Scribe Report by Sir Free Willy
“The God of War hates those who hesitate.” (Euripides, 480-406 BC)
“Si vis pacem, para bellum” (“If you want peace, prepare for war!”) (Flavius Vegetius Renatus, ca 390 AD)
“I cannot surrender. I am in command of Australians who would cut my throat if I did.” (Colonel C. Hore, Elands River, South Africa 1900, English Officer)
“Surrender? Don’t be bloody silly, we’re Australian.” (H. G. Moor, 1901, Australian Soldier at Brakfontein Drift while outnumbered 6-1)
‘Goodday Cobbers’..It’s your old bastard FREE WILLY (I will drop the Sir so as to be a true bonzer ocker for this diatribe) reporting to all you possums on the 15th annual Aussie Run for the PH3.
The unwashed had previously been reminded that the “Summer GM ” WANK-KING’S WANKER had informed the interested that this years Aussie Run theme was quite different to other years and this would result in a much changed and unusually inventive circle.
Early in attendance as always were this years Hares consisting of four Aussies – KATOY ANAL MASTURBATOR, PISS POORER, CAPTAIN KANGAROO and LONE WOLF, and a Kiwi, RUBBER DICK plus of course a Norweigan, ICE BUTT BUNNY…?????…Maybe his inclusion was to signify the now diverse set of cultures populating the Antipodes.
Sign-ups completed after the multitude eventually all found the same A-Site they have visited for the previous fourteen years and after the circle called we did not have the usual pre-run religious observations of new shoes, etc.
Circle handed over straight away to LONE WOLF who explained this year’s theme to be the ANZAC‘s or Australian and New Zealand Army Corps who volunteered to fight in the First World War from 1914 onwards.
“The Last Post” was played in full followed by a respectful one minute silence observed in memory of those who lost their lives fighting for the mother country, England. “The Last Post” actually originated with British troops stationed in The Netherlands, where it drew on an older Dutch custom, called taptoe, from which comes the term Tattoo as in Military tattoo, and also the term Taps. The taptoe was also used to signal the end of the day. Taptoe originated signalling the moment that beer taps had to be shut, hence that the day had ended. It comes from the Dutch phrase Doe den tap toe, meaning “Close the tap”.
In Australia and New Zealand, “The Last Post” it is always played on ANZAC Day usually before the two-minute silence, which concludes with “The Rouse”.
LONE WOLF recited the ANZAC Day Ode and rounded off with the ever “Lest We Forget”……….and indeed lest we………and it is back to normality for a couple of hours.
The Hares had assured us that despite fifteen years of their and twenty other hash’s usage of the Queen Sirikit National Park they had carved out a new and exciting run so maybe they have been adhering to their own Australian National motto “If it moves, shoot it,if it doesn’t chop it down.”
I took their word for it and as I had not fully recovered from the Pattaya Marathon the day before I completed a couple of kilometres coming in just as the usual suspects, MARATHON MAN, SPERM POLLUTER to name but one came back.
All returning runners were rewarded with a small goodie bag of ANZAC biscuits and the ever Aussie Run present beer mats which must take the hares twelve months to filch from the ale houses of Sydney.
As usual on this grand affair we are treated to an Aussie style barbeque complete with 25 kilos of sausages… Pork, unfortunately, but I am never one to mither when the tucker is for nix. Oh yes I will… Where was the Bundaberg rum this year guys.?. All agreed upon questioning by agent SFW that is was a suitable run for the occasion.
Only three runners missing so search parties for dispatched for the lost soles (Geddit Blue….Soles.!!!) but to no avail.
Circle called and the Hares are duly iced and as expected the day was judged the usual success.
Raffle time and the usual Australian contribution of bar mats and t-shirts saves the circle opener of being the worst yet..Can’t the 20 Baht store lock its back doors more securely.?.
The PH3 own version of Tacitus, EMPEROR AIRHEAD enters the arena to praise the assembled cold bummed hares and praise ANZAC military history.
First concern however, is the appalling solitary black and red HHH sign at the entrance to the A-Site which confused many regulars and newcomers alike. Australians could navigate their way to the Turkish machines guns at Gallipoli but not to today’s A-Site. ..KAM is mercilessly given Hash Shit for this unspeakable and thoughtless act.
The Australians go as far back as fighting for the British in the Sudan in 1872 and indeed seemed to have spent most of their military history fighting other peoples’ wars, mainly the mother country England’s, including the Boer War, First & Second World Wars, Korea and Vietnam to name but an unhappy few.. (I bet none of you can guess who actually caused the Vietnam war in 1945.?.. You guessed it, Britain…by reneging on an agreement with the Viet Min to give Vietnam independence in exchange for helping to defeat the Japanese.. The British re-armed the defeated Japanese Army to give the country back to France thus starting the thirty year Vietnam War at a cost of four million lives including ANZAC’s.
Being other nations’ cannon fodder seems to have been their forte but remembering Hiram Warren Johnson observance “The first casualty of war is Innocence”, please remember the Golden Rule of starting a war…. Get someone else to do the actual fighting. As Phil Ochs sang “It’s Always the Old to Lead Us to the War but It’s Always the Young to Fall”.
Sir Winston Churchill was responsible for using Australian Armed Forces in the First World War but to his credit the great man did admit in his 1935 memoirs ( these days called an autobiography ) that using the ANZACS was “Maybe a mistake in retrospect”…. He did however, follow up with “It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.”, so maybe that is a comfort to the slaughtered masses.?.
SHEIK MEME takes the helm and again ices his fellow Antipodean antagonists to portray how fourteen year old Aussies and Kiwis trekked across their lands to sign-up to fight for people’s they had never met or could pronounce the names of.. (Let’s face it the First World War was caused by a Bosnian Muslim named Gavrilo Princip assassinating Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria in old Yugoslavia... Absolutely sweet FA to do with Great Britain you may argue, but as they were mixed up with various contracts to defend Belgium and the Lowlands King George V had to call on all his dominions to help him out.
Hence the history of 14 year old Australians claiming to be 18 to join the army… This is in contrast to when SHEIK MEME himself got his call-up papers.. He was 18 but tried telling the army he was 14.!!!. Good Old SHEIK MEME… It is of him I am reminded of the maxim “It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
With REAR GUNNER and CAPTAIN ‘Skippy’ KANGAROO on ice SMM prizes out the information that the Quantas Captain and Trolly Dolly respectively often fly together.. Remind me not to fly with them………. Bing-bong, “This is your Captain Skippy speaking… we will flying from the A-Site at 35,000 feet…. phew, this puff is good…… I think we should take off now… The checks are are red and orange and blue and ALLLLL sorts of colours……. The paper is like those fluffy things out there called clouds…………… After the run, REAR GUNNER will be serving dried up fruit and stale chips………….. and if the plane crashes, please go back to the last check.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remembering the aforesaid Skippy is given Hash Crash for crashing his plane while under the influence.
No PH3 Aussie Run (not to be confused of course with the rival plagiarised Aussie Copy Run with the attendant Shirt adorned with more advertising than a Google drop box) would be complete without the coin auction in aid of Care For Kids.
Knowing the first bid would not win, SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT was the first with his hand up (I should have tried that…great kudos) and with more show boating than a Sotherby’s auctioneer from KAM and at least six “Going for the last time”, HULK won the prized coin with a bid of 8000 Baht.
RSB gets a couple of minutes to ice SFW to tell the often told story why his best mate is sometimes known as One Hung Low.
BB, who claims to originate from New Zealand (I have a relative there myself but never admit to it in public) takes the circle and administers soggy posterior’s to the Hares except now for the Norwegian Hare ICE BUTT BUDDY who seems to have fled the scene…… shades of WW2.?……. and entertains with one of his inimitable jokes.
SFW ices his soon to be ‘mia noi’ SUZY WONG (it’s obvious she fancies our Scribe..only natural)…. along with SEAGULL SHIT, I’M A F–KING CUPCAKE and KAM before giving next week’s Scribe duties to BB who promises to tell “The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth… Never let the truth get in the way of a good story”, or as the Australian wit Arthur Callwell coined “Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.”
Hares on in again to give out goodie bags for the kids as they do every year. SKIPPY takes over for the last RA spot of the night and yearning for a ‘Chin Wag at the Billabong’ decides to torture SMM, G.I.JOE, SPAG HEAD and REAR GUNNER.
In keeping with the alternative theme for the Hares Song, the Hares recite the poem “The Last Parade” by ANZAC hero Andrew Barton “Banjo” Paterson on the futility of war.
Another good evening but as the remaining participants clung to the beer truck imbibing the last of the amber nectar we were still missing our three runners. Eventually all three were brought back by Pattaya‘s finest the Sawang Buriboon Medics.
Apparently our three intrepid hasher’s SHIT ON MY SHIRT, MASTER CHEF and the yet to be named Ngamta Blohn had followed the multi-coloured cycle track arrows all across the mountains eventually ending up somewhere toward the Mabprachan Lake.
“Life is no brief candle but a splendid torch made to burn ever more brightly.” (Sir Edward Dunlop)…. This has bugger all to do with the run it is simply a nice phrase as all three came safe and with little harm done, save to their pride.
The Hares and many others off to a new Happy Hour bar, the 5 Star Bar for what I will assume ‘in persona absentia’ was the usual hearty end to the day.
Another great, if different Aussie Run.
Hope you liked my description of it, but if anyone has been offended please remember the Australian muse “No one has ever gone blind… looking at the bright side of life.”
If I have forgotten anyone my apologies. Faces and fannies I never forget but names are for tombstones.
Next week’s scribe is B. B.
ON-ON ! Sir Free Willy
—– STATS REPORT —–
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week – 76
Hashers Present Last Week – 49
5 Ngamta Blohn; 5 Tananis Cherdchoo; 8 Kim Sakariassen; 6 Mutchima Sakariassen; 2 Jack Shook, jr.; 86 B. B.; 471 BALL RINGER; 294 BELL END; 32 BEN 10; 173 BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK; 189 CABBAGE HEAD; 298 CABBAGE QUEEN; 57 CAMEL HUMPER; 55 DESERT SCORPION; 87 DIRT DIGGER; 207 DOG LICKS ITS DICK; 1273 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 504 G.I. JOE; 163 GANGREEN; 115 HONEY BEAR; 78 HULK; 35 ICE BUTT BUNNY; 12 I’M A FUCKING CUPCAKE; 110 KATOY ANAL MASTURBATOR; 562 LADY FLIPPER; 205 LIBERACE; 330 LONE WOLF; 121 MARATHON MAN; 8 MASTER CHEF; 79 MENSTRUAL DISORDER; 93 MENTAL DISORDER; 615 MRS. HEAD; 64 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 55 PISS POORER; 211 REAR GUNNER; 50 SCRAPPY DOO; 150 SHEIK MEME; 8 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 78 SIMONE EBOLA; 569 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 582 SIR FREE WILLY; 590 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 753 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 324 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 290 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 43 SUZY WONG; 292 SWEETIE; 426 TADPOLE; 189 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 26
3 Thiwa Machikowa; 25 Sawn Morya; 9 Annie Nangtharach; 164 BAM BAM; 31 BLUE BUNNY; 29 CAPTAIN KANGAROO; 229 CRACK MY COCCYX; 262 EMPTY SPERMBANK; 318 EXTRA TESTICLE; 44 GOLDEN WATERFALL; 520 LADY BOW WOW; 56 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 130 PINKABOO; 34 PISSED UP MERMAID; 149 RUBBER DICK; 74 SCARLET; 95 SCOOBIE DOO; 204 SEAGULL SHIT; 21 SHOOTING STAR; 673 SIR DOG; 653 SIR FROG; 75 SMELLY BASTARD; 428 SNOOPY; 34 SPERM POLLUTER; 28 SWEET BUNNY; 15 TASTES LIKE SHIT
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 1
15 CRAPPER – La Union Hash, Philippines
Virgins – 0
~ none this week ~
Leavers – 0
~ none this week ~
Anniversaries – 0
~ rescheduled for next week – because of circle format change – Aussie Run only ~
Hash Names – 0 Events
~ none this week ~
Sinners – 2 Events
KATOY ANAL MASTURBATOR – Hash Shit – Thinking maroon on black HHH sign is the same as black on yellow.
CAPTAIN KANGAROO – Hash Crash – Destroying another Quantas aircraft to adjust his days off.
Birthdays – 0
~ none this week ~