My Monday started pretty much the same as any other Monday when I’m here in Pattaya, a phone call at 1 o’clockish from CABBAGE HEAD asking “Are you still alive? and “are you coming to the Hash?” followed by “do you want CABBAGE QUEEN to make you a sandwich?” the answer to all 3 questions is usually yes, but last week, ‘cos I never answered my phone and the answer to “Are you still alive?” would have been “just about” this being due to mass alcohol intake and shitting myself along walking street in the early hours of last Monday morning. I was meant to be Hash Scribe last week but hence I never made it to the A-site. This week however ,after passing MARATHON MAN the human HHH sign and arriving at the ‘not as advertised’ A site, an ‘on a mission’ looking WANK-KING’S WANKER comes marching up to me and tells me I owe him something, having a mind like a sieve , I’m thinking what can it be ‘a cigarette? A packet of cigarettes? 50 baht? What?’ No, none of them, it was a scribe….so here we go….. Oh, and by the way some of the names and events may have been changed. Not to protect the innocent, but just because I can’t really remember or I was off having a slash….
The Hares, WANK-KING’S WANKER and LINEAR ACCELERATOR provided us all with a nice 3 mileish run though the bush, a fairly steady flat run, perfect for me and the Hashers among us who like to run a bit, walk a bit and are not so keen on some of the lung busting hills/ mountains we sometimes face. We all get to the first check and far in the distance I can see a ‘not so’ REAR GUNNER who’s possibly about half a mile out checking on his lonesome, all of a sudden an ‘ON ON’ is heard in completely the other direction, so on we go. During the run I see CHEAPER THAN ME ME and his Missus blasting passed me again and again and again, I don’t know how they do it or which trail there following, maybe they’re doing the trail 3 times and are lapping me ???
We all get back to the A-site in one piece and nobody is lost, I can see lots of hungry Hashers munching on SEXY BUMS Baguettes and everyone’s having a Happy Monday. Time to circle up…..
GM SCAR WITH TWO T’S kicks of the proceedings by icing the Hares, then the Virgins are offered a seat on the ice and they all seem pretty comfortable sat there with their down downs at the ready.
SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT takes the stage ‘cos its raffle time….winners include EMPEROR AIRHEAD, STUPID KRAUT KUNT, SQUEEZE MY TUBE, SIR WANDA, who picks out the rainbow umbrella, GANGREEN, LADY BOW WOW, who wins 2 prizes, an air bed and a nice new pair of running shoes, she gets a double down down, but not out of the new shoes. LINEAR ACCELERATOR takes the porn donated by SIR FREE WILLY.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD is up next and sticks the Hares on the ice we discover that LINEAR ACCELERATOR has no recollection of how many runs he’s actually done, but he knows that’s he has Hared 50% of them. PAPRIKA SMILEY and SIR WANDA get an icing, one is the ‘Pattaya Playboy’ and the other is the’ Pattaya Pirate’… no prizes for guessing which is which. HEIFER DUST takes a seat along with his sister and his Missus who get new names from the Emperor … from now on they shall be known as SNAKE SNACK and MOONSHINE.
Next its Stats time with WANK-KING’S WANKER, he storms the arena with some kind of bizarre Apache Indian dance chanting ‘Who? Why? How? ‘ We all get informed about a beach social, nobody seems quite sure of the date, but we know it’s going to be on the day after Arseholio goes back to ‘Straylia’. HULK gets a cap that says he’s Hared 10 runs, he’s actually Hared 6 runs and the cap is meant to read 5 runs Hared…how fucking confusing is that??? I guess he owes the Hash 4 Hare runs.
Then things start to get a bit blurry for me, I’m pretty boozed by now and as I’m looking at my scribe notes…well they don’t make much sense. They go something like this…
SCAR WITH TWO T’S ices STUPID KRAUT KUNT for being a snuggly cunt bus jewelry fancier. ARSE-HOLEO on the ice for being married to his cut leg (WTF??? that’s what my notes say, so it must be correct). Some dude gets put in the bucket ‘cos he didn’t want to sit on the ice and he likes to check out Norwegian’s ball bags.
STEPTOE puts AXLE GREASE, CRAZY PUSSY and SIR REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD on the ice and recites a poem about the British Royals and prostitutes, after they are released from the ice, ARSE-HOLEO pounces and starts sniffing the ice – maybe he has a thing for Scotsman’s arses???
CABBAGE HEAD (who said Head, I’l have some of that and it was good) the self-proclaimed ‘Horrible Bastard’ of the circle comes in and thanks Flying Fin ‘in ice style’ for his magic booze – it’s Magic ‘cos it turns your brains into a GPS, so magically you make it home after drinking it, but it has side effects – it magically empty’s your wallet for you and gives you a head ache in the morning…that’s some real Harry Potter shit going on there . He then goes onto ice KATOEY POODLE for his in depth knowledge of all things homosexual and SIR WANDA for choosing the big gay rainbow umbrella in the raffle. And of course the Horrible Bastard sticks me in the bucket for ‘allegedly’ stealing LADY FLIPPERS chair.
MENTAL DISORDER gets all his Cambodian compardres in the circle and tries to get them to make some kind of human chain – this doesn’t seem like to hard a task, but all the Hashers are hammered by now and following easy instruction is no longer possible.
Then as scribe I get given ice power, SCAR WITH TWO T’S gets a seat and a down down for being forgetful, WANK-KING’S WANKER iced for being a lot drunker than he used to be. MENTAL DISORDER iced for being a LADY BOYS JISM RECEPTICAL stand in. And finally I get my revenge on CABBAGE HEAD and put him in the bucket.
And so the night draws to an end, the Hares didn’t want to sing so STEPTOE comes to the rescue with another great little ditty. Hash Hymn is sung and we depart – some hasher go to the ON ON bar, some Hashers go home and some Hashers like myself and few others go to CABBAGE HEAD and CABBAGE QUEENS house to drink all of CABBAGE HEADS booze ‘cos he really is a Horrible Bastard.
On-On! Shit My Pants