Scribe Report by Turd Burglar
Fellow Hashers. I arrived back in Pattaya last week to the news that I had been made Scribe for this week and my name was down for two Hares during my stay. The first time I was Scribe I went to SFW‘s cell, sorry house, to dictate my thoughts to him. (Rumour has it one of the few to escape his bedroom and remain sane to tell the tale.) As I am now the proud owner of my very first laptop I decided to bring it over with me just for such an occasion.
However after spending much time with SFW in the U.K. and classifying myself as a friend of SBP and having a tantamount hero worship of HELLBOY ………… I am now very reluctant to actually plug the damned thing in.!!!! ………can some kind soul please explain to me what an IP address is anyway?
Sooooo….. being an enterprising sort of chap and having just been issued with my U.K. bus pass I decided to hand write the entire diatribe. Once completed I then called SFW who, in exchange for a kiss, a sim card and a Katoey sex DVD for the Raffle, agreed to type up my notes in cyber-space and gift it to the webmaster. It goes without saying I trust completely in the integrity of SFW and his honourable pledge NOT to fuck about with the contents and my intentions during its transition.
When at the meeting point outside the Buffalo Bar some of us PH3 Hashers when a Baht Bus arrives get a seat straight away.
On arriving at the A-Site it is clear the Hares, LONE WOLF and NO MORE CUM have pleased the Dark Sider’s and drivers of motor’s because the area is large, flat and clear – except GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER who, when arriving, drove across the only ditch that could damage the undercarriage of his car.
LONE WOLF and NO MORE CUM set out a very good run with long areas for those who can and want to run without too much tapioca slowing them down. I should have followed V.V.’s directions, not for any short cut but because by the time I got back I was late for any of his French Bread Rolls. I will have to do better. I also missed out on the table food. With 96 runners are we not entitled to more fruit and chips in line with the booming Hash we now attend? (NB webmaster – last statement entirely fabricated by hare raiser SFW.)
SCAR W/2T’S starts the circle by icing the hares and it was generally agreed it was a good run.
Raffle time and some some welcoming prizes including a DVD Player were on offer. G.I.JOE calls the numbers and KARAMBA‘s number is first drawn his choice is the bottle of gin. He wins again and chooses the ladies panties!!! RASPUTIN was next to win, a large Chinese teddy bear. Why?… I did not ask him. KEE MAH chose a bottle of Hammer Whiskey which somehow found its way into HONEY BEAR‘s eager hands. PISSED AS A RAT wins a coffee maker. NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER wins the DVD Player, presumably to play Revel’s Bolero while he is shagging all day. The virgin Les Miller gets the wine. A nice Thai girl takes the biscuits and EMPEROR AIRHEAD wins the Thai cushion.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD controls the circle next in his dominant style icing the Hares as per normal and congratulates them for a very good run. His next victims are as usual NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER and LINEAR ACCELERATOR both suffering whiplash.
Now it is KARAMBA, Norwegian frogman alongside two Americans. One being a virgin who has decided to name himself TWO METER PETER………………… We’ll see.!!! STUPID KRAUT C–T, HULK.CHEAPER THAN MEME and ANAL CHEESE are next to be iced for some reason being they are German. EA lets everyone know that they tried to visit all of our countries many years ago.
SW/2T’S takes over again to do the stats. Those to be honoured today are:
SUZY WONG who receives her 5 Hare Cap.
WEE MOANING WEASEL from my home town reaches 100 Runs.
1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE reaches 200 Runs.
BALL RINGER makes it 500 Runs today. GOLDEN COCK does not want to be called Sir and presumably does not prefer the moniker DOORMAT ALAN so will stay plain………. very plain BALL RINGER. Well done all.
NMC ices SUZY WONG, SPECIAL PRICE and CHEAPER THAN MEME for cackling. CHEAPER THAN MEME is brought back in with his wife of 28 years for at last a name for her. After no deliberation she is named TIGHTER THAN MEME. STUPID KRAUT C–T is iced after it is revealed he abandoned his fellow hash guests on a recent Hash Bash to Berlin. GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER and ANAL ROTATE HER LATER are iced for being transport offenders.
SMM gets the circle, resembling very much the Australian character Les Patterson. Slobbering at the mouth, pissed and talking offensive gibberish…. The only difference being Les Patterson buys his own drinks.!!! HONEY BEAR and SPANKINSTEIN receive soggy bottoms for using mobile phones in the circle.
PUSSY FUCKER, another great guy from my home town…. ….. sigh!!!!… We do breed stonking guys them where we come from.!!! LORD NELSON, TURKEY NECK, the late MISSING PERSONALTY, HEDGE, COMPOST HEAP, SFW, the list is endless, …. and FROG DUCK are iced for drink abuse.
KEE MAH is repaid for giving SMM a ride and saving his 20 Baht in petrol by being iced for complaining about Thai road users. JACKAL talks to himself on the ice to complete SMM turn.
NMC ices FROG DUCK. S-N-JA-WEINER OUT (a typical Texan name apparently) and his mate who thinks his name is Two Meter Peter. After consultation on PH3 rules or indeed the lack of them, the brazen one is named on his first run TWO CENTIMETER PETER. So there Yankee.
SW/2T’S takes over for his “official” circle and ices HELIUM HEAD while asking who the biggest balloon chaser in Pattaya is.. Obviously the circle agrees in unison it is SHEIK MEME. HELIUM HEAD however has been giving the notorious Antipodean gate crasher a run for his money so beware, a power struggle may en shew.
Hares Song is performed by LONE WOLF with his infamous “Monkey” song which I think he has done on 29 out of his 30 hares. At least this time he had a monkey dancing around. Methinks this was NMC in disguise. Be careful NMC. You are from Morecambe which is dangerously close to Hartlepool where they know a thing or two about how to deal with monkeys!!!
Leavers and Returners dealt with then as by traditional the A-Site festivities are ended by the singing of the Hash Hymn.
For those of us on the bus we missed the spectacle of SMM getting his hand trapped in the beer coolers while trying to grab another beer “for the bus” as VV drove off.. If it were not for SFW and PUSSY F–KER‘s gallant shouts, SMM would have been given a free ride home behind the Beer Truck all the way to Maison VV.
Although missing this aforementioned near comeuppence we did have more than a good time at the Boomerang Bar which hosted this week’s Happy Hour, where we were treated to BEETROOT HEAD and BANANAS competing at pool while enjoying an excellent spaghetti meal courtesy of the bar governor.
Another great PH3 day.
ON-ON ! Turd Burglar
Next week’s scribe is 1/4 Pounder with Cheese
Names are listed in alphabetical order and show Total Runs with the PH3.
Total Runners This Week – 93
Hashers Present Last Week – 79
6 Sam Green; 22 Jackson Shook; 2 Yupa Sommagattarin; 2 Dani Steinhoff; 200 1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE; 158 ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA; 93 ANAL CHEESE; 8 ANAL ROTATE HER LATER; 500 BALL RINGER; 30 BANANAS; 27 BEETROOT HEAD[ 319 BELL END; 57 BEN 10; 22 BIGGUS DICKUS; 183 BILLION SUCKER; 13 BLUE SKY; 19 BURL IVES; 69 CAMEL HUMPER; 204 Gjein CHEAP NORGY CUNT; 12 COMES WITH PRESSURE; 65 DESERT SCORPION; 92 DIRT DIGGER; 246 DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES; 1296 EMPEROR AIRHEAD; 131 FLYING FINN; 531 G.I. JOE; 191 GANGREEN; 677 GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER; 17 HAWKEYE; 96 HELIUM HEAD; 134 HONEY BEAR; 94 HULK; 39 JINGLE BALLS; 302 KARAMBA; 206 KEE MAH; 591 LADY FLIPPER; 235 LIBERACE; 78 LINEAR ACCELERATOR; 355 LONE WOLF; 33 LOST CAUSE; 21 LOVE BOAT; 25 MASTER CHEF; 18 MISUSE ME; 644 MRS. HEAD; 62 NEXT WEEK; 159 NO MORE CUM; 80 PAPRIKA SMILEY; 275 PELER; 288 PIG PUSHER SWINE STABBER; 22 PISSED AS A RAT; 21 POLE FUCKER; 15 PRINCESS BUM BOY; 54 PUSSY FUCKER; 367 RAMBO WW2; 309 RAMBOWLING; 64 RASPUTIN; 179 ROBBING BASTARD; 2 SAC NJA WEINER; 202 SCAR W/2T’S; 171 SHEIK MEME; 25 SHIT ON MY SHIRT; 611 SIR FREE WILLY; 620 SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD; 781 SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD; 95 SLIPPERY ARSE; 49 SPANKINSTEIN; 96 SPECIAL PRICE; 349 SQUEEZE MY TUBE; 154 STEPTOE; 15 STICKY KNICKERS; 316 STINKY SLOPPY SECOND; 55 SUZY WONG; 440 TADPOLE; 198 TOM BOY; 184 TRY-A-FUCK; 172 TURD BURGLAR; 325 VELCRO DICK; 716 VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR; 100 WEE MOANING WEASEL
Returners – 9
45 CHEAPER THAN MEME; 148 JACKAL; 89 NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER; 354 ODD-JOB; 38 OLIVE OIL; 133 RATSO-EEL-SNIFFER; 46 STREET CLEANER; 194 STUPID KRAUT KUNT; 6 TIGHTER THAN MEME
Visitors (PH3 Total Runs) – 2
5 SEMEN – Bodrum Hash, Turkey
3 FROG DOC – San Diego Hash, USA
SHIT ON MY SHIRT having completed 25 PH3 runs is now a full member
MASTER CHEF having completed 25 PH3 runs is now a full member
Virgins – 3
Leavers – 4
Anniversaries – 4
BALL RINGER was congratulated on completing his 500th Run
1/4 POUNDER WITH CHEESE was congratulated on completing his 200th Run
WEE MOANING WEASEL was congratulated on completing his 100th Run
SUZY WONG was awarded her 5 Hared Hat
Hash Name Events – 2
Birgit Turski was given the Hash Name TIGHTER THAN MEME
Pete Swanstrom was given the Hash Name TWO CENTIMETER PETER
Sinners – 0
~ none this week ~
~ none this week ~