aaarrghhhhh
Limped down to the Lek and hobbled aboard Jonnies express bus after my crash on Sundays run, out to Soi Chaiyapreuk to a great site close to town with enough parking for all the locals and scenic view over the paddy fields which we don’t see very often anymore. Chicken burgers, Spag rags, Bottomless Piss, Bam Bamand co sign ups. Seaman Stains our fearless leader calls the circle and then the hares Fucking Dog, Arse-a-Holic, Stinky Sloppy Seconds in to tell usabout the run which included the usual info and some fucking dogs and brownscows. Then, as if by command, the heavens opened and the wet season made up for lost time. Down it came with the same consistency as the down downs in the circle. The pack made it to the second check before the run fell apart with only Woo Woo's Ballwasherfinding paper and because of the din couldn’t be heard calling “on on”, he does have a special talent for finding small white things in the grass. All the rest did not finish and wondered in from all directions with various tales of woe. Not enough paper was the general comment and the hares had failed to arrange suitable weather for the PH3. With the hares now in the sights of the RAs, Fucking Dog decided to fuck off and not face the music (which was a wise choice) as his partners in crime wereregulars on the ice. With the departure of most of the cars and their passengers we formed a circle which included those 30 hardy hashers who remained and the GM moved the bus into circle next to the beer truck which worked well as the phon tok continued. The GM then found me on the bus and hands me the old clip board and says “your it” only to find out later that Dog Licks Its Dick had been enlisted earlier and said “look KAM’s doing nothing get him to scribe”. Thanks Dog. Returner’s visitors on in. Captain Kangaroo (who is here as part of his bar stimulus package) Pisspoorer away forty nine weeks Mud Cracker, Big Flaps, Barnacle Bollox who’s been away for two weeks with dog flu and T4 who cant remember why he wasn’t here last week were the few who appeared from the mist for their welcome down downs, using the bus as a refuge those without gaybrellas or oversize condoms enjoyed some respite from the rain when Big Flaps was summoned to the ice for being a loud mouth from the bus.
Anniversaries: Barnacle Bollox 100 run mug which took 30 years to achieve since run number 8 and then Smiling Brown Spider 200 run shield. Spag Head and GI Joe iced for not accepting the vacant GM position which is highly coveted in the right circles and must have brains the same size as a chickens. Me Me says it’s the worst circle he's been in but hopes hes getting better at it as the hares take a seat and asks for thoughts on the run from all and sundry, Cabbage Patch summarises with wet run. Arse-a-Holic was a much better hare when he used to drink and Me Me declares hash shit for the sewerage plant diarrhea run. Dog licks Its Dick is having private circle although is listening to everything and narrowly misses ice time. Ball Ringer takes a seat as he calls on on at the second check like an idiot back on the on out trail. Barnacle Bollox gets a mug for thirty years running and now has no memory of previous runs just one long circle of life. He then sings the Duck song as they love this weather which was very appropriate, he doesn’t mind ice time as his doctor says it’s good for his very large haemeroid. Woo Woo's Ballwasher the only hasher to come in on paper was seen in the distance crawling around in the grass trying to find his balls.
Chicken Fucker on in and seats Me Me for trying to look like Sherlock Holmes with his pipe filled with bum fluff tobacco from boys town and needs an umbrella as he’s got a soggy brain and can only say ‘you you you fuck fuck fuck hares on the ice’ and cannot afford viagra so he uses his pipe on the mamasan to get his cheap thrills. Umbrella holders are gay and are iced. Meanwhile, kamikaze dragon flies drown on mass in the pools of water in the circle and Barnacle Bollox eats them saying they have a high nutritional value. Woo Woos Ballwasher is now super man with his black plastic rubbish cape and gets 20% earnings when there is a hole in one which is like waiting for snow in Pattaya and now likes working for the girl pro’s as he can look up their skirts when the bend over to pick up their balls. Barnacle Bollox then sings the cowboy song.
Me Me seats Captain Kangaroo (who is on the bus trying to cover his face as Ask Him has proudly given the boys a good look at her assets [fun bags]) which was a delight for all when asked about the run the Captain thinks the PH3 must be trying to reduce its carbon footprint as he couldn’t find any paper after the first two clicks and complains about his flight to Pattaya arriving pissed on vintage French champagne and full of Russian caviar and smoked salmon in seat 1A getting a full size bed, massage and head job from the only airline who do give a fuck. Chicken then ices Spag Head who is also a pilot flying DC9s made from timber and cloth which Barnacle Bollox jumped out of into the hands of the Nazis as he thought that was safer. He says the only Ducks flying now are the English cricket team. Katoy Anal Masturbator avoids ice time by flashing his scribe clip board which must be included in future run kits. Dog iced for wearing a used orange condom and told to put on his Sunday best for the exclusive members of the Pattaya Sports club party for the very exclusive social set around town including Miserable Cunt who likes to bend over at these gay social parties and have his fill. The GM calls on the hares to sing us a song and like every previous job they have been assigned they fail again. Then MOM Seaman Stains rescues them by calling upon his comprehensive repertoire and sings the merchant seaman sailors hymn the Baron Line anthem sing a long. GI Joe walks on water like other celebs and leads the throng in the hash hymn. Chicken thanks the real hashers who enjoyed a great night even if the rain didn’t stop until the bus pulled away. On On to TQ2 for more frivolity and pizza which was perfect for soaking up the copious amounts of beer consumed while we danced to good old rock and feasted our eyes on the delights of Thailand. Then the final few stumbled into BJs for a bath with lots of froth and bubbles and Tiger draft to complete an excellent evening that we may have never been able to recall without this report. Disclaimer many of the events referred to may not have occurred and no part of this should be referred to as a factual document.
See you all next week for the Aussie Run, wear your best outfit to win more than just a down down, bring your kids and you’re best looking girlfriend.
ON ON
KAM
Here are a few Clit Face words of wisdom:-
- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- If you lend someone 5,000 Baht and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
- Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
- The second mouse always gets the cheese.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
- You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.
- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- And finally "if things don't change. They will stay as they are".