Nothing could be finer than to savor the GM’s pained facial expression as he dejectedly accepted NA HEE MAN as today’s Scribe. His malcontent was obvious, proven by his hesitation to confirm the appointment and after beseeching the 1st Circle to volunteer up a more worthy candidate…… none forthcoming, he nonetheless thanked me and quipped that “hopefully this report would be written in ‘understandable English’ “.
BEVERLY HILLS PINK COCK announced the Pattaya Jungle H3 event upcoming on Sunday August 16 at Koh Larn: 45 sign-ups so far to take a 100 pax boat to/from the island for an afternoon of HHHing……1130 hours meet at Bali Hai Pier Pattaya for a 12 noon departure; 250 THB/person for boat ride, walk/run (A to B), food at B site and beach fun/swimming/body surfing etc:. 50 THB beers at the B site beach resort and sodas/water for less. ETD via boat from B site is 1800 hours. Note: Old/sick/fat/lazy HHHers can take the boat to the B site and skip the walk/run/exercise……also, wear a face mask, as security at Bali Hai Pier will require it. All Welcome!
2nd Circle - Equipped with a water pistol to shock loudmouths into silence, the GM tested it on KARAMBA, who said that ‘he’d already had one load on his face today’ (not quite sure what he meant here in Amazing Thailand…..).
UNSTABLE LOAD was iced for multiple infractions, including having a broken finger that was apparently bigger than his cock (according to well-experienced sexual warrior SPERM POLLUTER after conferring with his wife CASPAR!) and for littering the beer truck bed with his trash. To honor such appalling behavior (he supposedly was thrown ass-over-noggin from his motorcycle), he was awarded Hash Trash toilet seat & Hash Crash helmet in a rare joint effort – well done, UL! MR BEAN got the other Hash Trash silly hat for leaving his HHH handkerchief behind on last week’s event.
Our 5 hares were predictably iced – lead hare GOLDEN RIVET with his team of LOST CAUSE, DUCHESS TADPOLE, TELLY TUBBY and HOI WAN – and sat patiently as they were lauded by walkers & runners alike for having set a great run….. ‘fast, long, hard & hot; that’s what she said!’, said an anonymous hasher - so good that MR BEAN ‘could have done it in the dark’; GI JOE miraculously remained ‘unlost’ for the duration, and SPERM POLLUTER asked for a chance to hare with the female contingent for a future ‘golden shower’ from them…..more importantly, the hares received warm thanks from everybody for contributing/preparing/serving excellent complimentary food – spring rolls & pasta bowls – to a hungry horde of hashers, most of whom by serving time were already half-leathered and many half-starved from exertions on the trail.
The lottery: Winners were iced…… FLEECE LIFTER, MINELESS CUNT, ATOMIC MUFF DIVER, and then Kiwi Kim’s wife (no HHH name yet) who won a frying pan which she intends to ‘bash against husband head when he bad man’! Unsurprisingly, KNICKERLESS won yet again, though was bucketed when discovered that she again had a wrong number & her colossal cookie tin prize was wrenched from her grasp and given to another recipient – the last prize, a badminton set, went to LOST CAUSE who was ecstatic at having won a shuttleCOCK in her goodie bag…..
WANK-KING’S WANKER took charge with UNSTABLE LOAD’s help to mete out the prizes earned as of late: 5 Hare T-shirt for SPERM POLLUTER, 100 Run T-shirt for SMOKEY TRUCKY FUCKY and 10 Hare T-shirt for PARISIAN TITI …..many thanks guys!
Two virgins – Gary from Victoria, Australia & Les from Bristol, England - were iced and nonetheless promised to return for further fun. Les tells us he runs a bar on Soi Chaiyapoom, that he’ll return to his own bar post-HHH (instead of joining the OnOnOn at iRovers Bar) and that we ‘can all go and get fucked’ – so much for free advertising to 68 other drunkard HHHers in his midst!
Lone HHH visitor NAKED HORSE of bygone fame in HHH circles at Bander Seri Begawan, Nanjing & Kunming (he promised that he was Covid 19 free, and we believed him!) may have also kissed the Blarney Stone in his native Ireland; he regaled us with a dubious tale of drunkenness at Labuan, Malaysia when he ended up naked and locked out of his hotel room in the wee hours. He purportedly climbed a fire escape to spend the night shivering (in the equatorial tropics?) through interrupted bouts of sleep and somehow managed to get back into his room the next morning without much fanfare……the Circle showed its appreciation with ‘I’ve Got A Song That’ll Get On Your Nerves, Get On Your Nerves! I’ve Got A Song That’ll Get On Your Nerves, Get On Your Nerves! I’ve Got A Song That’ll Get On Your Nerves, Get On Your Nerves! I’ve Got A Song That’ll Get On Your Nerves…..!’
LORD CHICKEN FUCKER stated the obvious: KARAMBA is now FAT! .....and then forced our Norwegian special forces veteran to prance about the Circle shaking his now flabby ass & belly for all to see. KARAMBA’s excuse was prolonged bouts of ‘quarantine isolation’, including stints in Oslo, on offshore vessels/rigs and in Thailand upon his recent return to the Kingdom. Several weeks in total, and he admitted that ‘he had lost his focus, had got lazy and had stopped exercising’. He also told us, that in his confinement(s), he started writing his memoirs (and that all 69 of us at today’s HHH event were in it!). LCF verified that KARAMBA’s daughter & wife didn’t recognize him in his corpulence when he arrived home. This posed no problem, as his wife told his daughter “Here’s the ATM machine!”. Daughter responded, ‘Mommy, where’s the skinny ATM machine that was here yesterday?’. VELCRO DICK was iced with KARAMBA to keep him company in his new rotund state-of-grace/predicament.
SEAL SUCKER - the diminuitive, ever-skulking, self-aggrandizing puke that he is – chimed in with LCF to champion the need for KARAMBA to receive copious coffee enemas to commence with his pending weight loss program. REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD sang KARAMBA off the ice and out of the Circle with a Scots ditty: ‘Well, he’s a big fat fuck, twice the size of me, hairs on his balls like the branches on a tree……’
LCF gave all his feral cats at home to the old Thai lady on the nearby street corner. This was after the monks at the local Wat refused to take the cats in for keeping the rat population at bay. LCF, now ‘pussy free’, celebrated by buying a Buggery Bird down BoyzTown at the gay pet shop. His bird continues to practice his sayings (taught to him painstakingly by LCF), the favorite being ‘The GM’s a Prick!’!
Speaking of pricks, SEAL SUCKER was thrown on ice by LCF because when purchasing his Buggery Bird in BoyzTown, LCF saw SS sitting in the nearby Buggery Bar, where he took advantage of the Covid 19 discount offer ‘Buy one, get two free…..up the bum!’ SS agrees it must be good for the prostate gland, though LCF reveals that he no longer has one. SS finally off the ice, and more gay rights to come as LCF tosses SMOKEY TRUCKY FUCKY again on ice for having recently contracted Dengue Fever, all due to him being fucked by a bloke down BoyzTown!
LCF tells us of the Aboriginal Australian who went to the local gift shop to buy his girlfriend a present. Perfume is recommended, and on offer are 1) ‘Make Me Bend Over’, 2) ‘Perfume Rose’ and 3) ‘Come To Me’. The Abo sniffs all three: 1) that stinks!, 2) she doesn’t like roses, 3) doesn’t smell like cum to me!
LCF heaves BALL RINGER and his son BEN 10 on ice and encourages BEN 10 to ‘be a real boy and sit on the ice with your bare bum and not on your old gay Dad’s knee – I thought you would have eventually turned out to be a red-blooded real man, not a ‘How Now’ poofter down BoyzTown!’. BELL END was again mentioned by LCF in a popular recurrent theme by which she has ‘taken in’ some help from a well-endowed African man down 7-11 in a bygone hormonal moment; she never comes to Circle to ‘clear the air’, as (according to BR) she’s always busy nearby eating Thai food sat on the ground (pristinely on bamboo mats) with the native female HHH sub-group.
LCF’s parting blow was to ice MR BEAN and compare him to the likes of British TV personality, Wurzled Gummage.
The GM astutely ices WANK-KING’S WANKER and FLATULENCE as the current birthday boys, and then invites birthday girl COOKIE MONSTER to ‘wedge her bulbous buttocks between the “two bones of meat” already on ice, or to use the bucket instead’. A behemoth, candle-adorned birthday/wedding-style cake was presented to COOKIE MONSTER, as NA HEE MAN led the chorus of ‘Happy Birthday, You CUNT!’ to carry her forward on her continuing journey……WW (iced), very stoned and feeling philosophical, said he was ‘depressed by life on this planet’ as the Pattaya Circle celebrated his B-day and that of FLATULENCE with a robust rendition of ‘Hashy Birthday, Fuck You!’. Read onward for more of WW’s ‘comments from far, far away and way way afar’…..
We called on the hares to sing us a song – ‘so sing, you bastards (and bitches!), sing…..if you don’t want to sing, show us your ring…..we don’t want to see your ring, so sing, you bastards (and bitches!), sing!’ We were not disappointed when Dr. BURL IVES took control and belted out a new version of ‘Monster Mash……a Covid Mash, it’s a lot to ask, snitching (ask SEAL SUCKER!) has begun without a Covid Mash, a Mordology (is that a word?) Mash……..?!?
Circle was closed with the Hash Hymn – Swing Low – led by BALL RINGER, the man with the Golden Cock.
Brave souls who ventured to the OnOnON at I-Rovers Bar were treated to discounted buckets of iced beer, more gratis cheesy pasta casserole comfort food, and add’l wisdom from WANK-KING’S WANKER – a couple of his zingers in closing:
1) ‘I need to execute/implement all the things I think I want to know……’!
2) ‘Everything is totally fucked up – all we can do is try to figure out which bins to throw all this shit into…..’!
On-On! Na Hee Man