G’day (1)
There was movement at the station (2) for the word had got around, the Hash from ole Pattaya was on it’s way. (With obvious apologies to Banjo Paterson)
And so it was that I arrived at the A site off Soi Phoenix for another PH3 run and, keeping my word to the GM, who, only last Friday over a beer or three, in one of the more dodgy bars in Banchang, I apparently agreed to be this week’s scribe.
The A site was a familiar one, having run from here only a few short months ago with a different Hash. And having already participated in a couple of runs hared by that grouse sheila (3) MRS. HEAD, I knew this one would be a long runner’s run, especially after she seconded SHIT THROUGH A DUCK to be her co-hare. Now that Hasher can scoot (4)
After some serious pre-run banter, the GM, SPAGHETTI HEAD called the circle to order, issued a few instructions, asked for numbers going to “The Outback Bar”, called in New Shoes and Hangers-on (5) to be dealt with, and then asked the Hares for info on today’s run.
After a quick retort, SHIT THROUGH A DUCK led the pack into a drain to start the run. Now, being an Aussie, I know when a Pommie, especially one from Yorkshire, takes you down into a sewer of sorts, then things are only going to get worse and so it was to happen later during the run. A couple of early long FT’s helped keep the pack together, and I found I was actually running with that sheepshagger from across the ditch (6) ZEAL ZUCKER, who informed me of his being a very honourable person. But I’m sure all the readers know different, as do I.
The checks hidden off the trail, were another devious way to keep the pack together, as was noted by FUCK THE TRUTH, (a name very much synonymous with the Legal profession). The terrain at this stage was quite flat and suited to the many tapioca fields that we were required to traverse quite frequently. It was about this time that I noticed SEAMAN STAINS on trail, which, in itself, is quite remarkable, as we all know that STAINS likes to go off on his own, doing his “bird watching thingy” and never goes on the true trail, but I digress. I then came to the L and S coconuts and, being in the pristine running condition that I am, I took the long trail, whilst about 80% of the pack whimped out and took the “girlies” short trail. This now meant that I was once again at the back of the pack, running on my own, and listening to BELL END calling the trail from a very long long way ahead. I was also following BALL RINGER and his little group, from a distance, which proved to be quite disastrous as they were hardly ever on trail, so I back tracked through another tapioca field, found the trail and I was ON again. I kept running on my own until we were joined by the whimps from the “girlies” run. I managed to catch up to one of the “girlies”, FUZZY LURE, who advised me that LORD LUCAN was last seen going walkabout (7) so would probably get lost and not to expect him back for sometime. I also managed to go past BAM BAM who had blown a tread (8), then across a couple of raging, storm swollen creeks, and then past STAKEOUT who was off to the side of the trail, shaking hands with the unemployed (9).
And after about 65 mins I was able to make it back to the A site.
A nice Hash run on a Monday arvo (10)
A job well done, Hares. Thank you.
Now on to the best part of Hashing, after the run, the drinking with friends, the bullshit flowing, the nodding of heads, only to be broken up by the GM calling the 2nd circle.
The GM called in EMPEROR AIRHEAD for forgetting to return the whiteboard when doing last week’s run report.
SEAMAN SWALLOW then took the circle and did her “raffle” duties, followed once again by our beloved GM, SPAGHETTI HEAD, calling in all the Hashers who had achieved their own personal anniversaries. Well done!
MISERABLE C..T got called in for his birthday on Oct.11th while a selection of returners were next to be singled out. It was then the turn of the “hangers-on”, virgins and leavers to grace us with their presence.
The BAD R.A. EMPEROR AIRHEAD then took over and immediately re-formed the circle, and issued an order to improve the singing. Failure to do so would be severely punishable by “the bucket”.
He then called in FUCKING DOG and rewarded him with a very elegant certificate for accepting the position of “Hash Police Commissioner” to be followed onto the ice by SHEIKH MEME, MISERABLE C..T, ARSE-HOLEO and TURD BURGLER, all nominees for HASH SHIT.
And we all know there is only one HASH SHIT and of course it went to that lovable Sandgroper (11) ARSE-HOLEO. A decision widely accepted by all and sundry.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD then had to depart the circle and his place was taken by SHEIKH MEME, a Cockroach (12) of questionable parentage.
He then called in ARSE HOPPER for sucking up to the Police Commissioner to land a job, followed by the Hares for using coconuts to direct the runners and SHIT THROUGH A DUCK for something about taking/selling drugs in Beijing at the Olympics.
SHEIKH MEME then called in the GM to take some ice time, and asked the visiting GM’s, DIZZY and STAKEOUT to offer some critique on his handling of the hash. All comments were favorable.
Next in was that Kiwi bloke (13), ZEAL ZUCKER for being 1st runner back and G I JOE for being the noisy one on trail.
HELLBOY got iced for being a Funny German…………now there’s a contradiction in terms….a German being Funny……it’ll never happen.
The circle was then handed back to the GM, who iced “THE KING” for going off to the front lines of Iraq, and SIR CHICKEN FUCKER for looking after “THE QUEEN” while he is away.
The GM then called in the hares from the previous day’s Jungle run to confirm that SHIT THROUGH A DUCK ran the Jungle just so he could work out what to do with his run today.
SIR CHICKEN FUCKER then took the circle but I was busting (14), so I missed this part of the evening’s festivities but got back in time to hear BAM BAM sing a song to the Hares.
It was then time for SEAMAN STAINS to lead us in the Hash Hymn, a fitting conclusion to the day’s activities.
“GET A BEER FOR THE BUS”
ON ON
DIZZY
Table of the Aussie Slang used in this report.
1... G'day..............................................Hello
2... Station............................................A big farm or grazing property
3... Grouse Sheila..................................Terrific woman or Very Good Woman
4... Scoot..............................................Run Fast
5... Hangers-on.....................................Visitors
6... Sheepshagger from across the ditch...Someone born in New Zealand
7... Walkabout......................................A long walk in the bush or outback
8... Blown a tread..................................One of his shoes fell apart
9... Shaking hands with the unemployed..A male urinating
10. Arvo...............................................Afternoon
11. Sandgroper.....................................Someone from Western Australia
12. Cockroach.......................................Someone from New South Wales
13. Bloke.............................................Man
14. Busting...........................................Same as Note 9