PH3 Run 1906 Scribe
Show Scribe Report by Na Hee Man
The Christmas Event
Hares: The GM (Wizard), Sperm Polluter, GI Joe, Paprika Smiley, Dirt Looney
The hares were colorfully coordinated in various states & shades of Christmas red in honor of the current happy holiday season. As usual, the pre-run circle found new shoes (one being the sole virgin) drinking from his/her footwear and doing their best not to ‘taste the smell’, with Dirt Looney describing the minutiae (in painstakingly accurate, OCD detail) of trail markings, red checks, blue & white back checks, Run and Walk splits, ad nauseum….. Really Sadistic Bastard invited any & all lazy and/or infirm pricks/cunts to join him: “If you’re up for a bit of holiday cheer, come with the Hunters and have cold beer(s)!”
Off into the jungle we plunged under sunny blue skies and fortunate to have perfect weather for exercise – a tad cooler than normal. The hares succeeded in one sense, with most of the running & walking pack returning to the A-site in about an hour. The hares’ (already on ice) further success was accoladed in the circle, with roars of approval for Paprika Smiley in sponsoring today’s savory sausages as a rich cunt; GI Joe for sponsoring the tasty and dangerous ‘Glogg Wine’; and Sperm Polluter & Dirt Looney for laying the trails. The GM also praised himself as the ‘lead hare’, yet no one could figure out what his actual haring contribution (aside from bombastic delegating) was…..V.V. was also iced and thanked for his barbeque talents, as was Scar W2T's for concocting the mulled wine via a supposedly secret Scandinavian recipe from Viking lore…..
Santa then arrived in the circle with presents for all the HHH ladies, who all stood obediently in line to receive their wrapped gift boxes, all helping Father Christmas to ‘empty his sack’! The last lady in line, Dame Liberace, was turned away due ‘gender confusion issues’…..
Hash Crash award recipients were Happy Survivor, Snakebite and a new/visiting HHHer whose name escaped me…..they all endured ‘shit house slips’ and ‘ass over tit’ tumbles in the shiggy and along the rutted sport park motorbike/mountain bike trails where went the run & walk. Xmas cheer is in order, and, speaking of bikes, here’s an excerpt from Kevin Bloody Wilson’s ‘Hey Santa Claus’…..’Hey Santa Claus you cunt, where’s me fuckin’ bike? I’ve unwrapped all this other junk and there’s nothing that I like. I wrote you a fuckin’ letter and I come to see you twice. You worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fuckin’ bike. Hey Santa Claus you cunt, where’s me fuckin’ pram? You promised me you’d saved me one, you remember who I am. ‘Cause I’m the little girl what you made sit right on your hand. I’ll give you fuckin’ ho-ho-ho, you forgot me fuckin’ pram. Next time I come to see ya, I’m gonna punch you in the guts. And I’ll let your fuckin’ reindeer loose and kick Rudolf in the nuts. You just wait ‘til next year when you get back to that store and me and me little sister come stomping through the door and we’ll say, yeah, you wait for it ‘Hey Mums and Dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes and don’t listen to him boys & girls ‘cause he tells fuckin’ lies. He’s just a piss tank and a pervert, and he’s not even very bright ‘cause the old fuckin’ wanker, forgot me fuckin’ bike. Fuckin’ dob you in you old cunt. Tell me old man on you, he’ll punch your fuckin’ lights out I saw Mommy sucking Santa Claus…..
Hash Trash took form as Knickerless iced Phantom for losing his PDRH3 wings cap at last week’s event; GI Joe & Dirt Looney also had lost caps returned in like manner, and they were similarly rebuked by our illustrious, megalomaniacal GM – all were garbed with appropriate head-wear to distinguish their (possibly drunken) forgetfulness.
Scar W2T's took the circle and immediately ‘tightened it up’ so that all were well within earshot of his stentorian if not sonorous voice. His main objective, after icing all 5 hares, was to ensure silence in the circle, with numerous supernumeraries being iced and bucketed in the process of shutting respective mouths. Elicited run reports included these quips from Jackal (who miraculously didn’t fall down today!) – ‘Excellent!’; Ball Ringer – ‘Loved it, lost again!’; She’s The Boss – ‘good sticks’; Dell Boy – ‘I was in the sticks!.....
The GM with Ben 10’s help ran today’s raffle. Lots of nice bottled booze selections – Sour Kraut Bone Collector won multiple times and Dog Licks Its Dick was twice iced for getting his numbers crossed as a false winner.
Sperm Polluter iced Don’t Squeeze My Balls along with his date, who was the sole virgin today, for yakking in the circle. SP then iced Gangreen for the same infraction and, by default, iced all Phuket HHHers, including Na Hee Man and his own dumb-ass self…..the GM again took charge to present Two Time with two birthday cakes; ‘Hashy B-day, Fuck You’ and she was iced for being V.V.’s partner after he admitted that she was 100 years younger than him. Seal Sucker was then iced for saying “Two Time wants a ring , not 2 fucking cakes!”. SS had a prolonged icy visit, as he had forgotten the Wanker of the Week Spoon and hence was awarded it yet again this week…..his obsequious, politically-calculated brown nosing move of gifting the hares (including the GM) a bottle of gin prior to the run backfired, as he was not exonerated from being Wanker of the Week, a designation that perfectly suits him.
Spastic Whore King was honored with a Hash Hero award (a golden painted plastic chain), having achieved 50 runs, served at several events as Hash Flash, volunteered consistently as a hare, and archived historical trail maps on Google Earth for future reference/use. Unstable Load was also iced for behaving as a 5 year old (which comes naturally to him), in dobbing his Belgian HHH mates in for frequent ice time…..
Scar W2T's retook charge and bucketed I Can’t Read, telling him that he might be called I Can’t Listen, for he was sitting in the circle as a non-ex GM & not-yet-septuagenarian. SW2T's also beseeched us to ‘preserve our HHH traditions’ and iced the GM for ‘perhaps going overboard in not wearing an HHH shirt in the 1st circle. The mystery HHHer ‘Stephen’ was also iced for obscuring his Hash garb with a wind breaker. Lucan Made Me Cum and Ball Ringer, both wearing Xmas red kimono-style robes (designed some years ago by the late great HHHH legend Lord Lucan) with ‘size doesn’t matter’ embroidered on the sleeve, were iced because SW2T's agreed that ‘size apparently does matter’ when witnessing LMMC’s big fat gut hanging out of a Xmas red kimono! We all drank to Lord Lucan at the Big On On in the Sky and SW2T's brought a fairly new hasher, Bite Marks On My Bollocks, to the ice and asked him his story; BMOMB didn’t have one…..
Lord Chicken Fucker, dressed as an Armenian cardinal in ecclesiastical red & white, sang in the Xmas spirit with: Merry Syphilis and Happy Gonorrhea; She seemed sober, I was fine, ‘tis the season to be greedy, so that we can remain sleazy; in the morning, you’ll be sorry, for someone stuffed it up the roof of my ass! LCF may have been referring to all the turkeys that get slaughtered, de-feathered, stuffed and cooked during the holiday season – he mentioned this and said he, as a turkey slaughterer, did indeed feel as if he were a religious person – looking the part, indeed! He then iced the hares and verified that Santa had fucked off today from the HHH circle to descend down into the chimneys of young boys’ homes, especially those employed down Boyztown. He also lent verbal support to the idea of having a Father Xmas who chases young girls instead of young boys. He then declared (without evidence) that Dame Liberace was ‘Just a big, old poof’ and asked him ‘which way he went’? LCF then told us the Beer Hunters today were definitely all gay……
The GM bucketed Knickerless for having a big mouth, and LCF opined ‘the little old man in the boat is quivering a bit now’! Hash music took a drunken start with a spoof on ‘Hark the Herald Angel Sing’ – On Xmas morn: Dirt Looney is OCD; GI Joe is miles off; Sperm Polluter is getting head from a katoy……On Xmas day: Paprika Smiley sponsored a barbeque; GM was an FRB (not true!); Seal Sucker broke a check (also not true!); Jackal wiped out, as usual (also remarkable yet not true!); Flatulence to soon fuck off to get married (true!)…..
More boozy singing of the 12 days of Xmas: 2 new shoes, 3 back checks, 5 ice cold beers (down downs)……the rest was either slurred to unintelligibility or forgotten by yours truly. The 5 ice cold beers were featured in The Final Down Down and simultaneously quaffed by Scar W2T's, GI Joe, Paprika Smiley, Sperm Polluter & Dirt Looney.
The Hash Hymn closed the circle and just in the (St.) Nick of time (555!), for the darkness brought more chilly airs onto the bundled-up, shivering horde as we boarded the buses and headed to the OnOnOn at Hustlers, featuring live folk music, discounted beer buckets and free comfort food…..
Quote of the day is from Dame Liberace, as he stood in line at the BBQ station when Two Time and V.V. served him up: “That pork sausage on the grill…..it looks just like my dick”…..!
Many thanks to Dr. Burl Ives, fellow HHHer and Scribe, who kept me plied with ice cold beers in succession as I served in the Scribe’s chair to notate the above Holiday verbiage and the behaviors from which it derived.
All that now remains is to say, “Happy Christmas, You Cunts and to All a Good Night!”!
On-On! Na Hee Man