PH3 Run 1852 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Gangreen
The following scribe report is sponsored by: “Ed’s International House Of Toast”. Our Motto: “If You Don’t Want Your Toast Buttered, You Can Always Jam It”
Taking the first bus out to the A-site is usually a very quiet and somber affair. The conversation usually consists of: my crappy exchange rate, my prostate has started talking to me again, my missed appointment with some bar girl and probably the most common: “Is there any way I can avoid being on the same return Baht bus with WANK-KING'S WANKER?”. It’s sadly the mundane talk of somebody who doesn’t have a beer in his/her hand.
But there was a run today at one of our old favourites “The Asian University” Haven’t been at this location since the recently departed MENTAL DISORDER used to have his bi-weekly runs here many, many moons ago. Sadly this university has had to close its doors but after much pains-taking research I did find a translation from the original Latin version of the school motto. Literally translated it means “We’ve Upped Our Standards, So Up Yours”.
But being on the first Baht bus to arrive does give you lots of time to survey the pastoral settings and to watch our fellow Hashers spring into action doing all the pre-run preparations. There in the edge of the trees was GING GANG GOOLIES erecting a sign between two trees. Only problem was that the sign was facing into the woods so only the flora and fauna were able to actually see what it was about. But that was not really a big surprise and we all know that GING GANG GOOLIES always had trouble with any form of an erection. The other observation was another group of Hashers trying to erect (geez that word seems to be said a lot in Pattaya) the official Hash House Gazebo or whatever it’s called. My last count to had a minimum of 7 individuals each working independently but after much blood, sweat and tears like a miracle it finally all came together. Probably only after LOST CAUSE took control of the situation. I think that LOST CAUSE is our Hashes’ Swiss Army Knife. She does it all in a compact size.
Since NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER was missing in action (the Bastard!), WANK-KING'S WANKER and I decided to take a little stroll and sit on the cement curb away from all the hub bub. Whilst asking Mr. W.W. a simple question ("What’s the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?.. Your mother can’t take a joke.") The sky around me suddenly turned all dark as if there was an eclipse or the final apocalypse. Just as I was about to get all religious I heard this booming voice saying “You Will Be The Scribe..So It Shall Be Written And So It Will Be Done”, I looked up and there was CANNONBALL standing over me. How can you say no to God or the Grand Master?
So the first circle was called. We welcomed all of our visitors with the usual kind words and filthy song to show them how classy we are. It’s really amazing as these visitors were from Brazil, Turkey, Vietnam and places unknown. The Hash House Harriers really are dedicated world travelers. Next were those people who continue to flaunt their brand new, just out of the box shoes on our family friendly Hash into our faces. To make matters worse, the didn’t even drink all the beer and poured most of the Chang Beer onto the ground. Poor SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD was beside himself watching that Golden Nectar go to waste. But those new shoe wankers continually show up every Hash run much to chagrin of people like me and you and us. They are probably the kind of people who take joy farting in an elevator as well. Anyhoo, after the public service announcements were read by our GM of the day CANNONBALL and the misinformation, disinformation and the usual lack of heeding said info by the circle, everybody took off into the unknown. Will everybody be safe? Will everybody come back? Who cares!!
Dipsomania is a historical term describing a medical condition involving an uncontrollable craving for alcohol which brings us to the Beer Hunters. Led by the intrepid and sometimes sober RSB we headed off to the local grog shop to kill an hour or so until it was safe to return to the A-site. If you’ve never been on a beer hunt, after listening to the varied conversations, you will quickly come to the logical conclusion… “You Can’t Teach Stupid”. Beer Hunting is a sport that turns your hippocampus into porridge.
The second circle was called to order and the Hares (remember them?) were the first to warm up the Hash Ice. THE WIZARD, SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE and JACK WOW were the hares for the day and by all accounts, everyone thought it was a great run. JACK WOW didn’t make an appearance at the run as he received an urgent call from a bar girl “Teelak my boyfriend just left for the airport and really, really miss you.” Probably the only real excuse the Hash could accept. But a big, big Hash thank you for all the work you Hares did…and I’m sure you all know just how much we really mean it.
If I could read my notes, I could probably go on and on about the who the offenders of the Hash Trash and Hash Crash were but luckily the names of the ‘perps’ are listed already. Visitors welcomed and the other usual blah, blah blah. Which leads us to the appearance of SPERM POLLUTER or Spermy as the boys in Boystown call him. Now sadly our SPERM POLLUTER suffers from an extremely rare disease called “Reverse Tourettes”. What’s Reverse Tourettes you might ask?… it is the condition of only being able to say nice things about people.
But the RA’s job is not to be the nice cop and it was inspiring to see him screw up his courage to do a frightening and overwhelming task…..the way he harangued, harassed, ranted, raved and generally foamed at the mouth left the circle awe struck. It was scarier than your morning ‘dump’ after eating your first red beet salad. There might be hope for him yet!
Next up was our usual Grand Master, The Right Honorable “THE WIZARD”….”King for a day, fool for a lifetime”. Some of my fellow Hashers really believe that THE WIZARD as GM has brought the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’ back to the Monday Hash. Whilst others truly appreciate his effort not to suck every Monday but it’s usually his more sophisticated attempts at obfuscation that leaves the crowd wondering… ”I think we’ve just been served ‘word salad'.” But I believe that it’s the GM’s main function to separate the narcissist, the psychopath and the sociopath from each other and more importantly to tell the difference.
Saving the best for last was LORD CHICKEN F*CKER whose turn to embarrass both himself and the various unsuspecting sinners finally arrived. But I must say that LCF looked especially ‘butch’ in the black biker jacket he was wearing that day. I usually think the LCF would really feel more comfortable wearing a dress but that M/C jacket really made him look more mannified. When you watch LCF wander around the circle looking for his lost puppy or his mind you might think that he has become discombobulated but that would be very wrong… By his low standards you finally become aware that he is very combobluated and you feel a deep empathy for him as we really believe that in the past he has suffered severe mental anguish, physical and emotional distress as a result of having too many ‘wedgies’ afflicted on him by the school bullies when he was a young lad. But since the Hash has very low standards and modest expectations, whatever he did to whoever he did it to was greeted with the resounding sound of apathy and the clapping with one hand.
By this time you might be wondering “GANGREEN, (me) what you wrote is both semi-boring and has not one social redeeming value, WTF really happened.” Honestly I really don’t have a clue. Sometime during Mondays circle, the Beer Fairy entered my body and made the official Hash pen have a life of its own. All I really wanted to write about was how much fun we really had, how much we all love our fellow Hashers, and quote excerpts from the Bible to inspire you all. I guess all I can really say is “that’s what I meant, though with the implication that the syntactic structure was necessarily driven by the semantic one.” And leave it at that.
And I will leave you with this… “why is this thus and what is the reason for this thusness?”
Scribo Ergo Sum