I regret to advise you that among other things I have early onset Alzheimer’s. I probably caught it off LORD CHICKEN FUCKER the last hasher to admit he was a sufferer. Unfortunately with me the ailment is selective. If I couldn’t remember I was the Scribe for this week’s hash I’d be in clover and probably wouldn’t ever again be asked to perform the task. However I have a conscience and do remember that I am the Scribe so I’ll do my best. For some reason alcohol tends to trigger the disease so as the day progressed I can remember less and less.
It’s good to be in Pattaya and amongst friends again. The journey to the A-Site was informative as usual. Possibly inspired by the exploits of today’s Hare DEL BOY almost the entire journey was spent by my listening to Messrs. STEPTOE, SEAL SUCKER and GANGREEN talk about prostate massage. Fascinating. The first two have had close encounters with nurses all over the world and GANGREEN can tell you all about the problems/pleasures to be experienced with Indian women with long nails. It’s good to be in Pattaya with friends.
SIR FREE WILLY, another good mate, took the trouble to email me in the UK in the middle of my holiday asking me to be this week’s scribe. Somewhat ungratefully I asked for a few weeks grace due to pressures of business but with my best interest at heart he didn’t allow me to postpone the pleasure.
Our esteemed joint GM WANK-KING’S WANKER who was in uncharacteristic great form all day called us to order whereupon THE EMPEROR insisted on drinking to his very large new shoes as he was testing them for their beer capacity and beer retention. I cannot recall if these shoes met with his approval but I have it in the best authority that this public spirited man is likely to repeat the test over many weeks before deciding on a recommendation for Hash Rags.
Sadly we learned that THE CORPSE has at last lived up to the promise of his name and has gone to join fellow hashers in the next world. He will be missed by many.
Three virgins were introduced before our hares CRAPPER and DEL BOY told us about the run. I don’t know why but there was an undercurrent in the circle and mutterings about long runs finishing in the dark with camouflaged sticks painted black. CRAPPER had put his co-hare right on this and we were assured all check makings were in red. Great innovators our Hares are using (for me) a new system of back checks where by you have to count back ten lots of hanging paper in order to find the correct trail. Upon which we set off.
DEL BOY knowing I was a convalescent and ‘running in’ sets of new metal joints assured me that the walker’s trail very interesting and very short. He had used his new GPS so unlike other Hares he had recently done there would be no mistakes and it would be far too good to miss. Not only that but once he had returned from laying the paper for the second half of the run he would come and find me to make sure I didn’t get lost. It’s so good to have friends.
We came upon the first check quickly. It was very good and left the field in confusion. I don’t want to boast but I was the sole exception to that confusion. Experience shows and I told REAR GUNNER that as there were no paths ahead the way must be a new trail made through the woods. I was right and for about two kilometres I remained in second position as none of the FRBs could get past me on the narrow trail. I rather enjoyed this although I later discovered that JACKAL, another good friend found it less amusing and didn’t understand that any run that allowed the walkers to get in front of and hinder the FRBs was the sign of a good hare. Had I not enjoyed the experience so much I might have pointed out to DEL BOY that the difficult and hilly terrain wasn’t part of his description of the walk.
I do like Hares that cause difficulties for the FRBs and wasn’t that far behind the front runners when I saw ahead that they had turned around at a back check. Unfortunately the hares’ logic failed them. My chance to stay ahead was thwarted I didn’t know how many strips of hanging paper to count back! After this I gradually dropped further and further behind ending up at the back of the field.
You may recall DEL BOY’s advice to do this ‘short’ walk. I reckon I must have covered at least 5k before reaching the walkers’/runners’ split. Several kilometres after that I reached a sign stating ‘B E E R N E A R’. Now as a teacher myself I have always felt DEL BOY takes rather an absurd pride in having been inattentive in his lessons. This is a good example of the consequence. DEL BOY, ‘F A R’ is not spelled ‘N E A R’. I must have continued for close on another hour before getting back to the beer and the A-Site by which time it was raining hard and the dark was closing in fast.
I can’t say much about the runners’ trail after the split except all runners finished in the dark and well after me and that DEL BOY acting as sweeper was too late to assist me at the end of the walkers’ trail as promised. However STEPTOE had substituted for him on this errand of care and at the ON On bar we allowed DEL BOY to make amends by buying a large drink for each of us.
Our highly revered GM wouldn’t allow me pen or paper on which to record events but through the dementia I seem to recall all agreeing it was a good run and the Hares being iced a number of times for this and other reasons I feel sure were fully deserved.
I recall around twenty hashers made the second circle so possibly some are still out there trying to find the trail. Among those missing in action and unable to join us in the circle are EMPEROR AIRHEAD and LONE WOLF. The latter supposed to do the Raffle instead of SIR FW. GI JOE jumped in to save the occasion which took a little time as most of us couldn’t read our soggy tickets. The prizes were eventually disposed of with GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER receiving the alcohol (which he has come to expect) and LIBERACE winning something else. What happened to the rest of the prizes I don’t recall.
STEPTOE as Choir Master stepped into the breach twice first with ‘Singing in the Rain” (what inspired that I wonder) to allow our illustrious GM thinking time and secondly to prevent our suffering any more at the hands of the Hares. Our inspired GM then had the sense to close the circle an allow all those wishing to, to adjourn to magnificent food and drink at Jamesons.
It only remains to me to say thanks to the Hares what for me was a great run despite endangering my recovery and to ¼ POUNDER WITH CHEESE and HEIFER DUST for organizing the beers for all those traveling on their baht bus. As I say it’s good to be back with friends.
On-On! Robbing Bastard