Pattaya H3

PH3 Run 1885 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Na Hee Man

The HHH Circle began before it began, with the omnipresent (with his not insubstantial height, weight, girth & loud mouth) GM berating MADAM SIN near the beer truck for not opening her beer can sufficiently close to the coolers……perhaps he was concerned that she might again get ‘cunted’, again fall about in the circle and in the homeward baht bus and again receive ‘Wanker of the Week’ status/accolade; this is doubtful, as the GM, a purported former prison warden/guard and possible former inmate, is often seen throwing his substantial corpus & invective around – especially when dispatching wisdom/abuse to folks often female, whose top knot may reach (when standing) up to his elbow…..

WANK-KING’S WANKER prattled on about preferring to be an ‘oblate spheroid’ – yes, we know, his psychiatric sessions are haltingly progressing down on Soi 6…..The GM demanded and got WW’s silence with a threat to ram his penal (penile?!?) truncheon up WW’s coit! WW skulked to the ice for worshiping a ‘BJ’s Bar’ beer cooler condom, which he held in his scrawny hand …..GI JOE notably quipped, ‘For WW, it’s better to Give than to Receive’!

HARD ON was awarded the Hash Crash Helmet by the GM, who insulted him as incompetent as a ‘Wolverhampton Warriors defender’, for HARD ON had supposedly skinned his knee ‘down (literally, on bended) BJ’s Bar!’ (as noted, though perhaps not witnessed by NUT CRACKER).

GM finally came out with something positive and poignant – Road soda beers (one per hasher) are again now allowed on the homeward baht buses!

Hares HARD ON and ARSE BANDIT arrived to the ice in their poofy sandals; the typically confused Belgian/French contingent could only muster a timid ‘tres bien’ before the remainder of the Circle unanimously ratified that today’s trail was better than that of the American hares from the Monkey HHH event of 2 days previous in the same vicinity…..this was taken stoically and with a wisp of chagrin by Monkey hare PUSSY SNATCHER, who is and loves to be popular with/at his favorite social club.

MR BEAN, our ‘Stream of Consciousness’ scribe from last week in his minimalist format was asked his opinion of today’s walk. ‘The trail disappeared!’… observant anonymous Hasher retorted, ‘Too bad MR BEAN didn’t!’!

The raffle was ‘a conundrum of numbers’, as most hashers who thought they won had the wrong ticket(s) and predictably – a real Hash SNAFU – folks thrown on the ice & in the bucket somehow ended up with the correct tickets…..especially COOKIE MONSTER, who won a bottle of wine, a free drink and a very cold ass! CRAP THAI won the booby prize – a perfectly shaped watermelon…..

WW presented the sole HHH award – A 5 Hare T-shirt for DIRTY PUSSY – well done, notre Belgique!

Virgin Khun Noot and newcomer Mark from Los Angeles were asked their opinions on the day’s events. Noot said, ‘He got small dick’ (not sure whom she meant!); Mark’s answer: ‘Good fun, good people. I’m so glad I met JELLO BUTT in a local bar (his first Hash-related faux pas!). I’m In’…..fodder for his future name – Mark’s grandmother was supposedly married 5 times and killed all of her husbands! Lizzie Borden comes to mind…..’About a maiden I’ll sing a song, who didn’t have her husbands long; not only did she do them wrong, she did every one of them in’. I’m In! More Hash music to come…..somehow in this mix, NUT CRACKER ended up on the ice, pontificating (as only a near-Octogenarian can!) in broad-Scots ‘If something is good, you can’t get it for free!’…..

GM throws SEAL SUCKER in the bucket for being a competitive, glory-seeking ass-wipe who likes to think of the Hash as a Running Club wherein being victorious is the ultimate aim. SS is unfazed & unrepentant – that’s right, another arrogant & condescending Kiwi…..they are all around the world.

MADAM SIN and CRAZY GERMAN planted on the ice for apparently holding (due to the Covid 19 pandemic HHH hiatus) the ‘Wanker of the Week’ T-shirt and some sort of related Spoon, with which I’m unfamiliar – anyway, the two of them have had this notorious distinction for 17+ weeks already!

We would have been remiss had not all Phuket HHHers been iced to sing CRAP THAI into his next year with a robust and heartily sung version of ‘Happy Birthday, you CUNT!’! Be patient – there is indeed more Hash music forthcoming…..

LORD CHICKEN FUCKER took the Circle to tell us that his children of 44, 40 & 22 years old are partial proof that he’s ‘shagged a lot of young birds (and boyz down BoyzTown!) in his day’. In fact, he said his balls were so big that he had them chopped off and made into a stew (foreskin, however, not included)…..this segued into a diatribe about BALL RINGER, who now sat on the ice. LCF opined that BR of the Golden Cock had a head so much like a football that LCF was sorely tempted to ‘kick it’! LCF then reminded us that BR’s missus, BELL END, used to ‘like a bit of ‘Black End’ from a former African American, African European or just plain African – just truly trying to be politically correct, because ‘Black Lives Do Matter’! - paramour in bygone days…..there was more blather/bollocks about English football, resulting on LCF throwing the GM in the bucket because the GM’s team lost the game.

Half Cheek/Half Ass Al (half Kiwi, half Aussie) took to the ice voluntarily to revel in more of LCF’s spying revelations implicating Half Al, observed from both near and far….. down BoyzTown.

LCF’s coup de grace was to put COOKIE MONSTER (referred to just then as ‘Pussy Monster’) on ice for being the ‘most victorious’ winner in the raffle. Her other half, SPASTIC WHORE KING, was also iced as guilty by association and LIBERACE (referred to as Liber Assy!) cooled his rear too, until Hash Music from hares began (to the tune of John Denver’s ‘Country Road’):

Take me Home, Soi Buhkao, Girlie Bar, LK Metro!
Take me Home, To the Place I Belong
No Corruption, No Prostitution
Pay Money for your Visa
Take me Home, Soi Buhkao, Girlie Bar, LK Metro!

The Hash Hymn was sung, with BEN 10 leading the chorus.
Circle closed and beer coolers closed and soon thereafter re-opened for partaking of road soda beers……vestiges of normalcy are slowly creeping their way into our collective post-Covid 19 pandemic reality!
Unfinished or Incomplete Accolades:

1) NA HEE MAN, awarded the distinction as the ‘most stranded’ Covid 19 era HHHer gets ‘fuck all’ for a prize.
2) LORD CHICKEN FUCKER, recognized as the primary owner and hence ‘Big Ham’Burgmeister of BoyzTown, also gets ‘fuck all’ for a prize.
3) GANGREEN has yet to be honored in any way for not rolling out of the homeward baht bus for a 3rd time.
4) That GM THE WIZARD of Auz is a truculent pisshead is not putative nor alleged – does not the truth demand a recognition/prize? Luckily, no – the GM (who in his self-assumed authoritative and half-informed Hash state believes the HHH is a democracy, which it isn’t) is always right and truth on the Hash can never get in the way of a good story!

Those who carried on to the ON ON ON (where the Buffalo roam!) were subjected to the immemorable karaoke trio of CASPER, SPERM POLLUTER and NUT CRACKER…..

On-On!  Na Hee Man

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