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Scribe Report by General Kidney Wiper
“I am dying!”
No, not literally, but figuratively. “Why?” Because I have a lousy cold and feel like shit. I was not going to go on the Hash yesterday, but I had promised to be scribe the week before. As so often happens, people promise to be scribe, then simply do not turn up the next week.
So no shirking here.
“But hey! I am not the only one that thinks I am dying, or even worse, actually dead.” Last week I received a letter from the Department of Finance for the State of Delaware. Seemingly I have not responded to attempted contacts from the company over there that is holding some assets for me. It is seemingly the law, in the USA, that unclaimed assets go to the government.
They wanted to know if I was Dead or Alive! Also I had to prove if I was alive, and if I was dead, my next of kin has to have all sorts of paperwork notarised. Okay, enough of that. Back to the run.
The A-site was the Chinese Cemetery. As I arrived the hares were looking for a new location. Seemingly, the Chinese custodian caretaker said we could use the site, but no alcohol allowed. Not in this lifetime baby. The hares solved the problem by moving us one hundred metres up the road. This new location was a bit closer to the road, but was ideal considering it was a quick fix.
The hares today were SIR DOG, LADY BOW-WOW, SNOOPY, MENTAL and MENSTRUAL DISORDER. The GM, SCAR W/2TS called the circle together and dealt with new shoes. The hares then took over. Told us about the run, and then seventy seven hashers were off.
I took an alternative walkers’ trail with SSH, SRSB, W-KW, WMW, during which we talked about and solved the problems of the world. Maybe some of these World Leaders should sit in on one of these Chang sessions and see how easy it is!!! When we arrived back at the circle after about forty minutes, some of the front runners had arrived already.
After a suitable cooling down period, during which thirsts were slaked and munches were fixed, thanks to VV’s sandwich box, the GM started the proceedings. It was decreed to be a good run. Flat, but not too long due to the extreme heat we are experiencing at the moment. Sunday was the hottest day so far, this year, with the mercury reaching 41°C.
Time for the raffle with SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT. Winners were HIV, BARNACLE BOLLOX, GKW, SNOOPY and BELL STAR. Then time for some Religion with our RA, EMPEROR AIRHEAD, who promptly iced the Hares. He asked SNOOPY, if this was the first time she had sat on the ice. It was, on the Hash. But at home, seemingly Daddy uses this method on her for dog training. Once again it was deemed a good run, except by one individual who gave it the accolade of being “MAGNIFICENT!” You do not hear that too often. Well done hares.
RATSO EEL-SNIFFER was next for the burgundy buttock ice treatment for being Hash Crash. His truck ran into a parked truck and a fat man, his wife and daughter beat up Ratso. He also had to pay 10,000 baht. It is not over until the Fat Man (or Lady) is singing.
MENTAL DISORDER has been trying to sort out paperwork for MENSTRUAL DISORDER. Seems he is a pedophile of sorts, as the legal age in the Philippines is twenty five. I STRANGLED MY PENIS and ROCK ‘N’ ROLL PROSTITUTE in the bucket. They are young, discovering all the joys of Pattaya and just loving it. I remember when I used to be like that. Well not really, as I cannot remember so much, due to that encroaching Alka-Seltzer’s Disease.
WANK-KING’S WANKER then takes over the circle with some stats. TINY ANAL TORPEDO – 100 Runs. Well done. Another notable fact. Our GM SCAR W/2TS is a leaver and heading back to the cooler temperate of Scandi-Hooligan Land. Well done for the work he has done for the Hash and we hope he comes back soon, rested and reinvigorated.
Seemingly GANGREEN’s photos on the Hash Web page had extremely excessive hits last week, due to the fact that HIV NEGATIVE showed a lot of skin, when on the ice. Keep it up or as they say, keep them down!
BARNACLE BOLLOX then takes the circle and tells us an anecdote about how he and BABY WIPES, who were on their motorbikes, got caught up in a police convoy that was escorting one of the Thai Princesses. They made it way down as far as the Ambassador Hotel, before they were pulled over by the police. An initial request to pay 40,000 baht was reduced, so they only had to pay 12,000 baht each. Amazing Thailand indeed. While BARNACLE BOLLOX still had the circle, he then serenaded us with a rendition of “I Love My Mother-in-Law.”
SCAR W/2TS uses his buttock breaking ice power and brings in the old wankers of SIR SPAG, SIR RSB, GKW, WANK-KING’S WANKER and WEE MOANING WEASEL. This bunch was guilty of going on an alternative trail each week. Although, the pain of sitting on the ice was temporary tempered, by having a young girl sit on our laps. I hope I do not have too much of a shit eating grin, in the photos, with ROCK ‘N’ ROLL PROSTITUTE sitting on my lap.
CABBAGE HEAD then took over the circle as the bad RA and we had some bare buttock flesh in the guise of TURD BURGLAR, JACKAL, GASMAN and FINGERLESS. Why? I can’t remember, but in my undecipherable notes it says “Weirdo’s,” which is probably good enough.
JELLO BUTT iced for running too fast, and BARNACLE BOLLOX iced for leading CABBAGE HEAD astray, but I do not know if that was from the night before, on the run, or both.
Seemingly, there were no hares for the run on the 12th May and SIR FREE WILLY and ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA once again stood up to the plate to bat.
The Hares then sat on the ice, as they had no song and CABBAGE HEAD belted out an old Kink’s favourite “Dedicated Follower of Fashion” which had most of the old timers singing along.
There was a lot more that happened, I know, but have not got a clue. Sorry if I did not mention you. Happy Hour was at the M-Club. I did not go, but I am sure that as usual they would have looked after us well.
I hope the other 77 runners had as good a time as I had today. Another great Hash.
Now if anybody from the State of Delaware in the Department of Finance, has read this Hash sheet. Could you please take it that I am still alive (but not well) and inform the necessary authorities to give me back my assets.
ON-ON ! General Kidney Wiper
Next week’s scribe is SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD
—– STATS REPORT —–
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week – 74
Hashers Present Last Week – 43
132 ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA; 9 ATOMIC MUFF DIVER; 458 BALL RINGER; 283 BELL END; 21 BEN 10; 129 BENGT POTATO; 184 CABBAGE HEAD; 286 CABBAGE QUEEN; 55 CHICKEN HUNTER; 213 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 1261 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 41 FINGERLESS; 153 GANGREEN; 11 GAS MAN; 642 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 2 HIV NEGATIVE; 23 HUMUNGOUSLY INFECTED VAGINA; 8 I’M A FUCKING CUPCAKE; 509 LADY BOW WOW; 549 LADY FLIPPER; 192 LIBERACE; 49 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 69 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 81 MENTAL DISORDER; 602 MRS. HEAD; 14 POL DANCER; 76 RABBIT SHOOTER; 184 SCAR WITH TWO T’S; 567 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 557 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 662 SIR DOG; 569 SIR FREE WILLY; 577 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 741 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 419 SNOOPY; 3 SUBNORMAL; 279 SWEETIE; 163 TRY-A-FUCK; 161 TURD BURGLAR; 41 VASELINE THIGHS; 676 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 176 WANK-KING’S WANKER; 95 WEE MOANING WEASEL
Returners – 16
149 BARNACLE BOLLOX; 18 BELL STAR; 126 BLACK HOLE; 35 CIA; 254 EMPTY SPERMBANK; 58 FISH FUCKER; 103 HONEY BEAR; 71 HULK; 136 JACKAL; 142 JELLO BUTT; 289 KARAMBA; 48 LADY GAGA; 79 MUD CRACKER; 249 PELER; 127 RATSO-EEL-SNIFFER; 101 TINY ANAL TORPEDO
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 13
4 BLEACHY – Angeles City Hash, Philippines
1 Paul Murdoch – Cebu City H3, Philippines
13 SLUG – Gladstone Hash, Australia
2 HALF WAY – Hamersley Hash, Australia
1 SHIT SCRAPER – Hamersley Hash, Australia
1 BARBED WIRE – Ko Samui Hash, Thailand
25 BULLTRACK – Korea Hash
17 CRYSTAL – Mackay Hash, Australia
6 I STRANGLED MY PENIS – Odense-Nyborg Hash, Denmark
5 ROCK’N’ROLL PROSTITUTE – Odense-Nyborg Hash, Denmark
25 MUD’S CRACKER – Pattaya Bush Hash, Thailand
1 YOGINI – Subic Bay Hash, Philippines
1 FROZEN FUCKER – Unknown Mother Hash
BIMBO is now a PH3 member having accumulated 25 PH3 runs this month.
BULLTRACK is now a PH3 member having accumulated 25 PH3 runs this month.
MUD’S CRACKER is now a PH3 member having accumulated 25 PH3 runs this month.
Virgins – 2
Leavers – 5
SCAR WITH TWO T’S
WEE MOANING WEASEL
Anniversaries – 1
TINY ANAL TORPEDO was congratulated on completion of his 100th Run
Hash Names – 0 Events
~ none this week ~
Sinners – 2 Events
RATSO-EEL-SNIFFER – Hash Crash – Ran down Thai family, who then beat him up – Cost: 10,000 Baht
WANKING – Hash Crash – removed
~ none this week ~