En route to the A site on a baht bus, our Slovenian HHH friend, SHE’S THE BOSS, said to me: “SPERM POLLUTER is Hare today. That means we’ll today be in the ‘shit up to neck’ (while simultaneously giving the penal sign of cutting one’s own neck via the slice of the hand); I agreed with him, stating: “each SP run is difficult, just like him!”.
The 1st Circle was routine save for WANK-KING’S WANKER lecturing the Scribe on his opinion that ‘size matters’ – “We can’t have font less than 7 (inches); otherwise, no one will be able to see it….”. Alas, I’m supposedly now limited to 1000 words, with a preferred target of 750/report.
The 2nd Circle began with the weekly Raffle, wherein the Thai wives Association were seen & heard going giddy with excitement at the prospect of winning – the only female to win in an otherwise field of drunken masculinity was KNICKERLESS…..surprise, surprise – her lucky streak is now 8 consecutive weeks! .....and so off she sashayed with a bottle of red wine.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD was invited by stand-in GM, GI JOE (THE WIZARD demoted himself as a Hare for the day and fell in stature & esteem in doing so, according to EA), to take the Circle whereupon he iced the Hares (THE WIZARD, SPERM POLLUTER & WANK-KING’S WANKER) for being ‘impotent, important’ people while congratulating SIR SPAGHETTI HEAD (Welcome back!) and DOG LICKS ITS DICK for being the eldest HHHers today attending.
EA then lauded WKW as ‘having a Hashing universe in his head – indeed the brains behind the Hash, even though he looks like the guy outside McDonald’s skyving for spare change’ Good grief! EA then reminded us that the Hash is not a democracy, but instead is ‘a communist group that checks on its neighbors’; he then made clear that SP never did fuck all in providing food for the Hash until he married CASPER – from then on, great food has come forth again & again (just like SP!).
Asking around the Circle for walk & run opinions, the Beer Hunters gave a thumbs up; various runners spoke of a 70 foot mudslide down into 4 feet of swamp water (a free joyride, said SP!); and fields full of lacerating pineapple plant fronds reminded EA of Hash mate DRIPPY (always without underwear), who long ago managed to ‘skewer his own bollock’ on such a fruit tip – ouch! EA then thanked the GM for enlivening the Raffle, which had become mundane & boring until recently.
EA’s most heartfelt appreciation, however, was reserved for the Thai Wives Association who created and served today’s ‘Noveau Cuisine’ – he did this by icing all of them, led by LOST CAUSE who cooked the food. COOKIE MONSTER designed the plate presentation, YA YA was the server girl, and KNICKERLESS was the ‘drinker girl’!
GI JOE then called in out sole HHH virgin, Khun Nitt and NA HEE MAN did point out that Nitt’s sponsor was none other than the long-term Phuket HHHer, TITS FOR BRAINS. The stand-in GM iced both NHM & TFB for their trouble.
Trail offences brought to light ‘shit house slip’ trail crashes for MAYO QUEEN (2 wipe-outs for the Belgian!), GI JOE (who swears he was pushed into the mud by his wife LADY SQUEEZE MY TUBE) and NA HEE MAN (who took direction from PATPOM and directly fell on his ass at the exact spot she dictated). The girls were iced for their complicity…..as was THE WIZARD for sympathizing with them and laughing disdainfully when hearing of the above trail misfortune(s) & for being a fucking loudmouth in general.
LORD CHICKEN FUCKER took the Circle to ice the stand-in GM for using the water pistol as private Circle(s) silencer without first filling it with G & T – sacrilege! LCF then iced MR. BEAN for ‘being even more weird without the beard’ and then bucketed him for sounding with his high-pitched voice as a gay version of the stand-in GM. With MB holding himself above the bucket ice with his arms, like a right fucking mincing tosser.
THE WIZARD came in and offered MB a solution to having no beard (no one recognized him without it), no Hash T shirt, no life and potentially no bucket – all he had to do was put on a free Hash T shirt that was just soaked in the ice bucket…..MB fucked up this stellar offer by pretzeling when trying to robe himself; alas, he ended up in the bucket after all, with FUCK OFF joining him. THE WIZARD poignantly portrayed the difference between ‘a liberal poofta from Boston and a real man ( copper ) from Detroit’!
GI JOE ices LOST CAUSE for celebrating her 27th birthday ( x 2 or thereabouts) – Hashy Birthday, Fuck You!) and a B-day cake with 27 candles appeared; she was also again praised for her excellent food and for putting up with her husband GOLDEN RIVET. …..ARSE BANDIT & MADAM SIN were iced for holding a private Circle chat and were sung off the ice by Gangreen: ‘I want to show affection, yet she has a yeast infection’.
‘Steven’ – an international man of mystery – told us today and in the past that he’s Thai (from Chiang Rai), and also from Singapore, Malaysia, Myanmar and other Asian haunts. According to his bum chum CRAZY GERMAN (they apparently have Hashed together across the Orient), ‘Steven’ speaks 6 or more languages, and we surmise that he may be a Chinese spy reporting to Xi Jinping on HHH activities throughout China’s sphere of influence: ‘Steven How, Steven Who, Steven Where, Steven Woo, Steven Here, Steven There, Steven Me, Steven You’! Remember what EMPEROR AIRHEAD said above…..
Hash Music (to the tune of The Happy Wanderer by the King’s Singers): ‘The Wankers By My Side’ – Scots as drunk as skunks; Kiwis playing rugby & chasing sheep; Americans since losing Obama are now the KKK; Scandis once were Vikings overseas, now they got STDs; Thai girls are cute, but never waiting for their next meal…..
Hash Hymn with GANGREEN expounding that he smokes weed, gets hammered and stumbles around the A site ‘only in a good way’!
The OnOnOn at I-Rovers was our chance to hear more from WKW: ‘I need to create by own new enigma’. Priceless was my discussion with Birley Shassey (BURLY CHASSIS!) when I told her that I’d ‘stretch the truth’ by mentioning that THE WIZARD can be ‘an awful asshole’…..she agreed, and then said about her worse half, ‘there’s no truth-stretching in that statement’!
Sweet & Sour Chicken w/rice!
1100 words, you fucking WANK-KING’S WANKER!
(Editor's note: Nice read albeit a little long, but well within the font size restraint.)
On-On! Na Hee Man