"What the hell happened?" I woke up in my own bed. In my own room. The wife was snoring next to me. So why do I feel so apprehensive and that there is something seriously amiss? Okay, go to the kitchen. Make a coffee. Look outside and see the car is there. No obvious new dents or scrapes. My two dogs, Pluto and Snoopy, have not done a runner out the gate and look like they still love me. Okay, they are hungry and love anybody that feeds them. Still I have a nagging feeling that I fucked up.
Okay time to sit down and chill. This is when I see a scrap of paper on the table. Oh shit no!!! "You are hash scribe" is written in my best drunken scribble. Now I remember. I AM HASH SCRIBE!!!
Did you know that the World Health Organization listed the three top most stressful things that can happen to you are.
- Going through a divorce.
- Moving house.
- Being a Hash scribe.
I took no notes because of the rampant rain. So they would have just been a soggy mass. Mind you, I know from past experience, that the Hibernian hieroglyphics I have penned are usually undecipherable and that there is no Rosetta Stone to help me out. No, not that girl from the Bangkok harriettes. I diverse, so here goes.
The run had a great A-site. Albeit three hundred metres from the location given in the Hash web page Google Earth link. The hares were DUCHESS TADPOLE, LOST CAUSE, MISS USE ME, POCKET SOCKET, TELLY TUBBY, BELL END, HOI WAN and LADY FLIPPER.
The reason it is an all female hare line-up is because it is the Loy Krathong Run. This is the time of year to float a "Krathong", which is to get rid of the bad shit and hope for a better year ahead. Nothing to do with getting rid of the girls, but because it is great to see them dressed up in traditional Thai costumes.
The precise origin of Loy Krathong is unclear, but it is widely believed to have originated in the ancient Thai capital of Sukhothai during the 13th or 14th century. The festival may have Brahmin origins but has been given a typically unique Thai twist over the years. This might be crap, but who cares.
The girls briefed us on the trail markings and we were off, with slight thunder heard in the distance. I decided to walk, as the leg muscles are suffering a bit, and was amazed at the number of actual walkers. What I did notice about them is two things. They never follow paper or shout on on.
This became apparent as the majority wandered off after losing paper about two kilometres out. The only effort to stay on track was by ANTIQUE, CHERRY BLOSSOM, SAMBA LA BAMBA and myself. We found what we assumed was the split for the runners and walkers, but was just a jumble of coloured sticks. Plenty of quad and scramble bikers running around out there, so maybe they ran over them.
We followed paper, but then it branched right, but VIOS and another girl said they were on paper. So, foregoing "COMMON SENSE", we followed the girls, even though we did not see paper immediately in front, but much further ahead, which ran in two directions. I now know this was the runner's trail on in. Anyway, I was back in about an hour and had covered just under five kilometres.
Arriving at the A-site, the girls were preparing food and glamming themselves up in Thai traditional costumes. Just managed to change into dry clothes, when HARBOUR QUCKSTART came sprinting in, closely followed by SPEEDO PETE and BEETROOT HEAD. They had clocked about eight and a half kilometres.
At this juncture in time, the weather was definitely taking a turn for the worse. The sky had perceptively darkened and there was light drizzle. The girls then served up some food that they had sponsored themselves. Looking at everyone munching away, and not much talking, it must have been fine fare.
Just after this, when I was getting a beer from the truck, GI JOE inquired how my leg was doing, when LOST CAUSE, who obviously had misread the instructions on "how to dismantle a table", managed to collapse it against said leg that GI JOE was asking about. This is the same girl who has looked after my cut legs on previous runs. She did say "SOLLY" and I did reply, "IT WAS ALLIGHT".
Now about this time the weather took a real turn for the worse. What had been heavy rain, soon became a torrential downpour, and the circle was quickly called to order.
The GM MENTAL DISORDER brought the hares in and they sat on the ice, still smiling, with their beautiful traditional dresses on, in the pouring rain. It was deemed a good run, but seemingly there were still some runners missing. SIR FREE WILLY, was then called in to do the raffle, but he was also AWOL.
By now the rain was really pissing down and I think if it had been a normal run, most would have buggered off, but because it was a Loy Krathong run, with prizes, and a enormous effort by the hares, proceedings progressed.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD took over the circle and judged the best Loy Krathong. Many great eco designed efforts. There was a winner, obviously, but cannot remember. Time to light them and float them in the lake beside the A-site.
Earlier we had been informed that there would be segregation on the baht buses, for smokers and non smokers. Well I think all the smokers had gone already, as we had trouble finding someone with a lighter. Also with the ensuing wind blowing in the wrong direction, they took a bit of launching.
Anyway, that out the way, it was time for the best costume. As this was decided by the verbal volume of the cheering, so began a process of elimination. The decibel dilemma was, the same people cheered similarly, each time for different costumes, without any obvious winner, or discernible decibel difference. Finally I think this was won by CASPER and DUCHESS TADPOLE.
Somehow, LONE WOLF managed to take some photos of the proceedings. I tried, but all I managed was a blurred picture of my finger. I blame RSB, as he was my wingman and I had to get him to show me where the camera app was on my phone. Blind leading the blind comes to mind.
Somehow SIR FREE WILLY re-appeared and was able to conduct the raffle. All prizes went quickly, during the bucketing rain, except for the cuddly toy "Nemo Fish." The way the rain was now coming down, you could have expected it to float away.
Talking of cuddly toys, it was at that juncture in time when LORD CHICKEN FUCKER and BALL RINGER arrived back from the run. Not sure if they thought it was a good run or not. (Oh Yeah!) How they made it back in the dark, only they know.
Up until this moment in time I had been matching Sir Really Sadistic Bastard beer for beer, but now the amber nectar was taking its toll. I do remember WANK-KING'S WANKER congratulating BELL END for haring ten runs.
SPERM POLLUTER running the circle like a crazed drugged Dervish on speed, icing anything that moved, with bulging bare buttock flesh smothering the burdened blocks of ice.
THE WIZARD doing a stint. (I think) Running the circle, not on the ice. The Hares dancing around and singing to the Loy Krathong song. Hash Hymn and then we were off.
Of course another great hash. Do we ever have a bad one? There was a lot more that happened, I know, but have not got a clue. Sorry if I did not mention you. Happy Hour was at Nicky's Bar. I did not go, but I am sure that as usual they would have looked after us well.
I hope the other 86 runners had as good a time as I had today.
Another great Hash.
On-On! General Kidney Wiper