Scribe Report by Shit My Pants
Well, another Monday and another fine day for a hash, the day started with my usual game of ‘Angry Turds’ to hopefully make sure I don’t shit myself or need to do a brown steamer on the trail. Then a spot of lunch and a trip to the Cabbage Family home before the run, CABBAGE HEAD was have having a healthy looking fruit shake, I discovered later it was half fruit and half Vodka to bring himself ‘reet roond’ after the previous days shenanigans. Nice and ‘Healthy’!!
Upon arrival at the A-Site it’s time to do a bit of sun bathing, its fookin’ hot and not a bit of shade to be found anywhere, time to circle up and let the Hares VV and PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER explain the run, all straight forward stuff so ON-ON we go.
It was a fantastic run, pretty flat for the most part and the Hares took us through some nice trails in between the trees and over some great countryside for about 9 km. As we’re running along there’s a gang of quad bikers coming the opposite way all with ‘go pro’ cameras stuck on their heads. It’s time for a check so GI JOE takes one path, MARATHON MAN goes another and I take another route, after a few minutes I can hear the call of ON ON so I’ve obviously gone the wrong way, suddenly the turtle starts to rear its ugly head , nobody’s around so no need to disappear into the bush, shorts down, crouching by the side of the muddy trail when all of a sudden the noise of the quad bikes surrounds me and as I’ve already committed to the dump there’s not much I can do. About 10 quad bikers go past me one by one having a look, now, I’m guessing that there ‘go pros’ will have an interesting bit of film of me doing a shit to make there Thailand quad biking experience all the more memorable.
Back to the A site and E.T. is having a few issues and looking a bit panicked as he has lost his keys, as it turns out he hadn’t lost them at all they were hanging around his wrist in his stubby holder. As it turns out, he wanted to find his keys to unlock his bag to get his stubby holder out – which was already hanging around his wrist. TAMPAX is having a great time strumming away on his guitar and SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT gets on the mic and starts making a noise that I guess is something like singing.
Circle time, WANK-KING’S WANKER takes the circle and immediately puts Tampax on the ice and PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER gets a nice comfy seat in the bucket which he seems to be enjoying as instead of sculling his down down, he’s happily doing a bit of wine tasting and taking his sweet time over it. Then as is tradition the Hares get an icing and everyone is in agreement that they had prepared a great run for us.
SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT’s Raffle begns; as always there are some amazing prizes and the winners include SIR FREE WILLY, GANGREEN, CABBAGE QUEEN and LINEAR ACCELERATOR. BOB SNOT HERE had a winning ticket but was so overwhelmed by the great quality of the prizes he declined taking one and just settled for a down down.
No EMPEROR AIRHEAD this week, so instead we get SHEIK MEME in his place, VV gets another icing and SIR FREE WILLY gets the bucket for talking in the circle. SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD and SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD are looking nice and relaxed sat in there camping chairs and our RA is not overly impressed with that, so he gives them another chair to sit on – the ice chair. Some more people get an icing and other stuff is going on but at around this point CABBAGE HEAD has just done a massive meaty guff about 1” from my face and him and GI JOE think this is the funniest thing in the world. BB thinks that I’ve just SHIT MY PANTS again cos of the dirty stink that floating around one half of the circle. SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT is none too impressed with CABBAGE HEAD‘s bottom burp so he fucks off to the other side of the circle where it is safe to breath.
SIR FREE WILLY takes the circle and puts a few none English hashers on the ice who like to take to take the piss out of the English nations sporting prowess of late. However for those that didn’t know, England has just won the Rugby World Cup, all be it the ‘Women’s’ Rugby World Cup and 3 members of the Women’s team made an entrance to the circle in the form of BALL RINGER, CABBAGE HEAD and myself complete with plastic tits and wigs to give a demonstration of our Rugby expertise. CABBAGE HEAD basically pummels me to the ground and in the process my flip flop has a blow out.
Our GM WANK-KING’S WANKER announces the enforcement of the no beer until the first F.R.B. is back and cuts the tape on the Beer coolers. CABBAGE QUEEN is awarded her 300 runs/ sign ups and PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER is awarded his 5 Hared runs.
As your Scribe it’s my turn to take the circle and of course I’m going to put CABBAGE HEAD on ice. I’ve got a fair few stories I could tell about him, but after farting in my face and fucking up my flip flops this evening he gets a good bucketing. G.I. JOE gets to join him and the ‘chuckle brothers’ enjoy there down downs. I’m well and truly boozed by now and it’s time to pick the Scribe for next week – CABBAGE HEAD gets another bucketing and SHEIK MEME joins him, B.B., LINEAR ACCELERATOR, GANGREEN, and BOB SNOT HERE get a seat on the ice. Now I probably should have put a bit more effort into my decision making of next week’s Scribe – basically we need a ‘nice guy’ to do it as its LADY FLIPPER’S Birthday Run. There are no ‘nice guys’ on the Hash, we’re all horrible bastards, so GANGREEN is the best of a bad bunch so he’ll have to do.
That’s me done my little bit and the GM hands the circle over to CABBAGE HEAD. I don’t even bother to sit down ‘cos I know that fucker’s gonna put me straight in the Bucket – and he does – twice. As usual he ices everyone and anyone; no one is safe when CABBAGE HEAD is RA
WANK-KING’S WANKER comes back to the circle to close things out, MENTAL DISORDER is leaving us for a year, not sure where he’s going, does anyone know?? He gets a final down down and the ‘nice’ leaving song is sung by all. (Good luck and happy travels Mental) The Hares don’t want to sing so they show us there rings, but HONEY BEAR does and she’s got a full rig up with amp and mic at the ready. HONEY BEAR does a great version of ‘Living Next Door to Alice’ the lyrics are changed and it’s all about ‘Living Next Door to Wankers’ Everybody enthusiastically joins in with the chorus of ‘VV who the fuck is VV’ . So now a final down down song for the Hares ‘who have been on the ice for a while now’ lead by BB and helped along by NA HE MAN, it turns out to be the longest down down song ever, funny as fuck for all except maybe the Hares who were getting quite thirsty toward the end. And so ends another great day of hashing here in Pattaya – Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
ON- ON ! Shit My Pants
Next week’s scribe is Gangreen
—– STATS REPORT —–
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners this week – 52
Hashers Present Last Week – 39
2 Thanais Charchoo; 89 B. B.; 474 BALL RINGER; 191 CABBAGE HEAD; 300 CABBAGE QUEEN; 59 CAMEL HUMPER; 57 DESERT SCORPION; 321 EXTRA TESTICLE; 507 G.I. JOE; 166 GANGREEN; 118 HONEY BEAR; 522 LADY BOW WOW; 565 LADY FLIPPER; 208 LIBERACE; 59 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 333 LONE WOLF; 8 LOST CAUSE; 124 MARATHON MAN; 11 MASTER CHEF; 96 MENTAL DISORDER; 618 MRS. HEAD; 67 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 77 SCARLET; 153 SHEIK MEME; 21 SHIT MY PANTS; 11 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 579 SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC; 572 SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT; 676 SIR DOG; 585 SIR FREE WILLY; 593 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 756 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 430 SNOOPY; 327 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 293 STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS; 295 SWEETIE; 366 TAMPAX; 689 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 192 WANK-KING’S WANKER
Returners – 9
3 Russ Blohm; 296 BELL END; 34 BEN 10; 221 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 58 LADY GAGA; 35 NA HEE MAN; 273 PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER; 428 TADPOLE; 282 TREE FROG
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 4
9 HANDYMAN – Ludvika Hash, Sweden
2 BOB SNOT HERE – Nhatrain, Vietnam
14 HAWKEYE – Pattaya Jungle Hash, Thailand
19 BIGGUS DICKUS – Songkhla Hash, Thailand
Virgins – 0
~ none this week ~
Leavers – 1
Anniversaries – 2
CABBAGE QUEEN was congratulated on completing her 300th Run
PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER was congratulated on completing his 5th Hared Run
Hash Names – 0 Events
~ none this week ~
Sinners – 0 Events
~ none this week ~
SQUEEZE MY TUBE – 24th August