abu Dhabi was not needed on route to and coming back from the A-Site as was the order of the day last week. I blame the hare-raiser.
First job I had as the World's Greatest Rags Man was dealing with some whiny twat who had won a Raffle prize before Christmas and had waited for my return to bring it back. More of him later.
The hares today MENTAL DISORDER and his Siamese twin a.k.a. THE WIZARD, or prison officer Austin Smith as he was formally known in the real world while making innocent men's lives a misery for thirty years.
First circle called by the stand-in GM LORD CHICKEN FCUKER and the usual preliminary's dealt with and it is off into the wild blue yonder for some. Let's face it the PH3 gave up any semblance of being a Hash years ago which is why fresh and willing hares are so thin on the ground.The only time this subject raises its head is when two old farts decide they ant to hare a run after slagging off their betters and then everyone has to cack their pantaloons over it. Not that I would bring up such unpleasantness.
Accordingly to NO MORE CUM, who knows a thing or two about haring, after being taken under my wing for a satellite Hash hare last November, the run was almost excursively flat. Loads of checks which generally kept the pack together. No one lost (which means the buggers drink more beer) and little howls of complaint. Now that's a rarity on the PH3.
After kitting out the rif-raf with the best capelt (It's Yiddish for cloth you Goyim) in Pattaya SFW then dons a change of hat to miraculously become the World's Greatest Raffle Master to ease the cash woes of the PH3. And to think a certain wag from another chapter of the Pattaya 'Hashing Community" was railing not two years ago they would take over the PH3 and run it as their nursery Hash.!!! He who laughs last.
Second circle called by LCF and the raffle is dealt with in the usual expert fashion by SIR FREE WILLY. Among the prizes was a huge fluffy dog or wolf. Someone suggested it was LONE WOLF but as was pointed out that was an impossibility as the stuffed toy had a personality.
LCF ices the hares and the multitude, liberally bribed with free food sponsored by the PH3, probably flimmed from Carey Street no doubt, judged the run to be adequatene and up to standard. Whose standard was never revealed but we have not come here today to bury Caesar but to praise him.
It is AGM day so the old mismanagement are told to fuck off so the new mismanagement can take its place. No-one actually leaves and the same faces appear as the new PH3 mismanagement. Two new faces however.
LONE WOLF's Fluff Monkey, also known as PHANTOM takes on the role of reserve web-master. Whether he actually does it remains to be seen as he very much lived up to his official Hash name when doing the on-site stats.
And THE WIZARD comes in as the Assistant GM. (Yes I know it is a bloody silly title, superseding the Joint Master monica that sufficed perfectly adequately for the past 34 years but don't blame the piano player). Always remember the words of A.S.Gispert the founder of hashing, "A GM should be a just upright and free man of mature age sound judgement and strict morals". Hopefully THE WIZARD will bring the vast wealth of knowledge and experience he has gleaned from his fifty odd runs and his thirty years of keeping people incarnated and miserable should stand him in good stead to entertaining a hungry crowd.
This time next year when we turn the years back to 1534, the future GM would be wise to remember the words of Oliver Cromwell, who knew a thong or two about cutting a Catholic king's head off, "Do not trust to the cheering, for those very persons would shout as much if you and I were going to be hanged."
LORD CHICKEN FCUKER (GM of two hashes and 1400 runs in his portfolio, part-timer. ..even if the last half were free.!!! ) takes the circle to name the aforesaid whining Raffle winner. Nothing is known about this guy save he played and still does play ice hockey. As ice hockey rings are short in supply in Thailand he has to skate in an endless circle around a block of ice thrown out by the 7-11. Our malcontent is duly named 'PIG STICK"
Awards time and WANK-KING'S WANKER ably aided by the World's Greatest Awards Man SFW, brings in the worthy achievers to collect their awards. THE WIZARD reaches the 5 Hare milestone (he later asks me for a yellow 5 hare ball cap. ..no don't,stop it ). ODD-JOB receives his 30 Hare Shirt. DEL BOY receives his 100 Run Shirt. And GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER receives the first ever no normal white non Hash 800 Run shirt.
SCAR W\2T'S takes over and as usual spends more time getting people to be quiet than on actual doing anything in the circle. He introduces a very famous Norwegian (sic) name of Ragnar Thorstvedt. Apparently Raggy as he is known to his friends has rowed from Norway to Greenland. From Norway to the South Pole. From the South Pole to Japan, etc. Has he never heard heard airplanes? Very popular these days.
LCF back to try to ice the crack who won the LONE WOLF cuddly toy to skin but she was having none it. Don't blame her the size of its tongue. Everyone wearing a disrespectful British Union Jack adorned run shirt form another chapter of the 'Hashing Community". In the good old days it would have been off with their heads. Nothing like a confrontational and disrespectful shirt to stir the malcontents is there?
NO MORE CUM takes over to ice all the Scandi's for some reason or the other. Next is BOLLYWOOD who is iced so that NMC can ask her if she has or indeed desires any German inside her. Why do you ask, is ANAL CHEESE feeling horny? BOLLYWOOD confirms she like BIG guys and real men. Taking our opportunity SFW and VELCRO DICK chaperone her on the ice. Telephone numbers, email address's, jabber and wickers handles (who know what the latter two are. you do? proves my perpetual claim of "There is no such thing as an honest person") and weight ratios are exchanged before vacating the ice.
As usual the hares do not have a song, so much for traditional, so it is left to BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK to spiel out some worn out old ditty for them. A German doing your hash song. Have you no shame guys?
Hash Hymn strangled and it's off to the Nicky's Bar with I will trust in persona absentia was the usual hearty end to another PH3 day. If I have forgotten anyone my apologies. Faces and Fannies I remember but names are for tombstones.
On-On! Sir Free Willy