For some peculiar reason his (no longer) hugeness Sir Free Willy sought to ingratiate himself by selecting me to be this week’s scribe, an honour with which I could have done without. He then rubbed salt into the wound by claiming in his scribe FRB stands for Fat Robbing Bastard. While I admit that a UK diet of bacon sandwiches and cheese sandwiches may have contributed to the addition of a pound or two SFW of all people should be aware of the sensitivity of others regarding their girth.
Our hares the Men. Disorders must have influence with the deity for the thunder and rain of the morning gave way to a fine dry afternoon. The GM Wan-Kings Wanker called us to order and introduced the three virgin harriets who looked young enough to deserve all meanings of the description and were truly a sight to behold which murmurings among the assembled hashers confirmed. I am no sycophant but I must give full credit to our GM for this delight. Apparently Sexy Bum produced them in response to his request for more young virgin harriets. Well done both of you and double credit to WW for modestly keeping quiet about the use of his influence. We all await with baited breath the next outcome of this collaboration.
The hares gave a succinct explanation of the run. It would be 7.5K with checks in red and FTs and back checks in blue. To assist the bone idle after 2.5K there would be a large blue W to remind them that, had they not already done, so it was time to turn around and retrace their steps to the A site. Why do we continue to be so good to these people? The checks worked very well on the first part of the run keeping us closely packed. Doesn’t it feel good when you hear the FRBs panting furiously as they try to catch up? After the morning’s rain large puddles abounded and these provided an insight into why Cabbage Head and GI Joe feature so prominently in our runs. While everyone else picked their way cautiously around the puddles these two tore straight through the water like dogs after a bitch in season, spraying us all in the process. I noticed that Seal Sucker got sucked into the false trails liked the rest of us despite claiming he had not really been fooled as he could remember our first run in the area, presided over by Sir Spag Head and ET as I recall.
Some of you will have noticed that I always try to do the full course and run as much of it as my ancient bones will allow. Competitive in mind only I cannot spare time on idle chatter on the way round but take note of those nearby. For example today when I saw Ying Grad-dye (Rabbit Shooter to you peasants) I knew either that I was doing a little better than usual or he had f*cked up badly. I had to admire Lady Ga Ga another solitary hasher on the full course who struggled on in the heat wearing three or four times as many clothes as we farangs in determination not to allow her beautiful skin change to a slightly darker brown that English women would die for. She acquited herself well, as always.
Now I may be a little over sensitive but I sometimes feel certain hashers try to taunt me in my struggle to become an FRB. Peler is one such person. Does he not realise how humiliating it is to be constantly overtaken by a man walking faster than I can run? I thought I’d beaten him today as he was nowhere to be seen but apparently in his zeal to beat me he inflicted serious damage on himself during the week when training in the gym. Best wishes for your recovery Peler. Of similar ilk is Stinky Sloppy Seconds, another big man who walks as though he thinks he is an express train. Try as I might to get in front of him, like Peler he somehow manages to reappear in front of me time and again. I regret to tell you, fellow hashers, I fear theses two dastardly, taunting walkers seem to have been joined by yet another. Towards the end of the run, as I was going up hill and no spare breath for talk Necrophilic Night Rider walked past patronisingly saying he thought I was doing better than usual and then adding how the hash had improved his sex life. Too much information! After he disappeared into the distance I saw no more of him before the finish.
In the closing circle the GM put the hares on ice when the run was discussed briefly. Seal Sucker while enjoying most of it felt it deteriorated towards the end. Sour grapes! I was nearby at the time. SS fell for a clever ploy from our hares that gave us an opportunity to regroup. ET was effusive in his praise for the run but I think that was because, being familiar with the area, he managed to complete the course without getting lost.
Is there anything our hero GI Joe won’t do for the benefit of the hash? Not only did he have to wash and change himself today because he unselfishly allowed Squeeze my Tube to do the raffle but he then went on to substitute for Bottomless Pit when the draw was made. Winners included Bow Wow, General Kidney Wiper, Steptoe, Wan-Kings Wanker, Honey Bear, Ball Ringer and SFW.
Never let it be said that the Monday Hash is not consistent. The beer truck by a lick of paint has been transformed into a sacred cow. Last week a certain Kiwi had his shirt thrown into the bucket for allowing it to come into contact with our truck. Ignorance of the change did not permit visitor Chicken Hunter toescape for putting his bag on the truck, as was the custom when he last visited us. Our GM made sure he was iced for the crime. The recently returned Sheik Me Me ably substituted for Emperor Airhead and iced Pisspole Dancer and Sir Ass Hopper for being drinking Norwegians on election day. Apparently he has the right do this as he claims Norwegian blood. A Viking ancestor of his got lost and ended up in Australia instead of invading England. No wonder Sheik Me Me often looks like a lost soul on the trail. It is in the genes!
I must not be unfair. It’s good to have an RA who is capable of completing the full course. Consequently Cabbage Head was iced for splashing through puddles. Apparently he can do this because he has an understanding wife to do the washing. The Sheik then tried to find out what it must be like to be a front runner like Cabbage Head. He was clearly perplexed that his quizzing produced no response. “It’s because he’s a vegetable sir” explained our ebullient Kiwi coming to his rescue.
The Sheik was for some peculiar reason influenced by Free Willy’s scribe complaining about the ‘Head’ chant we have grown accustomed to over many years. He iced Joe for this but this attempt to tell us how to behave also fell on stony ground and Sheik Me Me eventually did much better by resorting to finding ingenious ways of avoiding the word. This was much more entertaining.
The hares were again iced for being hares. Me Me felt the run was a bit long but Gangrene refused to venture an opinion explaining that his one hare was the only time he had done a complete run. The consensus was that it was a very good run, back checks and all.
The virgins were then iced, their heartfelt plea of “Do we have to?” being ignored. Our young RA then sought to impress these young maidens by pointing out he wasn’t as fat as me. Try ignoring Free Willy Me Me, you will only be able to compete with an older man in the fullness of time!
Awards were made Sir Dog, Bow Wow and Snoopy being called in for Snoopy’s 400 runs. Mental Disorder for 50 runs in a year and Menstrual Disorder for 10 hares over the same period. Well done both of you. Sexy Bum received a cap, I am guessing for 5 hares.
GI Joe, clearly disgruntled by the lack of his usual female attention iced excessiveness. Cabbage Head for being too short, Frequent Streaker for too much hair (he put his finger in the socket exclaimed one), Seal Sucker for being to much like Jellobut and being too lazy and Shit my Pants for too much effluence.
Seal Sucker retaliated by icing the Aussies for being Aussies, those wearing Veteran Run shirts because he had to admit he was the beneficiary of kindness from Really Sadistic Bastard who had lent him his new Veteran Run shirt, the Yanks for being inferior to Kiwis and ET( several times) for making a thorough nuisance of himself instead of getting your scribe a drink. Steptoe helped the hares out at the last minute with an entertaining song about what we’d all like to do to antipodeans “Build a bonfire……” before the returners led us all in the closing hymn.
Good luck to Honey Bear who will be your scribe next week On On
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week = 59
42 Hashers who were Hashing the previous week
427 BALL RINGER; 489 BOW WOW; 162 CABBAGE HEAD; CABBAGE QUEEN; 183 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 2 DRIPPING HELMET; 304 EXTRA TESTICLE; 464 G.I. JOE; 120 GANGREEN; 615 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 89 HONEY BEAR; 518 LADY FLIPPER; 24 LADY GAGA; 160 LIBERACE; 19 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 298 LONE WOLF; 43 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 50 MENTAL DISORDER; 526 MIDNIGHT STAR; 569 MRS. HEAD; 27 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 228 PELER; 248 PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER; 45 POCAHONTAS; 67 RABBIT SHOOTER; 134 ROBBING BASTARD; 49 RUNNING BARE; 153 SEAL SUCKER; 140 SHEIK MEME; 9 SHIT MY PANTS; 648 SIR ARSE HOPPER; 541 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 641 SIR DOG; 538 SIR FREE WILLY; 544 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 711 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 400 SNOOPY; 288 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 249 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 246 SWEETIE; 645 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 143 WANK-KING’S WANKER
109 BENGT POTATO; 52 CHICKEN HUNTER; 32 FREQUENT STREAKER; 37 LITTLE WHITE DOVE; 16 MASHED POTATO; 152 PISSED POLE DANCER; 24 PUSSY WHIPPED; 44 RASPUTIN; 25 SEXY BUM; 107 STEPTOE
4 Visitors with their Total Runs and Mother Hash
2 BIGGUS DICKUS — Den Hagg, Holland
22 BULLTRACK — Korea Hash
1 Supatra Haussranoi — Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
7 COMES WITH PRESURE — Pattaya Jungle Irregular Lunar Hash, Thailand
MENSTRUAL DISORDER — Hared 10 runs
SEXY BUM — Hared 05 Hat
SNOOPY — 400th Run
MENTAL DISORDER — 050th Run