PH3 Run 1888 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Na Hee Man
Today’s repetitive theme was first hit upon with the opening of the 1st Circle. The GM lectured his flock “to never let the truth get in the way of a good story on the Hash!”! The GM immediately practiced what he preached by lying that his new shoes were not new, just ‘freshly washed’……of more interest were his bright deep-purple socks, which, according to LORD CHICKEN FUCKER, were the same color as the GM’s bell end……this supposed truth was apparently verified by LCF via his working teams down BoyzTown, from whom LCF gets regular reports and where the GM can often be found getting ‘treatment(s) for his aching Achilles’ heel(s)’ – no pun intended!
Speaking of color and BELL END (about whom you’ll later here more), she showed in neon green and DUCHESS TADPOLE wowed the HHH crowd (even the gay-leaning ones) in a hot fluorescent pink body suit that blinded all those who couldn’t keep their eyes off her…..
Veteran HHHer Dr. BURL IVES, who for years taught ‘Environmental Concerns & Remediation in a Free & Democratic Society’ at Hong Kong University (obviously an inspiration for all those soon-to-be-if-not-already-jailed HK dissidents/former students) asked ‘What is a back check? Can someone explain it to me?’ DIRT LOONEY (always anal about blue & red sticks and their uses on the Hash – go figure!) pointed out his one-page tutorial treatise on ‘Pattaya HHH checking protocols’ displayed in plain view on the beer truck. …Dr. BURL IVES had indeed apparently read it, yet couldn’t figure it out; a moot point, as DBI has never nor will ever break any type of check, since he is almost always DFL (dead fucking last!) on any Hash walk that he does……again, go figure!
2nd Circle - The GM was feeling particularly gregarious today and iced our Slovenian clubbers, SHE’S THE BOSS and HAPPY SURVIVOR to issue ‘Hash Hero’ bling placards on neck chains of plastic gold to both of them for bringing ‘copious virgins’ to the weekly Monday HHH events.
The Hares replaced the Slovenians on the ice, with JELLO BUTT’s hat going into the bucket along with CASPER; SPERM POLLUTER bared his ass in the finest Marauder tradition and also took a cold seat. The GM thanked them for haring and welcomed JELLO BUTT back to PH3 after an apparent multi-year absence. Our erstwhile GM also accoladed JELLO BUTT as a good hare, ‘even though JB has never broken a check on any Hash run/walk in his entire life!’.
The GM today also refrained from icing certain Hashers for egregious acts & statements: Namely, VV and TWO TIME snooping around the raffle prize table and DEL BOY, who bellowed ‘I win every week on the PH3 run/race’!
Today’s Run was deemed good, as NA HEE MAN said it was ‘long, hot and hard – just the way she likes it!’ MR BEAN declared the Walk to be verdant & scenic with a dearth of rabid dogs - bucolic, in fact. The GM then asked him, ‘that has something to do with the plague (or Covid 19!), doesn’t it?!?
Raffle prizes were awarded, with the GM instructing his Thai female helper “I’ll hold it out, and you pull it!”. LIBERACE won, yet was not awarded a prize because he lost his winning ticket. …SOUR KRAUT BONE COLLECTOR (the PH3 Haberdasher) won the lone pair of shorts and was bucketed to take ice cubes & freezing water ‘in the shorts’ and “oop ‘is arse”, said ARSE BANDIT in his Yorkshire twang. KNICKERLESS won for the 5th week in a row – lucky girl – and she & all other victors were not iced this week; they included two booze winners VELCRO DICK (surprise, surprise!) & FLEECE LIFTER, YA YA (No No!), and WANK-KING’S WANKER (he intends to lace his luckily-won giant tin of cookies with dope before he breaks his fast with them…..). YA YA won again, yet graciously opted for a redraw. Amazing!
The Wanker of the Week Spoon being recently re-discovered, 3 candidates were summoned to ice themselves: MR BEAN, because he is who he is & LIBERACE, because he got banned from Facebook for calling his fellow Norwegian countrymen back at home ‘a herd of sheep’ (or cattle or some such nonsense). The 3rd was BUM BOY, because he went to sleep one night last week and awakened with a black eye – ‘Bullshit, Bulllshit, it all sounds like Bullshit to Us, to Us!’….. They were all spared, however, when UNSTABLE LOAD bucketed himself and confessed that he had kept the coveted Wanker Spoon for the past 5 weeks and so got it back.
WW shared more of his warped wisdom by blurting to the Circle, “I’ve already been all of the people I ever wanted to be.”!
Kiwi Kim was iced to receive his Hash Name: UNCONSCIOUS MASTURBATOR. This somehow came about after the GM asked Kiwi Kim to tell us something about himself, with the GM’s reminder to ‘never let the truth get in the way of a good story on the Hash’. So obviously, a load of insignificant bollocks was discussed… ..FLEECE LIFTER also prattled on about both him and UM being half Kiwi/half Aussie cunts, with FL eventually iced for telling the GM to ‘Shut Up’!
SPERM POLLUTER and PHANTOM were iced for being members of the Pattaya Gay HHH ‘Bum Chum’ Club. The GM enacted the universal HHH Rule 6 – No Poofters, and referred to SP as ‘Sperm Guzzler’ when awarding him with an extra-large pink ‘no Poofery’ T shirt!
PUSSY SNATCHER took the Circle and let us know that a nearby lake has been named after SPERM POLLUTER. It seems that SP and the GM – now both sat on the ice – reconnoitered an HHH event back along and found this lake, which somehow ended up as SP’s namesake…..
LCF comes in the Circle, toting a cloth bag, and ices PARISIAN TITI as a ‘bag lady’ for having a similar bag of his own. ‘I don’t come into the Circle naked, you know (and thank fuck for that!)’ said LCF. “But what I have done since last week is trade in my ‘Buggery Bird’ for a ‘Buggery Baaaahhh Sheep’ named Roger!” Roger is rumored to be useless in the garden, yet that didn’t prevent BELL END from getting a bit of that Alabama black snake all those years ago…..” PHANTOM goes in the bucket with Roger, as they both may have been sprung from the loins of Botany Bay convicts in olden days. FLEECE LIFTER then tongues Roger’s ARSE VAN HOLE, and LCF tells BALL RINGER that he should ‘go and piss on PHANTOM in the bucket for declaring himself English though he’s an Australian citizen!’. LCF then invites KNICKERLESS to have a 3some with Roger the sheep and whomever else of her choosing…..OK!
GI JOE is iced for being next week’s hare, and LCF thanks him and co-hare LADY SQUEEZE MY TUBE in advance for putting on hamburgers on that upcoming event. LCF also recommends that VV also prepare some ‘roadkill pate’’ for that future picnic. VV says, ‘No problem – I will cook the Roger sheep and make sheep pate’!’ LCF also reminds GI JOE to also bring ‘furburgers’ to the feast as well….. In parting the Circle, LCF tells us that Roger is battery operated and sings frozen asses off the ice.
The Hares sing and serenade the Circle from the ice, yet from memory, as JELLO BUTT forgot the song sheet! The ever–popular LCF (aka Denizen of BoyzTown) came to the Hares rescue with Roger under his arm and a surrogate song: Where The Sheep Have No Name – “I’m looking for you, I wanna screw, where the sheep have no name; I’m looking for you, I wanna screw – Baaaaahh - where the sheep have no name……”
In our PH3 midst as of late has been a Hasher who, over the past quarter century, has amassed three HHH names on the Pattaya Hash. He showed a few weeks ago and mentioned his HHH name as ‘Virgin Loser’ because the last event he attended (nearly 18 years ago!) resulted in him getting lost on trail and arriving to the Circle on a motorcycle……when he recently again returned for another PH3 event, Hash Cash told him he was registered in the ancient database from 20+ years ago as ‘WANNABEE STREAKER’; so he told the story of how he got that name on the PH3 because he repeatedly streaked at the Hong Kong 7’s rugby tournament over the years and hence isn’t a ‘Wannabee’ anything (though he is a Wanker!)…..all his palaver paled in comparison to the story behind his very 1st HHH name, which he got on PH3 over 25 years ago – he visited PH3 with some of his Hong Kong rugby team mates and arrived to sign up with the ‘be-Jesus’ beaten out of him – eyes swollen shut, split lips, a bruised forehead and a busted nose…..he had bravely gotten in the Muay Thai boxing ring the previous evening to duke & kick it out with a Thai female champion opponent. In 3 rounds, she broke his schnauz-shnagola (in round 1), took the sole punch from our idiot-hero (in round 2) and knocked him unconscious with a head kick (in round 3); he awakened in his hotel bed, his face a blood-encrusted, broken mess and spirited himself to the PH3 to be aptly dubbed, ‘SUGAR RAY DWARF’! Though truth on the HHH is irrelevant, it’s hard to doubt the veracity of this tale, as he did show to get his 1st Hash name on that fateful day, despite having had the ‘living shit’ beat out of him…..
The Hash Hymn/Swing Low, Sweet Chariot was sung in closing, and PUSSY SNATCHER had the penultimate word this week: ‘……and the scribe sucks at singing the Hash Hymn!.....’
The closing query of the week is something which the Circle can ponder: When LIBERACE was an event/musical concert coordinator some years ago back in Norway, did he really fuck Dolly Parton? Let us all wait and see if the truth does or doesn’t get in the way of a good story on the Hash!
On-On! Na Hee Man