Not wanting to take any chances, Bottomless Pit (the best brew master in the world) took an alternative route to the A-site, avoiding the police check gauntlet at the mouth of Soi Wat Huay Yai, and thus averting another 500 baht fine for having "too much ice" on the beer truck. I myself didn't even slow down to make the corner coming off of Sukhumvit for fear of being flagged down by one of Pattaya's finest in uniform. There was no talk of any other infractions by the hashers, so perhaps the Vikings had cleared the way for us this week. After all, it was Norwegian Day and all the hares were wearing their Lief Erickson attire. Looking the part of the HORNY Norwegians they are, one has to wonder where those horns had been since they all had black tips and Odd Job's were even sporting some blood !
As the circle is formed, a moment of silence is given for our dear departed friend Fuck and Forget. Our illustrious Grand Master, Hell Boy, takes care of the usual business of new shoes and virgins, then calls in all 47 Hares (only a slight exaggeration) to explain the run. Of course, Odd Job is the only one who really knows the run, but Rasputin leads us off in the right direction. It's an excellent run encompassing all forms of adversity. We run uphill, downhill, in the heat of the sun and the cool of the jungle. We were at the tops of hills with vista views of Pattaya and in the lowest gullies where only Swamp Rats would go. There's something for everyone with briars, brambles and shiggy, and of course we all like it a little bit wet, so we got a little soggy too. Odd Job always seems to find the biggest and oldest tree in the forest, and he runs us by an iconic giant that makes us imagine the grandeur of the jungle from days gone by. It was another world class run.
Back at the beer truck and the Norwegians have gone all out again. Pissed Pole Dancer is pouring punch that not only tastes great but packs a wallup as well. And, of course, plenty of those classic Viking sandwiches of scrambled egg and Norwegian salmon for all to enjoy.
Hell Boy calls the circle and immediately ices Cheaper Than MeeMee who doesn't like his name. No one can think of anything that's cheaper than that, so lucky for him, he gets to keep his name. A note from the wise to any of you fools who think you don't like your name ... it can always get worse! The 47 Hares (none of them virgins, much to the dismay of Muslims everywhere!) get duly iced. Every Norwegian wants to be a Viking on Odd Jobs crew, but there's only so many horns to go around.
The raffle is started and Helix just can't help himself and gets bucketed immediately. General Kidney Wiper tries to force a win by giving a fake ticket number and gets punished by parking it on the ice. Our "good?" Religious Advisor Sir Airhead takes the circle and honors all the 47 Hares with a beer on the ice. He notes how all the different nationalities have been good to the Hash, especially the Norwegians on their day, but warns us since the Krone' is dropping, it's salmon this year but maybe sardines for next !
Hell Boy takes back the circle and ices all the lazy Norwegians for not helping Odd Job and his crew. The returnees not seen for a while are called in, and Yanking's Wanker instinctively sits in the bucket before being told to. Sir Uncle Fester gets called, but he got pissed off at everybody and has left early. Pinky was back, but he's sure to be pissed any moment and leaving shortly! All the leavers get iced, lyin' or not ... good riddance! Hell Boy then ices Miserable Cunt who's been on a weeks drunk with Scar w/2 T's. Miserable Cunt gets Hash Shit for forgetting his Medic Kit, but he's lucky he remembered to cum at all!
Lord Chicken Fucker then struts his stuff and ices Icy and Ice Cream, the nurse capable of curing all ills! Next all the little nuggets are iced (that's Chicken Nugget and his young boy friends). The Lord notes that each one is obviously well fed as they are matched up with their fat dads. Odd Job is one poor kid's surrogate dad and Lord Chicken Fucker ices himself realizing he may have known another kid's mother!
Next, G.I. Joe gets bucketed. Then, the lights dim and it gets really scary as Who's Fucking Alice gets mostly naked and dives onto G.I. Joe, raping him in the bucket and melting all the ice! G.I. Joe looks like he just finished boot camp, but seeing the gleam in Alice's eyes, that's only a taste of what's 2 CUM!
Crazy Pussy, Torpedo Tits and Black Hole are iced for getting fake passports with stamps from any country to impress their friends by showing off their worldly travels. V.V. tells me one cracks name may be Pussy Snapper, then Tampax says "No, it's Pussy Slapper", and another Hasher says, "Pussy ... where?!". Lord Chicken Fucker then ices Arse O'Holic for being the only Norwegian who still can't speak English.
Hell Boy takes the reins again and ices some cracks he claims are "real" virgins (as if he'd know!). Bam-Bam slides in and ices Lord Chicken Fucker and points out according to his new 1000 Run shirt, his real name is "Lord Chicken Fcuker", none of us know what a "Fcuker" is, but it can't be good! Bam Bam then chastises the Lord for liking young girls!? (don't we all!?). Sir Fucking Dog gets iced, Pissed Pole Dancer cums to his aide and they talk about the first thing to pop up as she sits on his lap. Helix, Doesn't Touch The Sides and some more poor saps get iced and given large golden condom-like rods to wear over their arms. Then they are all made to take off their shirts ... Bam Bam is really showing his darker "walk on the wild" side now! The idea is to drink a down-down with the stiff golden condom making your arm rigid. Bam Bam now starts randomly icing people and making them disrobe. Hell Boy and Miserable Cunt are made to wear the golden condoms and they look like butt-buddies ready for the fister bar! Hell Boy is the only Hasher thus far who actually manages to get the down-down in his mouth from 3 feet away. Our industrious Grand Master takes the circle back and immediately ices Bam Bam and gives him a double fister, two golden condoms, one on each arm, which Bam Bam promptly pleasures in pouring both his down-downs all over his face.
It's nearing the end of the debauchery and the Hares are called on to sing us a song. It seems all 47 Vikings banded together and wrote a song. They then got someone they thought spoke English to translate it. It basically went, "Badda,Badda,Badda ... I've been drinking ... Badda,Badda,Yabba,Dabba,Dabba ...my wallet is empty ... I've been drinking again !" After a few more refrains it's over and Hell Boy asks Miserable Cunt to CUM in the circle, we all wince, but Luckily the Cunt orders pots on the floor and starts off the Hash Hymn. Another great circle ends and it's off to the T.Q. to get more abuse by mean waitresses, meaner girls, and, of course, cheap hot dogs and expensive drinks!
On-On
Icy Davidson