When GM Seaman Stains wandered over for a friendly chat and asked if I would be today’s scribe I thought, ah fuck this won’t be easy, I only remember my name because it’s written on my shirt but I said yes mate no worries we all have to do our part, and anyway I was going to stand near Bottomless Pit cause he knows everyone.
“A” site not too far out of town. A lovely spot for to picnic, nice area to pull your pants down and sit on ice, piss in the bushes, get drunk, trample the tree’s and scare the shit out of the cattle. A shame the owner of the property didn’t know we were coming, apparently he wasn’t impressed and threatened to return with the police. A few hash characters piss off just in case the Old Bill does turn up but they don’t and the madness goes on.
Circle called, new shoes blessed and the hares Frog Licks it’s Dick and Stinky Sloppy Seconds called in to give vital information about the run, paper white, cattle white, buffaloes black, tree’s green, dogs many, run starts that way now fuck off. 100 meters to the first obstacle, a herd of cattle and we stop waiting for them to decide which way they want to stampede. Cattle charge up the road away from us then stop and look back ready for another run. We run 50 meters to the first check and it takes another 20 minutes, 2 On On calls up the same FT and 2 more stampedes before paper is found fucken miles away from the check. At the third stampede I watch Sheik MeMe and Linguini Weeny run like girls with eyes the size of saucers when the stampeding cattle head their way, there was fresh shit everywhere and not all of it was animal.
Tapioca fields everywhere but no pineapples, no rivers, no mud, no wasps, bees or barbed wire or thorns to scratch my balls on. I got chased by a Fucking Dog but not the Norwegian variety. By the time I get back to the A site nearly everyone is there, a lot of short cutting bastards today. Still don’t know if the grumpy farmer who told people he owned half of Pattaya was coming back with the police so no one is sure if we have to move the A site.
Ah! Fuck him, I get a beer and we get the show on the road. Seaman Stains calls the circle and ices the hares for organizing the fucken wild animal safari. But overall a good run.
Plenty of ice that needs a few bare asses on it so Seaman Swallow starts the raffle and we all know that you don’t talk when she is in control. Sir Chicken Fucker, Bombastic, Lord Lucan, Big Nosed Bastard, Ringworm all iced for being noisy bastards.
Heap of prizes today but the prize of the day was a free trip to the bucket and a double down down won by a sexy lady who could have donated it to her favourite punter but took it on the chin (don’t the ladies love that?) and sank her lovely butt into the deep end of the bucket. She had to vacate the bucket to allow 2 noisy frogs in for their weekly tub.
Sir Chicken Fucker enters the circle in his best Emperor Airhead disguise and promptly ices Apache, Bombastic and Bloody Mary from the Malacca Hash, begs Bloody Mary for some skin but she declines.
Hares iced again for pissing off the farmer. Who The Fuck is Alice is next on the ice and threatens to drop her duds and the lights go out automatically, lights back on and WTF is Alice has her bag of tricks and proposes to an underage Apache who is iced with his new fiancé, Alice throws a mosquito net over her melon, plonks a tiara on top and looks like a half melted wedding cake. Apache is showered with expensive gifts, used condoms and lamps, the wedding song is sung and a lap of honour is done. You lucky bastard!
The ceremony is consummated with a sloppy kiss and the happy couple leave the circle.
Apache later files for divorce when his new stunner is caught shagging Sir Chicken Fucker on the ice.
Big Nosed Bastard and Ringworm on the ice again for having bad habits they can’t break.
Pinkaboo, Squeeze My Tube, Queen Stella and Bloody Mary iced because they look good on the ice.
Returners in next, closely followed by the silent non singing bastards, the French.
PNG visitors Slab, Daisy, Tung 'n' Groove, 3 Dogs, Wanking, Skrote and Deep Throat in for a down down. Apache, Long Bean, Bombastic, Bloody Mary in again.
Greyhound in for his 100th run, instead of an engraved mug we will be getting him an engraved 10 piece bucket from KFC and served with potato and gravy and a large fries. Stinky Sloppy Seconds 10 hared runs, well done!
Free Willy’s 56th birthday? Must be a fountain of youth in the backyard.
Sir Chicken Fucker puts a basket on his head and seduces WTF is Alice on the ice, performs several Karma Sutra moves, not sure who got the greatest benefit from the use of the basket.
Helix iced for being the best looking person at the Lucky Star Bar even though it was 4 am and he was the only one there.
Dirty Pussy in the bucket for not singing and Linguini Weeny iced for being noisy.
Sheik MeMe takes over and abuses the bus hermits who are hiding from the police, tells a joke and ices anyone he knows.
GM Seaman Stains iced for going to Ireland for 5 weeks of rain and enjoying it.
Hares on the ice for not having a Hash song for us and SCF steps in with a song to save them from disgrace.
PNG boys sing the Hash Hymn to perfection
Bus beers grabbed and off to The Outback Bar for icy cold neck oil, no food today because the GM forgot to call from Ireland and order it and the Outback Bar boss was on Koh Larn.
I tried to get a couple of breasts and thighs to nibble on but she said fuck off and anyway brewers droop had set in so I decided to save the cash for another outing, ordered a Singha and sat there listening to Bam Bam and Miserable Cunt butcher a few songs.
OnOn
Rear Gunner