Imbibebus Maximus Elephantus
Tuesday morning and the street dogs have woken me up. Makes a pleasant change from some of the bitches I have known. I usually feel like shit on this day because of the Hash the day before. Normally I leave early because I do not want to drink too much Chang “Imbibebus Maximus Elephatus!” then drive, but that all changed yesterday.
“Annus Horrendus!”
This has nothing to do with Sir Free Willy on the ice, but was how Queen Elizabeth described one bad year. “Septum Dies Atroxius” is how I would describe my last week. Still no job. My daughter ended up in hospital and BUPA would not pay, as I am not with my old company anymore. No coverage so 70,000 baht out of pocket. And just when you feel it cannot get any worse, Scar with 2 Ts, sidles over to me after the run, gives me a cuddle and asks me to be this week’s scribe. (It’s the cuddle I am talking about). This was the reason I stayed to the end of the circle and drank too much.
The early part was easy.
Ball Ringer and Bell End were the hares. It was a good run, with a walker’s trail thrown in for the faint of heart.
I shot the shit with Sir Spag, RSB, Marathon Man and Golden Dildo and because we were extra faint of heart and not Braveheart, went a shorter route. The hares tried to throw us off by positioning an ONION sign, but with our combine street savvy of “Sexaginta Annuses” we figured it was actually ON ON and had nothing to do with onions.
The A-site was spacious and with a lake next to it, so the cooling down period was most enjoyable.
The GM called the circle together and Bottomless Pit (the best brew master in the world according to Google and Yahoo) gave me a clip board to make some notes on. For those of you who have never been a scribe let me inform you that making hash notes is a complete waste of time and they are useless. It ranks alongside male nipples; the coccyx; the appendix and arrector pili (no he is not a footballer). The reason is the more amber nectar you imbibe the more undecipherable your notes become. Especially the next day. Now if the hash could spend some of their ill gotten gains on a Dictaphone, we would then be moving into the “Viginti Primoris Century.” Unfortunately, I feel that it might not work in my case, as I have heard my voice on an answering machine and it was unintelligible, and that was without a drink. Although maybe the hash could supply me with one of those little Thai hash dolly birds and she could repeat what I say into the Dictaphone. Although this also could be fraught with problems and would probably just be plenty of “mai kao jai!”and “Billy mao putt paa-saa anggrit!”
Moving on and it was raffle time with Sir Free Willy or as Emperor Airhead tagged him, The Donald Trump of Hashing. As usual great prizes and I was amazed when the first winner did not choose the television. Lone Wolf was the lucky winner.
Emperor Airhead iced the Three Stooges in the form of Friar Fudge, Spanky and Ratso who are all happily married. It makes a change to hear a story with a “Sanukus Anus!”
Then it was time for the Red Revolution. You know what I am talking about! No notes needed here, because I did not want to waste time writing and avert my “Pervertus Eyeballus!” away from the Russian Rubles of Pattaya. Cat woman and Elena. I guess they miss that cold Russian weather and have to get that bare buttock flesh on the ice to get rid of that homesick feeling. We have plenty of cold weather in Scotland, but the coldest concession I would endure, to get rid of any homesickness, would be to go and play in the polystyrene snow in the TQ on Christmas day.
If we had been on a boat, instead of dry land, we would have toppled over and sunk, as most of the “Hashus Pervertus!” ran round to the back of the ice for a better view. This was much more nimble than I had ever seen some of these guys manage on an actual run. Although the action on the ice was heating up, the circle was getting rowdier. Two miscreants were ET and Golden Dildo who were iced for not paying attention. Seemingly they were still discussing the attributes of the previous icing.
Scar with 2Ts had trouble getting returners in. I do not know why, because it is a free down down. But he cracked the whip and the jumping was inaugurated. When he called for the Versions, I did understand the Virgins dilemma.
It was good to see Sir Pullus Pucker back in action. He endorsed his randy reputation and by popular demand, brought in the burgundy buttocked Ruskies again, along with usual assorted miscreants.
I have not a clue as to what really happened after this. My notes have various words, but I cannot say for sure what they mean.
A few one liners are:-
Scarlet’s girlfriend has a bigger dick than him.
ET who has always favoured the Bobby Charlton look, but with a blue rinse, is now going to Lone Wolf’s hairdresser.
Finger Fuck has no piles as they have been massaged out.
Fanny Cunt has gay shoes.
Katoy Kamoy lost everything before, now lose wallet.
Friar Fudge came in covered in black.
If you can make sense of them well done. If not, don’t worry, be happy.
Points of note were Bell End achieved 200 runs and Banka Blower 150 runs. Well done to both of you.
I know a lot more happened and I seemed to remember the Sex is Boring Song, but not sure if I imagined it or not.
Anyway, as always another good hash.
Thanks to The Carousel Bar for Hash Happy hour. It was your first and hope it went well. I could not make it, but I know the hashers who did would be appreciative of your hospitality.
On On,
General Kidney Wiper