PH3 Run 1882 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Gangreen
Welcome to Pattaya Hash House Harriers Run #1882….or is it Run #1999…or is it Run #???. Who the hell knows. All the dedicated, still alive hashers showed up for our first run in way too many weeks. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but not true if you actually saw our PH3 group who are living examples of the Dunning-Kruger effect….A psychological phenomenon which leads incompetent people to overestimate their ability because they can’t grasp just how much they don’t know. But on to our scribe report:
Yes, it’s been a terrible year for mankind. Every day seemed worse than the previous ones but somehow we are slowly getting back to whatever we call ‘nornal’. For example: what is normal for TURD BURGLAR or SEAL SUCKER might not be what is considered normal for you…and definitely not for ARSE BANDIT. But if we all survived our decades spent in Thailand (and if half of the stories are true) then we have built up a supreme immune system. Invading pathogens are nothing compared what most of us have had in our past lives.
The first circle is the usual hello to everybody, try not to insult the visitors until at least the second circle, where to put ‘what’ where (talking about the rubbish) and mostly try to speak louder than the GM. Our wonderful hares today: SPERM POLLUTER, CASPER and the always available DIRT LOONEY. DIRT LOONEY really got our attention whilst he was explaining the run as it was if he was talking to a bunch of petulant two year olds. Anyway, the pack took off to the east and the Beer Hunters with a swifter pace headed west.
Sadly, our beloved Beer Hunters have really taken a hit with this virus hoax. Today it was only WANK-KING'S WANKER and REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD but the tradition lives on. Was chatting with RSB earlier and he mentioned that he spent so much time sitting on his sofa during the lockdown, he had gone from his usual ‘old man smell’ to something closely resembling a ‘cadaver’. I personally couldn’t tell the difference but next time your around RSB, give him a whiff or two or three…..I know he’d appreciate it.
Well…..the run has finished. As we all know, it’s not about who finishes, it’s about who finished first and touches the beer truck. That’s what real Hashing is all about. Most of us don’t really care who came in first as our heads our usually stuck in one of the beer coolers fishing out a cold one. We all had to reintroduce ourselves to the PH3 Beer Truck (a VV enterprise non profit, very limited liability company) Y’all remember beer….it tastes kind of like juice but acts differently because it steals memories and physical and mental abilities…..unless your drinking San Miguel which tastes more like near-frozen gnat’s urine. But everyone was in a jovial mood as it’s been so long since we all got together, most people forgot who they were supposed to avoid and a lot of social intercourse was taking place. Jocularity…Jocularity
The second circle begins with our ‘Mr. Reliable GM’ THE WIZARD taking the reins of the circle…or at least trying to. It’s really hard to be a nice guy when we have so many ass draggers trying to slog their way to the circle. But THE WIZARD was not deterred…. he filled up his pockets with raw meat and jumped with both feet into the lion’s den. Pretty spunky guy. There is no timorous evasiveness or sly circumlocutions about our GM… and he leaves you guessing about “where the truth ends and the lies begins” a trait that only past Thai girlfriends usually had.
First up were the hares: SPERM POLLUTER, CASPER and DIRT LOONEY. Everyone thought it was a good, short run. Hard part was the GM trying to remember everybody’s Hash name as he asked around for peoples opinions. Thank you hares. At this time we should also mention all of the ‘unofficial’ PH3 Hash runs these hares created for the running deprived individuals and most importantly the extraordinary charity and volunteer work these lads performed. Biggest one being their 100,000 steps to earn money for the Norwegian Church. Well done boys….I’m thinking that you two are surely going to Heaven despite all of your past and future ‘sins’.
Today’s raffle was conducted by HARD ON. He was a busy man as he brought out 2 virgins (who I believe were from Kiwi Land), celebrated his 45th birthday and tried to pull some kind of a ‘Red Herring’ by substituting some form of a unsalable piece of crap he was trying to pawn off as a valuable Hash lottery prize to us always unsuspecting and trusting Hashers. Your caper didn’t work this time and you deserved all of the ice time you received. We (The Hash) were really hurt by your stunt and we don’t hurt easy.
Next up is the illustrious pantheon of pathetic WANK-KING'S WANKER and his Hash House Award ceremony. Sometimes your blessings come at the least expected time and this was one of them. Since nobody has earned any awards with the lockdown there were no awards to be presented…..YES!!! We weren’t going to see the Fuck-up Fairy visit WW this week but I’m sure he will continue his random acts of meandering and to act like a simpleton while giving up the pretext of having two brain cells to rub together during our next visit. Can’t wait. Stay tuned.
What was up with that vomit inducing Bromance going on between NA HEE MAN and SEAL SUCKER??? Apparently they were so into each other on the trail that they passed the trail split and went off into the sunset hand in hand. But this Rule 6 behavior continued on into the circle as they stood very too close to each other, sang out all kinds of Hash gay ‘show tunes’, continually conversed during the circle and I’m sure they are so in tune with each other they actually finish each others sentences…. Really confirms what we all really thought about these two ‘guys’ all along. In most parts of the world, their behavior would be considered a “Misdemeanor” in any court of law….. It was a really, really sad thing to behold.
And along came the Belgians (Belgian Lives Matter!!) to visit the ice. This motley crew (not the hard rock group) are always lolling around the circle and usually blocking my route to the beer coolers. They seem to be a shadowy group doing unknown Belgian things but it’s their stubborn refusal to learn any form of a Hash song that is truly mind boggling. The good news is that they will be the Hares for next week’s run as it’s some kind of Belgian Day or something like that. Maybe they can hum a couple of tunes for us then.
With the ‘wartime rationing’ of beer, I am able to still read my notes and they are filled with all sorts of evil doers. We all know that with most Hashers’ inferiority complex they put on the act of a drunken fool just to get our attention. But we are not fooled by your shenanigans are we: CRAZY GERMAN, NA HEE MAN, RSB, and you bloody foreigners CRAP THAI and MR. BEAN, et.al. Just remember that we are trying to run a family Hash and certainly not your family.
Next up on our evenings menu is SPERM POLLUTER…”Spermy to his friends”. As we all know, our Spermy is a very reticent type of individual. We all appreciate the herculean effort it takes for Spermy to screw up (not the WW way of screwing up) his courage and take over the circle. Holding true to the adage “Revenge Is Best Served Cold” Spermy immediately sprung into action and iced almost every person he saw. Soon the ice and buckets were overflowing with ass cheeks and other naughty bits. Always fun when it’s the other guy suffering. I have no recollection of exactly what Spermy said and I’m positive he has no memories of this event either. I do remember there was one blip in the Hash radar when our Spermy was flirty with mediocrity but it luckily passed quickly. During these hard times, Spermy mentioned that he is willing to give a comforting hug to anyone who is distressed, sad, depressed or has tits.
But the bad news from this so called Virus hoax just keeps on coming. For most Hashers, it was the saddest news since their dog died. No beer to be taken on the ride home in the Baht buses. YEAH!!! You heard it right….no beer!! Where was Spermy to give us all a consoling hug in these troubling times. Probably one of the quietest bus rides ever back to Pattaya for our beloved PH3. We can only hope that it’s a “Haileys Comet” type of catastrophe and will only happen again in another 75 years.
Led by the Belgian all boys choir, we proceeded to butcher the Hash Song and say our fond farewells to VV’s beer truck. It sure was a forlorn herd of Hashers making their way to the buses. I was hoping that somebody had some C2H5OH, on them so we could maybe brew up a batch on the way home Only thing I was focused on was not to be on the same bus as NA HEE MAN and his new bunkmate SEAL SUCKER in case they decided to perform some kind of juicy lip lock.
Keep Your Pecker Up
Hugo ergo scribo