PH3 Run 1893 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Na Hee Man
Quicksand. Yes. It all began today with quicksand, or a treatise on it as we rode the baht bus toward the A site. FUCK OFF was dithering on about how he had got stuck in a quagmire while haring today’s HHH event with SHE’S THE BOSS. FUCK OFF: ‘I sank into the sand up to my knee, and couldn’t get my foot free and became afraid of losing my shoe and perhaps my life if I had kept sinking.
WANK-KING’S WANKER chimed in with verve: ‘Aw dawg, you’ve been watching too many old Western movies and episodes of Paladin starring Richard Boone. No one ever dies in quicksand, that only happens on film, not in real life. What you’ve got to do is pull your leg out and reach down into the hole and grab your lost shoe – kind of like a dog that sticks his head in a hole and assumes no one can see him; you see, it’s all about Porosity – a measure of void space - the fraction of volume of voids over total volume…...’ Void space, fractions, porosity – all this horseshit is right up WKW’s alley, and he wonders about being impugned in scribe reports! WKW continued: ‘Hey FUCK OFF, you must have felt and looked like a real asshole in your sand-grip-trap. Luckily you’re not really a real asshole (like me!) in life!’
The 1st Circle – the GM grabbed his disciplinary water pistol and found no claimant to a neck gaiter that was found on trail that had been used as an asswipe. HARD ON was iced for being a pisshead and for violating HHH rule #6 by appearing, after a recent significant all-night bender, on a facebook foto feed with his bald head and face covered with lipstick kisses and smears; this did not besmirch HARD ON in any way, as it is rather common in his ‘headspace’ and universe. He did get SPERM POLLUTER’s pink pooftah shirt after it had been appropriately doused in the ice bucket…..
The Hares (SHE’S THE BOSS, HAPPY SURVIVOR & FUCK OFF) were iced for a run that was a total fuck up, as the paper had been laid willy-nilly in various convoluted directions to result in Hashers meeting each other on trail from opposite locations as everyone ran & walked in lost loops and circuitous circles, with TITS FOR BRAINS leading the charge on to further confusion…..SHE’S THE BOSS, now in the ice bucket, tried to apply Slavic logic to the Hares’ efforts, stating that it was a ‘Sherlock Holmes sleuth’ run and FUCK OFF was thrown in too for bleating that his GPS had gone squirrely while laying paper and that ‘technology had failed him’……a poor excuse! HAPPY SURVIVOR, the heroine of the hares, was warmly thanked (while sitting on ice!) for her excellent food fare of snacks & tasty salads.
Run Comments from the Circle:
DIRT LOONEY: ‘I was perpetually confused!’ (more on DIRT LOONEY later)
TAMPAX: ‘The Hares must have been ambidextrous, as paper was laid on both trail sides’.
GI JOE: ‘Best run I’ve done today!’
BALL RINGER: ‘I got lost. A lovely trail, But……’.
FLEECE LIFTER: ‘We ran around in circles…..’
GM: ‘Lay the trail, or die’ (a threat, a warning, a promise!?)
The raffle featured 2 mystery prizes, gift wrapped in colorful plastic. The Pooying Thai Association, who all adore and could be said to worship the raffle, only won thrice today: KNICKERLESS, a victor in the last 10 raffles, was a double winner; PAT POM walked off with a rubberized-yoga-stretch band (with which she can tie up SNAKE BITE!), and TITS FOR BRAINS was iced for winning the last prize. The other multiple winner was SOUR KRAUT BONE COLLECTOR, who won thrice and opted to take only one prize – Wizard or Idiot? Well, we already have one Wizard (perhaps more than enough already!)…..
EMPEROR AIRHEAD iced the Hares and beseeched them to ‘Get Comfortable’ as such. He correctly observed that the prevailing feeling on today’s run/walk was ‘confusing’ and again thanked HAPPY SURVIVOR for ‘shopping & cooking’ for the Hash horde while the other two Hares were out ‘fucking up the trail with fucked-up technology and fuck-all know how!’.
EA iced the GM for ‘flouting his own rules’, which had something to do with his/a 200th run…..EA continued: ’the GM didn’t know much about life or people until the PH3 molded him.’ The iced GM then shared his 1st Hash run memories, when he got lost and arrived to the Circle after dark in a local’s pick up truck…..he wasn’t then deterred, and remains so (perhaps to the chagrin of some!).
EA then iced our PH3 ‘Beer Truck Hero’, V.V., for being precisely just that. EA heaped praise on the bohemian Belgian: ‘He’s like our little French mother, feeding us baguettes, combing his hair and laying runs as a great Hare too!’ To honor the occasion, V.V. was presented with a genuine facsimile plastic chef’s apron in hue of fire-engine-red. Les from Hungary via Bristol was ‘yearning for the bucket’, and EA obliged him for a lengthy stay while involving the Circle in his naming process. He being invited ‘to relax for a long time’, it started with some Cockney English rhyming slang (Nice Bristols = Big Tits!) and ended with his christening as FESTERING FISH FACE. Of most importance to the PH3 is FFF’s DeFacto Bar on Soi Pothole/Chayapoom, where rumor has it that anyone wearing a PH3 shirt gets a free drink!
FOWL FUCKER was recognized for today returning to PH3 after a 20-year absence, and EA had LORD CHICKEN FUCKER join FF on the ice for a walk down their joint, long-term memory lane. It all apparently commenced some nearly 30 years ago when these-then-young studs met down BoyzTown and became known as the ‘Malibu Boys’. They together laid untold numbers of Hash runs (and who knows whom or what else!?) over the decades to now cower, wizened, wrinkled & grey, as relics/fossils shaking with cold and fear on the PH3 ice…..
EA’s last skit was to recall the ‘ice block spinning’ contests of yesteryear, which were held in the Circle in Male, Female and Mixed Divisions. The memorable vanquishers from those days were EWOK and TADPOLE…..who were noted for this said skill set.
LCF boasted that today marked his 29th anniversary on the PH3 and told us in verse of seven Belly Betty, who had a motorcycle helmet with 7 chin straps…..the GM then drenched WKW with the water pistol for running his trap in private peripheral Circles.
Wanker of the Week went to KNICKERLESS, who, as we remember, has won a prize or prizes for 10 consecutive weeks…..imagine the odds of achieving that – PH3 members reckon it’s rigged! All Slovenians were iced to congratulate them on winning this year’s 2020 Tour de France (Gold & Silver podium places!)…..quite a feat for a country of 2 million people. FUCK OFF was chucked in the bucket for boasting that he knew another Slovenian, Melania Trump, and that he had dined with her once in Detroit!
WKW was iced, as unabashed as ever, for continuing to blab out of turn and told us, “I’m kind of like a cunt!” (Really?!). SPERM POLLUTER then brought in his wife’s Thai friend, Porn(Star) and we all sang, “She’s a little flat-chested, but she’s all right!”
Hash music was a ditty from the Scarborough HHH in Yorkshire (Scarborough? I know Scarborough! It’s a fookin’ shit ‘ole!): ‘You can be gay today’….As such, SPERM POLLUTER led all in singing ‘The final down-down’ and burst forth into the Hash Hymn to close the Circle.
The OnOnOn at iRovers Sports Bar featured excellent Bolognese pasta casserole in heaping quantities with buckets upon buckets of ice-cold discounted beers.
Let us not forget DIRT LOONEY’s wise truism at the bar: “I’m continually working on becoming a perfect asshole!”.
On-On! Na Hee Man