The bus arrived at the A site after a short, but bumpy ride along Phoenix Country Club road. All the occupants of the hash bus were in good spirits and I could tell that this was going to be a good afternoons hashing.
The A site that the hares had chosen was high enough not to suffer from any forms of flooding but also gave a clear view of the sand quarry it was situated in the middle of. All the usual faces were gathered in their little cliques, vast quantities of water and re-hydration drinks were being imbibed, I counted MeMe drinking twelve, no wonder the bastard sweats so much!
The G.M. duly calls the hashers to order, and a circle is formed. After welcoming the virgins and new shoes being christened, the hares are invited in to give us some idea as to what we are letting ourselves in for this arvo. The hares for run## 1273 are all Hashing legends in the Pattaya area. First we have Miserable C##t, the unhappiest man in Thailand (mind you, have you seen the other two hares? He probably had to lay the whole trail himself! No wonder he’s miserable!) Second we have the hasher known as Missing Link, here like clockwork every Monday, always to be seen with Dr Chang in hand, prescribed by Really Sadistic Bastard. Lastly, we have Sir Chicken F#cker, athletic? Handsome? Dashing? None of the above, but he sings a good song.
Anyway, Sir Chicken F#cker tells us about today’s hash, things to be avoided like barbed wire, dodgy checks that lead to nowhere and the hippopotami along the trail. The hares point to the direction to set off, then the hash herd slowly gathers momentum, FRB’s shoot off, the joggers wobble into gear, and the slow walkers, big talkers join in the melee at the back of the pack.
Straight away we see much evidence of paper abuse, with what looked liked the entire contents of ten shredders emptied in one big pile on the floor, shame on you hares!
After three minutes of walking Bam Bam and I (Running Dick) come across Teeny Weeny embarking on the balsiest short-cut ever straight back to the A site and more importantly the beer truck, the stuff true hash legends are made of! We verbally abuse the lithe Australian athlete and continue our Monday afternoon workout.
Fifteen minutes in we get to a check, (unbroken by the FRB’s of course) lots of hashers milling about in a state of total confusion, waiting for someone to take the lead. The correct path found, we set off again. It is at this stage where several of the older, wiser members of the hash community take the initiative to go off trail, through the eucalyptus forest to follow the very audible instructions of GI Joe. Are You Sure suddenly appears from a bush accompanied by two sweaty Thai females, he assured us that he wasn’t lost and added that his best hashing skills were learnt in the Thai bush!(that’s vegetation not female genetalia).
After having to cross a ravine that would have made Indiana Jones’s arse pucker, me and Bam Bam were back on trail. Barbed wire safely negotiated, sandy red hillocks scaled, we found ourselves tramping through more jungle, following what seemed like multiple trails (perhaps to circumvent the hippo that Sir Chicken Fucker so graciously told us about in the circle) we eventually stumbled across the On In sign. With the bus in view we headed in that direction for a few well deserved scoops. Vast quantities of fresh fruit and crisps (“chips” to our atlanticly challenged hashers) were laid on by our trio of hares, top notch nosh guys, well done.
After having drunk a couple of beers with Bam Bam, GM sidled up to the both of us with what seemed like a fairly innocuous question “which one of you two can write?” Bam Bam saw the loaded question a mile off, either that or he really can’t write, anyway, replied in the negative, I being from the land of William Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde, Lord Byron etc. said that I was not that averse to jotting down a few lines of prose when the mood took me. Enough said, that’s how I volunteered myself for scribe this week (who said Aussies were stupid!)
GM calls the circle; we all stand around and wait for the proceedings to get under way.
Hares on the ice, the trio dutifully drop their shorts and bite some ice. Around the circle comments are made like, average run, great run, too much/too little paper, good checks. Smiling Brown Spider refused to give an opinion on the trail for some reason.
Next up, Seaman Swallow enters the circle with her yellow bin of raffle tickets. Same old faces winning the prizes, Honey Bunny, Bam Bam etc, down downs delivered and drunk, on with the circle.
GM calls upon Honey Bunny, Arse Hopper and Dog Licks its Dick to come in and receive their anniversary tankards, song sung, down downs downed, time to call in Sir T4, place him on ice and drink a special down down for his recent birthday. I hope I get such preferential treatment from the Monday hash when I hit 80 years old! The circle is called to attention by Lone Wolf and Katoy Anal Masturbator to present Seaman Stains a framed certificate in recognition of his involvement with the Care for Kids charity, good on you mate.
Now the fun begins. On in the most majestic Emperor Airhead.
Hares on the ice. The Emperor begins his circle with the bringing up of allegations of paper abuse? The verdict, not guilty, they get away with being hashshit this week, their time will come. Johny Lindal is called in to ride the ice, and to get a hash name. All the suggestions read out, he ends up with the rather appropriate name of Frog Licks Its Dick. His dog is then christened Roxy,superdog. Fini The Faggot on in, for allegations of abusing famous Belgian film stars living in Bangkok and also for wearing a gay dog collar. GM’s circle again, GI Joe, Sqeeze My Tube on in. The GM asked the question about anger management, and then proceeded to tell a joke about Sqeeze My Tube and GI Joe’s toothbrush. An amusing joke for a change, well done GM! Past and present GM’s and visiting GM’s were then invited in for down downs, bless them, they all should’ve looked proud of their Hash GM status, unfortunately they looked more like the bedridden cast from “MASH”.
Sheik MeMe’s circle. The mouthpiece of the Aussie hash contingent starts his circle by icing Stains and Bam Bam, Stains for something to do with the jungles of Pattaya, and BamBam for punching a fat Thai ladyboy because he wouldn’t cough up for services provided ( kee neow!) The hares were iced next, for the obvious reasons, and then next up were Harry’s Porn Star, Jello Butt, GI Joe, Deep Throat and Bangka Blower for the appalling sin of Check Abuse.
GM’s Circle. On in Hell Boy and Harrys Hilton. Hell Boy has finally been found out how he keeps his follicles’ so invisible – he waxes!! Harry’s Hilton lends him a hand with the back sack and crack wax as he can’t reach! Missing Link provides us with a fitting end to a superb afternoon’s entertainment with his hash rendition of “Rawhide”
All in all, a fantastic days hashing, See you next Monday!
ON ON
Running Dick