The evil Leprechaun was up to his little tricks again, and just like NASA's ill-fated Apollo 13 moon mission 49 years ago, this years St Patrick's Day run would be fraught with problems! Flight Director KEE MAH had originally intended to provide us all with free run t-shirts as is his usual generous custom but this year something went drastically wrong with the timing when he approached a skilled graphic designer at the 11th hour with a vague idea for a t-shirt design, and without even 'a sketch of a plan'. The nasty little Leprechaun deserved a special place on the other side of that rainbow for sure!
KEE MAH also wanted to have lots of run tokens out at his many, many back checks for a hares raffle but alas, that didn't come to pass either. Good intentions though and as usual, KEE MAH had a backstop insurance policy of Irish Whiskey. Only legally binding so long as there was 'Whiskey In The Jar' of course!
Then there was his a-site! Some Australian person had promised him that everyone would be missing from today's run because they had all jetted off to the Philippines. So KEE MAH had concluded that this new-ish, small-ish a-site would do the trick. He didn't count on 90 to 100 people showing up so it turned out to be a bit of a tight squeeze in there today.
Our generous Flight Director also had to contend with a last minute change to his flight crew when the original Mission Commander had to drop out after being exposed to some strange Pattaya virus and he could not take the risk of getting sick at a critical point in the mission! Not to worry though because our long time hasher REDCOAT who, being a member of the back up crew, immediately jumped in as a replacement. REDCOAT was joined by WANK-KING'S WANKER which made up the full crew of three for today's run.
So, back to the mission and the engines were ignited. Apollo 13 cleared the tower and off into the void the runners and walkers went. Following hanging paper only, which at first was very well placed, the front runners found the first check by the new motorway. It was solved fairly quickly and away the pack went, following tapioca alongside the new motorway before going into the trees.
While in among those trees, the original Ex Mission Commander suddenly appeared next to the front runners PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER and TOM BOY leaving them baffled as to where he had come from. On they went though, confused but determined to crack this mission today and finish first. No matter what, they got to keep their eyes on the prize!
They continued on and then came across what turned out to be a very long back check to the right, down a very long hill and as expected, they followed the paper obediently. When they eventually came across the back check, the Ex Mission Commander was no where to be seen! Strange is that!
The 'new' front runners SPEEDO PETE and NO MORE CUM bypassed the nasty back check and they and the exhausted Ex Mission Commander continued on their way until they reached the walkers split to the left.
So, walkers went left and two or three front runners, closely pursued by the now fully recovered Ex Mission Commander took the runners trail to the right when suddenly, there was a blindingly bright light! With that, all the hanging paper was torn away from the bushes up to 1km away and the Ex Mission Commander's navigation computer died! Somebody shouted that an oxygen tank had exploded, someone else shouted “don't worry, it belongs to KEE MAH but he doesn't need it any more”! There was also a foul smell but this was traced to the shoes of LINEAR ACCELERATOR who had stepped in TELLY TUBBY's dogs. 'Houston We Have a Ploblem'!!!
What to do now? The front runners turned to the Ex Mission Commander for guidance. The Fra Mauro Highlands were up to the left but there was also a trail on the low road to the right? After a brief pause to consult his original flight plan, the Ex Mission Commander followed the front runners up towards the highlands hoping that this was indeed the correct way.
Up the hill they walked but they found no evidence of hanging paper until about half way up when they spotted a solitary piece of white hanging paper dangling precariously in the distance on the corner of a bush at the top of the trail. On On was duly called and the slow walk turned into a brisk walk, which then turned into a jog. That all ended on reaching the top of the hill and hopes were dashed once they realized that the bushes, as far as the eye could see, appeared to be completely naked !
“Shall I show you the way” asked the Ex Mission Commander? “Yes” said SPEEDO PETE who then took off at a blistering pace. “slow down” cried the Ex Mission Commander, “I need to take a navigational fix” “no time for that” said SPEEDO PETE as he quickly drew away shouting “come on, do try to keep up” !
While cautiously continuing forward on instinct only, after having not seen any more hanging paper, the front runners and Ex Mission Commander reached the edge of the tree line and proceeded onto the dark far side, out of sight and out of communication range. For most of the mid pack, there was only the sound of static coming from up front! Fortunately, JACKAL quickly caught up and on hearing the front runners shout “On On maybe” as they occasionally found rare bits of crumpled paper on the ground, he duly relayed the message back to the pursuing mid pack.
On reaching the furthest edge of the far side, and again following instinct, the front runners and Ex Mission Commander eventually regained sight of consistent hanging paper and were once more able to confidently call On On. Here the trail followed the contours of the Fra Mauro highlands but apart from a single 'long' back check near the new road, there was nothing to slow down the front runners and they drew away. Very soon afterwards, the walkers and runners trail merged and we found ourselves back at mission control. The run was around 9km and walkers trail about 6km. Our GM got back late and I believe all made it safely back to base and the beer truck before it got dark.
With just a few minutes available to get cleaned up and with precious little time for our social club to well, er socialize, the 2nd circle was called and the proceedings got under way. THE WIZARD called in the hares and interrogated the circle as to their feelings about the run. It was widely agreed the run was good and a job well done.
LOST CAUSE then got the raffle under way. Prizes included Wine, Biscuits, Thermos Flask, Multi Function Cooker (a clear favourite with the girls), books, hats and a Cuddly Toy. Raffle prize winners included: LINEAR ACCELERATOR, BARNACLE BOLLOX, SOUR KRAUT BONE COLLECTOR, PINK TIGER, ARSE VAN HOLE, REDCOAT, NO MORE CUM and the returnee Michael Hornsey.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD who unusually, was in a stern no nonsense mood then took the circle and brought us all back under control again. He had in his hand a splendid wooden plaque that was intended to be given to a very hard working long time hasher GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER as a way of thanks for services to our club over the years. Unfortunately GKW has now moved up to Bangkok so was not present on the run today.
The hares were put on the ice again and various misdemeanors pointed out that included the small-ish 'intimate' three deep asite and also the hares good use of HHH signs. Others put on the ice included STUPID KRAUT KUNT, TURD BURGLAR and SUPERVIRGIN.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD brought into the circle FRENCH KISS and SOUR KRAUT BONE COLLECTOR with the announcement that this couple had volunteered to take on the Hash Rags position. Well done to them.
Lastly, this weeks hash virgins Ken Gillespe and Nathida Chalwan were welcomed to our club and the circle was handed over to WANK-KING'S WANKER for this weeks awards: LINEAR ACCELERATOR achieved 150 runs, HARBOUR WHORE received a 100 runs t-shirt and STREET CLEANER was given a 5 Hared Run hat.
In addition, THE WIZARD announced that UNSTABLE LOAD whom after receiving a weeks training from former Hash Awards SIR FREE WILLY, will now take over as Hash Awards.
NO MORE CUM stepped into the circle and brought in long time hashers LORD CHICKEN FUCKER and FOWL FUCKER and reminisced how they all recently had a reunion in the UK with another long time retired hasher Mickey 'WHO ATE ALL THE PIES' Angel. Good days.
Next up was BARNACLE BOLLOX who sang an Irish song called O'Sulivan's Son which was very well done with many words and verses to remember.
Our very, very bad RA SCAR W/2T'S briefly took the circle to put into the ice bucket BAHT BUS GESTAPO for talking in the circle. Our GM was well pleased with this because the ice bucket had not been used in two weeks! Others punished included WANK-KING'S WANKER and HURTS HER VAGINA.
Then it was time for the hares song which was performed by REDCOAT who sang another shorter Irish Song. Finally the Hash Hymn was performed and it was the end of another Monday fun run in the Jungle. Thanks hares and mismanagement for doing a good job and see everyone next week.