Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1818 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Speedo Pete


The Concept

Run 1818 was the long-awaited 35th Anniversary Run of the Pattaya Hash. It turned out to be a success in excess of even the Mismanagement’s optimistic expectations.

Let me take you back a few months to a random Monday night in a random on-on bar to recount the tale of how it all came about. THE WIZARD was toying with the idea of doing something special for the event, mentally turning over ideas (food?, some free stuff?, dancing girls?, a sex show?) He wasn’t really paying attention to the drunk DIRT LOONEY who was rambling on. He couldn’t make up his mind what to do and how to go about it. He tuned back into LOONEY's slurred monologue. It was familiar ground, stuff he had heard before, stories from LOONEY's tough upbringing.

We wae oot digging peat for 3 hours before school every day. All us Looney kids, me, my brother, Soil and my sister, Oilin. We had to shovel through the snow. Our hands and feet wae chilled to the bone. But, to be honest, it was better than being sent doon rabbit holes as human terriers which we did on Thursdays...

THE WIZARD, in a moment of inspiration, connected the two. He realised what he was listening to was not just drunken shite but the story of the genesis of LOONEY's Calvinist work ethic. If he wasn’t working, he was drinking. If he wasn’t drinking, he was working. All he had to do was to sell the ideas to him, feed him some Leos, sit back and get DIRT LOONEY to do all the work.

And work he did! Within 24 hours DIRT LOONEY had started knitting the individualised 'goodie bag' bags. The effort he put in was remarkable. He took all the sign-ups, liaised with T-shirt manufacturers, sourced some calendars from the printers, cut up all the Cialis blister packs, packaged all the bags, cooked all the food, the list just goes on and on.

THE WIZARD, on the other hand, considered himself the centre of operations, the ideas man, the steering hand, management in short. But he needed more willing worker ants for his grand scheme. This wasn't just going to be a one-day special. No, he would create a four-day Hash festival, the greatest that Pattaya had ever seen. And he, THE WIZARD, would be crowned as the greatest Hash organiser in the whole history of the PH3.

The Team

He put MENTAL DISORDER as head of marketing who tirelessly promoted the event which, in turn, led to the incredible turnout (more on this later). In the kitchen, he had BURLY CHASSIS on chicken and pita bread, MENSTRUAL DISORDER dishing out the pasta, SQUEEZE MY TUBE lobbing a curry puff onto each plate and SPERM POLLUTER on food security ensuring none of the stragglers missed out on the delicious fare due to greedy bastards.

He had to choose the Hares with care. Your common and garden average Hare just wouldn’t cut it for the special day. He needed top notch Hares, ones who could actually walk with a bag and understood the complexities of laying a trail. He settled on VV, SCAR W2TS, NO MORE CUM and somebody else, oh yeah, PHANTOM. A great team who didn’t disappoint.

Special instructions were given out to the raffle organiser, FREE WILLY, to bolster the prize quota to match the expected high turnout. He duly obliged.

In line with the high numbers, more beer was required. VV delivered as ever. An extra truck was needed. SPERM POLLUTER stepped up to the plate. The long-since-retired Beer Police were wheeled out in the form of BOB-A-GOB and WHO CUT THE CHEESE.

Musical entertainment was superbly provided by TAMPAX and LINEAR ACCELERATOR. ODD-JOB played the bongos. The Harriettes led by enthusiastic LOST CAUSE gave a creative and amusing visual performance of Waltzing Matilda. This really deserves special praise. This bunch really made a big effort. They had to bring a lot of gear out to the A-site just to do this.

LONE WOLF, newly promoted to SERGEANT LONE WOLF, carried out Hash Flash duties. (Check out the website, folks). If I have missed anyone out, take it as read your hard work was appreciated.

The A-site

This was in a large redundant quarry north of the 36. It was huge and needed to be for the number of sign-ups. Initially there was a claim of 212 people but this was revised down to 193 turning up on the day. Check LIBERACE’s faultless statistics for the real number.

The Trail

The experienced Hare team put together 3 trails, a walker’s trail and two runner’s trails, medium and long. The long trail featured a 1.5 km loop up and over a mountain on an off-piste trail before rejoining the ‘medium’ trail. There were plenty of checks to keep the runners together in the first half and a long free-running section of sandy riverbed at the end to kill everybody off.

Not surprisingly, even though it was a well-papered and well-designed trail, GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER managed to get lost at the point the medium and long trails merged back together again. He achieved this heading backwards on the medium trail. The blame was put on a blue arrow on the ground that the ‘medium runners’ may have spitefully reversed in a fit of jealousy at the ‘long runners’ athletic prowess. GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER is a fine specimen of a man and it is easy to see how this jealousy could arise.

Later Proceedings

The second circle started with the raffle, which was a mega-raffle this week including numerous bottles of spirits and boxes of chocolates. G.I. JOE snagged the rice cooker to the dismay of the crowd as it was viewed as the top prize. NO CUNT TROLL scored twice, taking the lingerie both times. You can check out all the winners (possibly hundreds of them) in the run photos section. Plug – LONE WOLF – End plug.

The Hares were iced as ever and then all received special caricature mini-portraits of themselves. You can see these in the photos too. Replug – LONE WOLF – End plug again.

EMPEROR AIRHEAD was awarded Hash Crash due to his bike crash. He seemed to be moving okay as he circled around. We wish him a full and speedy recovery. Otherwise he gets to wear the helmet next week. There were at least 9 virgins. They were the ones who dared to come into the circle. There might have been others hiding in the shadows (Check LIBERACE's stats again). It was a full United Nations mix this week with countries as diverse as Estonia, Austria and Vanuatu represented.

THE WIZARD came up with a couple of fun party games, Pass the Parcel and Spin the Wheel. (Guess who did all the wrapping for the parcels? I’ll give you a clue. He dug peat as a kid) The first game had ping-pong balls inside the parcels (Patpong show inspired?). It was wildly popular with the female section of the crowd. The blokes milling around the beer truck were confused over where the naked women were.

WANK-KING'S WANKER came on to do the awards. In his lovable and inimitable style, he screwed it up again almost awarding the 100 run shirt to the wrong Belgian who he referred to as a Scandinavian. (It must be true what they say about Americans and geography.) But fear not, FREE WILLY charged, yes charged, into the circle like an African bull elephant in musth and put him back on the right track. I am beginning to suspect this is like a love ritual between them as they both enjoy pressing each other’s buttons. It is very touching to watch. So, after the confusion was ironed out, LOVE BOAT and MAYO QUEEN received 100 run shirts, CANNONBALL got his 50 run shirt XXXL and SCARLET PIMPERNEL his 5 Hared Runs thong.

At the other end of the scale, BEETROOT HEAD received Hash Trash for losing a Swamp Rat banner on the trail. Tut tut.

Our Ukrainian hotelier was given her Hash name, CRIMEAN PASSION. SCAR did the honours but went off script by soaking her with freezing cold Holy Hash water and not her beau, NO MORE CUM.

Towards the end, the Beer Police ended up on the ice as true to form in this neck of the woods, they had ended up shitfaced, abandoned their posts and failed in their duties. Simultaneously, the GM, MENTAL DISORDER, like any good TV producer, was concerned about over-running the time schedule. So, to push him over the edge, THE WIZARD played the final party game which went on much longer than planned. A new Hasher on only his second run who was 8’ 3” tall sat on NO CUNT TROLL and gave her a convincing lap dance. This was part of the party game. The Hares sang a Bob Dylan song or didn’t as TAMPAX sang it (very well) whilst they, the Hares, just stood behind him.

The Summary

A phenomenally successful 35th Anniversary PH3 Run was wrapped as the baht buses full of fat hashers lurched away scraping their footplates on the ground (who parked in a stupid place blocking them in?) A huge thanks goes out to THE WIZARD and DIRT LOONEY and everyone else who made the whole thing possible. If it wasn’t for the very hard work of a few, then the many would not be able to enjoy these unique nights out.
The End

P.S. KEE MAH, If you bring your washing machine to another run, it’ll have to be introduced in the circle as a virgin and shortly after get named.

On-On!  Speedo Pete


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