PH3 Run 1890 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Na Hee Man
First Circle – Today began sad and ended happy; SEAL SUCKER read a heartfelt Eulogy to his and our long-standing Kiwi PH3 mate, BANANAS (aka Kevin Noel Glentworth), who passed away on Friday August 28, 2020. “BANANAS in his life did over 1200 runs with the Auckland Hash House Harriers in New Zealand. He was an avid follower of Formula One auto racing and of course the mighty All Blacks New Zealand Rugby Team. His claim to fame was five children to three mothers, and he often mentioned the names of three daughters as Barbara aa, Dolly, and Bow Peep, for she is quite a little girl! We all knew BANANAS as one who ‘moans & groans and mumbles about most things’, but knowing him, we also know for a fact that he would love to be here today…..On On BANANAS, to the Big OnOnOn in the Sky!” A moment of silence was observed in his honor.
Most PH3 attendees today noticed that DUCHESS TADPOLE showed without her neon hot pink body glove outfit and were sorry to be told that it was still in the ‘dirty laundry’!
Second Circle – FUCK OFF was iced, tried to appeal, and shut his mouth when the bucket was proffered to him. He won Hash Trash for the 2nd consecutive week because he lost his shoes last time - it’s no wonder, considering he carries enough gear to scale the Eiger on every Hash walk he endures…..
Hares VV and team (TWO TIME, PARISIAN TITI & CHIP CHIP) were iced and the run was deemed excellent: JACKAL thought so since he lost neither watch nor eyewear (though he wiped out twice to render himself unhurt); SPERM POLLUTER enjoyed ‘excellent swamps, all around!’; BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK ‘loves squishy-wishy conditions’ (not sure how to say that in German); and our Slovenian chain smoker, SHE’S THE BOSS, likened it all to ‘swamp & water and water & swamp’…..the walkers also waxed poetic about their trail: SEAL SUCKER stated it was ‘scenic, flat and non-tedious (unlike him!)’ and the GM chimed in, “though I didn’t walk today, I heard the affair was ‘short, succinct and to the point’ (just like his prick, according to LORD CHICKEN FUCKER!)”
Raffle winners: PING PONG, DOG LICKS ITS DICK (a ‘car seat’ organizer – his prize, not him), GI JOE (bottle of red wine, fruit of the vine), Jimmy from USA (English tea & biscuits), ARSE VAN HOLE (a Tupperware set), PARISIAN TITI (tea towels) & PATPOM (a bottle of white wine, fruit of the vine) with an ear- piercing scream of victory……
EMPEROR AIRHEAD had just walked away from WANK-KING’S WANKER (who hadn’t shut up for 20+ minutes, conducting his own Circle) when he was welcomed back after nearly a half year hiatus from PH3; taking the Circle, EA iced the Hares for having no sense of arithmetic nor geometry because the ice blocks were melting away in a stream of muddy water that mucked up half the 100+ feet standing in the Circle. The Hares (being Belgian & French, both with Thai wives) were well-prepared in wearing Wellington water-proof boots, and EA reminisced about bygone days when VV was the Belgique Tarzan of the Hash who courted the lovely young farm girl TWO TIME….little did she expect that several decades later she’d be ‘laying the paper, cooking the food & doing all the work (with the help of CHIP CHIP) while VV (and PARISIAN TITI) ate, talked about sports and other interesting shit, and did basically fuck-all’…
EA paused his sermon long enough to thank the Hares for a tremendous effort and replacing them on the ice with DIRT LOONEY, who was there as a representative of the British Commonwealth (BC). EA then regaled us with the story of 3 BC natives who came out from home and were – all on the same day, some years ago – each busted by national police authorities for attempting to smuggle hashish & marijuana while each was wearing a Pattaya Monday HASH T-shirt…..go figure! EJACKULATE from Scotland, while in Nepal; LASSIE’S RUNT, a Geordie, while in Taipei; and a 3rd idiot (HHH name not provided), while in Australia. The thick of the tale was 1) EJACKULATE serving 10 years in a Himalayan mountain prison cell that had windows with bars yet no glass; 2) LASSIE’S RUNT serving 12 years on a Taipei chain gang, where he was beaten with a stick until he learned Chinese so as to follow work orders (his mastery of Chinese language was a milestone in LR’s life, as he now supposedly earns a healthy living in Taipei as an interpreter!); and 3) the details of the incarceration in AUS remain unknown.
EA welcomed today’s lone virgin, a one ‘Barack’ (his real name!) from Nottingham, England (who was brought along by Dr. BURL IVES) before handing the Circle back to the GM.
LIBERACE is iced for becoming 71 years young (20 days more so than WANK-KING’S WANKER) and accoladed for having served as Hash Cash for 8 years. A candle-less cake appeared and he was sung off the ice (Hashy Birthday, Fuck You!) as the stoned members of the Circle wolfed down the entire sweet treat in less than a minute. FLATULENCE stank up the ice to receive his 50th PH3 Runs T shirt and WANK-KING’S WANKER took control, cake crumbs still stuck with his own (or GANGREEN’s!) spittle to the corners of his mouth. He observed that FLATULENCE, still on the ice, ‘looked sped out & fucked up’. Some other even more observant Hasher yelled from the peanut gallery ‘hey W W, look in the mirror!’! W W also announced BUM BOY (for 200 PH3 Runs) and CHIP CHIP (for 5 hared events).
GM again swaggered into the void to dole out more special T shirts to a bevy of Hashers who have ‘substantially supported the HHH club behind the scenes in going beyond the normal call of duty’: Virgin Hunter design for SHE’S THE BOSS & HAPPY SURVIVOR (* see nor below); Beer Police design for ARSE VAN HOLE & UNSTABLE LOAD; Raffle Queen design for CHIP CHIP; PH3 Roadie design (for helping VV to load & unload the beer truck every week) for BALL RINGER, GOLDEN RIVET & TWO TIME; and Hash Flash design for SPASTIC WHORE KING. Meanwhile, KNICKERLESS, iced for running her mouth as usual, fell off the ice into the below muddy stream to obtain a brown-on-black diaper stain on her spandexed rear end…..
Colorful (or color-related) Hash names were bequeathed to two iced hashers via the GM ’by the power in him vested’: Frenchman Eric LeRoy, having worked his career with French auto makers (Citroen & Renault), was considered for a moment to earn a name related to the famous sports car designer Carroll Shelby (who created the Ford Mustang & the Dodge Daytona Shelby, among other designs); this thought was nixed when Eric said to the GM, ‘Please don’t name me something stupid’…..et voila’! – Monsieur ‘SOMETHING STUPID’ was christened….. Ploy Pigtails of the Taxi Belle Bar was also summarily graced with the moniker ‘PICKANINNY’ – best not let the Black Lives Matter protestors about the world get wind of this name, nor that we still sing a yet-unadulterated version of the Swing Low, Sweet Chariot Hash Hymn at Circle closing time each week!
MR. BEAN is bucketed for recidivist multiple misdemeanors and as current Wanker of the Week spoon holder. NA HEE MAN is also iced for stating that the GM was a liar (he is!) in a recent scribe report. A Circle vote verified that MR. BEAN retained the spoon and the honor of remaining as Wanker of the Week.
LORD CHICKEN FUCKER told us that he had ‘just had a short time’ in the long grass nearby….perhaps he was or wasn’t smoking grass, yet the plentiful G & T’s he imbibed prior were definitely as long as any grass around…..stumbling into the Circle, babbling about how it might have been a dog he fucked, he delivered his verbal vinegar stroke ‘when you fuck a chicken – especially when you duct-tape it first – then you know you’re there’…..? actually, the truth came out that he had eaten 10 viagras and then mounted an ostrich, into which he got stuck. She (supposing the ostrich was female – which may be quite a stretch from BoyzTown) ran off with LCF impaled into her and clinging to her neck; somehow he had disengaged with his tadger still intact and changed gears to salute EMPEROR AIRHEAD as a real Circle steward pro.
LCF fabricated further infractions and predictably iced BALL RINGER and his son BEN 10, noting that the son acted age 5, looked age 10 and was actually age 7. Birthday boy LIBERACE is iced & accused by LCF of pilfering LCF’s chair (since they are all 70+ years young, all these ancient pukes can sit in the Circle) while the latter was out on the run. SNAKE BITE (another boring old tosser from Downunder) bore witness to this theft and also seconded LCF’s observation that WANK-KING’S WANKER is looking awfully thin and may indeed have HIV…..LCF hands the Circle back to the GM in the form of a Square.
Jimmy the American, a new HHH enthusiast still learning the ropes of the HHH Circle, is iced for running his mouth in a private Circle with WANK-KING’S WANKER (really?), and DOG LICKS ITS DICK is congratulated for not getting caught up in all the American bullshit they spewed at/for each other.
Hares are iced to sing us a song, led by LCF & modeled on the 1948 Stan Jones (popularized by Johnny Cash and indeed, Burl Ives!) tune ‘Ghost Riders in the Sky’: “VV is better than the GM; Belgian pigskin, foreskin, 5 skin, hanging below his knee; Yippie ya yo, Yippie ya yey, Muff divers in the Sky; Balls across his shoulder, yes, balls full of cream, KIDNEY WIPER with ½ yard of foreskin hanging below his knee; Yippie ya yo, Yippie ya yey, Muff divers in the Sky; LIBERACE (or was it WANK-KING’S WANKER?) was found dead, with ½ yard of foreskin wrapped around his head; VV’s still the winner, accepted by the Devil and truly passed the test, even though he’s dead…..
SPERM POLLUTER entered the hallowed and-by-now very muddy Circle to first sing us ‘It’s the Final Down Down’ (from Europe’s 1986 smash hit, The Final Countdown) and then lead us in closing the Circle with the Hash Hymn. This was not the last of SP that some of us were to see & hear – specifically, those Hashers who attended the OnOnOn at the Buffalo Bar enjoyed gratis comfort food, copious cold beers and liberal doses of SP singing karaoke tunes. ‘Sweet Caroline’ (Neil Diamond) & ‘My Way’ (Frank Sinatra) come to mind, with SP inserting his own lewd lyrics ‘I stuck my finger in her pussy’……CASPAR had the night’s last word at closing time, “SPERM POLLUTER have song lyric wrong – he stick he own finger in he own asshole”!
* NOTE: I initially thought (though I try to not!) that HAPPY SURVIVOR was called Happy Surprise. In discussing this detail while preparing this report, I was corrected by HHHer ANAL COMPUNCTION, who mirthfully thought that ‘Happy Surprise’ would be a great name for a female porn star – it’s nice to see that AC’s mind is appropriately in the gutter……perhaps we should all try harder to bring female porn stars to the H3 as ‘Virgins’!?!
On-On! Na Hee Man