Roll up, roll up, welcome to the Greatest Show on Earth – bellowed the ringmaster, KATOY ANAL MASTURBATOR, as the Aussies roll into Pattaya for their annual PH3 Aussie Extravaganza, in association with their many Thai friends.
The ringmaster's call attracted more than a few wry smiles when the memory of last year's rather underwhelming run is recalled. After 20 years of very successful Aussie/Thai runs, which have raised hundreds of thousands of baht for charity, perhaps last year was a small hiccup and we should share in the ringmaster's enthusiasm.
Arriving at the Aussie Site, there was no question who was in residence – bunting, Aussie flags everywhere to be seen, the party was just getting started.
LIBERACE and the new muscle, SAUCE FOR THE GOOSE, were in their usual roles. Just alongside of the sign-up was the lovely NO KNICKERS, providing support after the LIBERACE grilling, and passing out a free gift. To the left of the sign-up is a bricked rotunda. From a distance, you could see the Aussie's had set up a small shop, in that rotunda, where all sorts of Aussie memorabilia may be purchased. The display of the past 20 years of Aussie Run shirts was impressive. What you couldn't see, until it was too late - the shop was staffed by Aussie PNG mafia. Up selling and stand over was rampant, as the shop was quickly cleared of merchandise.
GM called the circle, it was great to see returners, some after many years – SIR FROG and SIR MC were just two. GM went through hash business, DIRT LOONEY reminded us of the great work he and the hash do for our charity, Kids Care.
GM called the hares into the circle for the run instructions. SLUG slowly entered the circle, dragging his bandaged leg while holding some props, with an arm he was unable to straighten. Hard to know what happened to SLUG, he said it was a misunderstanding on the trail, but he was clearly nervous standing in front of the other 13 hares. Run instructions were given and the runners directed to the first paper.
Runners were back safely from the run, all attendees had eaten, beverages were being consumed, and GM called the circle.
GM called ARSE-HOLEO, DIRT LOONEY, UNSTABLE LOAD and SLUG on the ice. ARSE-HOLEO, DIRT LOONEY and UNSTABLE LOAD were guilty of Hash Trash while SLUG was given Hash Crash – the other hares had informed GM that SLUG's injuries were a result of him falling on the trail while doing a recce – as SLUG silently mouthed 'HELP ME'.
GM called hares on the ice, and there were plenty – the ringmaster himself, the PISS POORER family, whose young son was in possession of a bugle like instrument – can't wait until he gets his drum set. There were many others but my attention was drawn to the beautiful Thai Hariettes.
GM turned to the raffle and like last week, he was unable to find my ticket. Congratulations to the winners.
GM gave the circle to SGT LONE WOLF. While PH3 support Kids Care the Aussies support Care for Kids, have done so for many years, using the funds from this event. SGT LONE WOLF acknowledged PH3 for allowing the Aussies to continue what might look like a conflicting activity, presenting PH3 with a Jesters Care for Kids Certificate of Appreciation. Just as I was wondering where that certificate might be displayed LIBERACE's arm reached across, and it was gone.
GM gave the circle to AIRHEAD. AIRHEAD proudly displayed the armful of goodies he had bought from the Aussie PNG mafia. While AIRHEAD admits he really only wanted to buy a condom he commended the service, and how helpful the guys were.
AIRHEAD called NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER and his unnamed friend Gene on the ice. NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER claims the unnamed friend is of the best variety, but at the same time pushed hard for his new hash name to be 'DOG ON HEAT' – if you know NECROPHILIA NIGHT RIDER you would know that is perfectly normal behavior.
WANK-KING'S WANKER was given the circle and in his own unique style acknowledged the following with their award:
• FRENCH KISS – 50 runs
• PHANTOM – 150 runs
• GOLDEN RIVET – 200 runs
• MISS USE ME – 200 runs
• SGT LONE WOLF – 20 hares
• SCOOBY DOO – 5 Hared Runs T-shirt
• BALL RINGER – 700 Runs Polo shirt
• BEETROOT HEAD– 5 Hared Runs T-shirt
GM gave the circle to CAPTAIN KANGAROO to auction the silver coins. After unexpected, spirited bidding, DOG LICKS ITS DICK emerged victorious – many thanks to all bidders.
GM gave the circle to FIGJAM to conduct the Aussie Two-Up competition – using one coin. You could argue that should then be called One-Up – but we are not going there. The game started and involved the circle. After a few rounds, gamers were gradually eliminated, should their choice of head or tail not coincide with how the coin fell. Eventually, the winner emerged, GI JOE. GI JOE found it hard to conceal his excitement being awarded the prize – a kangaroo scrotum – bet he didn't have one of those. Apologies, but I am still investigating if the second prize were the gonads.
GM called the hares to sing a song – they almost pulled it off.
What a great night, GM called the usual miscreants into the circle to lead the Hash Hymn.
GM closed the circle.
The Aussies and our Thai Associates would like to thank all those who attended and helped make this a great event, once more – if you weren't there, then there is always next year.
On-On! Phantom