It's another Monday afternoon in the Land of Smiling, Illiterate Geriatrics. And of course in Pattaya Monday's a hashing day. So I find myself on Second Road at around 2:50pm. waiting for Johnny and the hash bus. A small crowd has gathered by 3, but no Johnny and the hash bus. Shortly after 3 Bangka Blower arrives to inform everyone that from the 1st of October (which is today) the bus will be leaving at the new time of 3:30pm., not 3 o'clock. So I have a 45 minute wait. Should I splurge on another ice cream or not? Just before 3:30, Johnny arrives. But apparently he's f**ked the old bus and we are greeted by the big yellow monster. We arrive at the A-site and the hares have f**ked up the A-site and had to move it at the last minute 400 meters down the road. A good start to the day.
Our new GM, Wankings Wanker, strolls up to me and asks if I could be the scribe. Apparently he's already asked a few others and they all said 'no'. I said that I could but that as a High School Principal I always did all my writing at my desk. So I said that if I could sit down during the circle and do the scribing, would that be alright. To which the new GM replied 'of course'. Isn't it great to have a native-English speaking American GM that you can actually talk to and negotiate with?? So I found a nice blue, plastic chair to sit on and a clipboard and paper from Bottomless Pit. So, I started to do some writing before the run. The new GM calls the circle at around 4:40. The hares are brought in and explain the run. Veteran hare Barnacle Bollox and his Aussie virgin co-hare. Barnacle Bollox explains that the run starts 400 meters up the road where the original A-site was. He says he'll walk with us to make sure we all get started in the right direction. He also mentions there's one white coconut at the end of one of the 4 false trails. Whoever gets the coconut wins a bottle of Scotch whiskey. As we leave the temporary A-site, the first thing I notice is that one of the hares has written NO-NO on the Wat Huay Yai Road. I'm thinking this was probably supposed to be ON-ON, but in this case NO-NO is much more appropriate. I'm thinking Barnacle Bollox should know better. This will either be Hash Shit or Hash Trash later in the second circle. And, of course, it was. Before the run we were also presented with a huge sign left behind by the Pattaya Jungle Monkey hares the previous weekend. A quick perusal of the sign indicated that all the words were spelled correctly, so the guilty person must have been the American, Jello Butt. Wendy, sometimes known as Ball Ringer, couldn't possibly spell that well so he was let off the hook.
We had a 5-minute walk down the road and the new GM, Wankings Wanker, pointed us into the forest for the start of the run. Through the tapioca and across the river, through the tapioca and across the river, through the tapioca and across the river, through yet more tapioca and across yet another river, down the false trail. Someone told me this was the third false trail, but it was the first one I had run down. When you reach the age of 60+, you become more selective about how many false trails you run down. Except G.I. Joe, of course. He never learns, but he does call on-on. This was a great false trail. Not only did I catch all the front runners, I was actually THE front runner for a few seconds. And nobody had found the white coconut. We ran through more tapioca and crossed more rivers. Very soon Mudcracker came flying past me like that South African double amputee Olympic athlete. Or as he was all dressed in black, he could have been mistaken for Usain Bolt. He knew that the white coconut was at the end of the next false trail and it was his for the taking. Sure enough back at the end of the run, he was standing there with the white coconut clutched in his sweaty palms. Well done, Mudcracker. There was no on-in sign, but we could see the cars from the top of a hill. When I got in, I first noticed that Really Sadistic Bastard was already there. Of course, he had short-cutted on his 500th run. Some things never change.
I thought it was a very good run and with that hard and long third false trail, I finished just behind the front runners in around 45 minutes. Just in front of me were young Mudcracker, young Seal Sucker and young Lone Wolf. Except for the NO-NO at the start of the run, well done Barnacle Bollox and your Virgin!! Velcro Dick finishes the whole run in about 1 1/2 hours. Just as he arrives the new GM, Wankings Wanker, calls the second circle. I'm seated comfortably on my blue plastic chair and ready to do some scribing. Horse is iced. I don't know what he did, but I'm sure it was thoroughly deserved. Some things never change!! Barnacle Bollox is next. He claims he was on Run #8 as his defence. It is noted there were 64 runners today, probably because Hellboy is absent. Whenever he's absent, the numbers go up. The new GM says f**k, f**k, f**k. He speaks English just like the German. He mentions that nobody got shot on the run and that this was good. Mudcracker brings in the white coconut and Barnacle Bollox presents him with his bottle of Scotch whiskey. This is the end of the Hash Sheet as that terrible Australian, Horse stole my executive chair. No sit down, no scribe!!!! Actually in the original handwritten version of this hash sheet, I used some very descriptive adjectives to describe the Horse. I have toned it down here in the hopes that some women and children might be reading this.
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So, what happened after my retirement? First of all my First Executive Assistant, Try A Fuck, decided he would sit down in a very nice chair and continue the scribing process. For this offence, he was put on the ice. When he couldn't come up with a better excuse, he was put in the bucket. Next my Second Executive Assistant, Robbing Bastard, decides he'll have a go at scribing. For this offence, he is iced. He even brings the clipboard onto the ice and continues scribing whilst sitting on the ice. I would like to translate for you what these two guys wrote whilst pretending to be the scribe: !@#$%^&*_+?()+=*&^%$. And there's more of the same. It goes on and on and on. Both these guys come from the same Little Island in the North Atlantic just off the northwest coast of Europe.
So what really happened? From memory: General Kidney Wiper took the circle for a long time and did a great job. I never know if his new name should be Sir General Kidney Wiper or General Sir Kidney Wiper. However I've known Billy for nearly thirty years, so I'll just call him GKW. He first ices Really Sadistic Bastard for his 500th run. After he's on the ice for a while, GKW tells him to kneel down. After he has knelled down for a while, GKW tells him to pull his pants up as he is mooning the people around the beer truck. After he pulls his pants up and kneels down again, GKW gives him a new name: Sir Bastard. The last guy to reach 500 runs was Miserable Cunt. And what was his new name? Sir MC. What is the Pattaya Hash coming to? And who will be the next guy to reach 500 runs? Warrant Officer 2 Joe Ruzicka. And what will his new name be? Sir Asshole. Wait, wait, sorry. When Joe came to Pattaya we named him G.I. Joe, then we changed it to Allah's Asshole. But then we changed it back again to G.I. Joe. So his new name will be Sir Joe. Now there's a name you can write in the Hash Sheet or any newspaper. You could even introduce him to your family. How would you like to introduce those other two guys to your family? Hi mum, I'd like to introduce you to one of my friends from Pattaya, Sir Cunt. Or Hi mum, I'd like to introduce you to one of my Scottish friends from Pattaya, Sir Bastard. GKW then ices all the American for losing something called the Ryder Cup. I don't play golf and I don't follow golf, except for the occasional peak at Tiger's ex-wife. I'd much rather talk about the World Series (of Baseball) where the American always win. Actually for those who might not know, a Canadian team won once. The next year the American politicians added an Amendment to the Constitution whereby it became illegal for a Canadian team to ever win the World Series again. So in the 21st century, an American team has always won the World Series. Now this is a game played by adults and is not to be confused with the Little League World Series. This is a baseball game played by children between the ages of 8 and 12 and had recently been won by Japan, Mexico, Taiwan, Cuba, South Korea, Venezuela and probably other minor countries which are definitely not the U.S.A. However in Barrack Obama's election speeches he has promised that if he is re-elected as President he will add another Amendment to the Constitution whereby it will be illegal for any other country except the U.S.A. to ever win the Little League World Series again. So from 2013 onward, the U.S.A. will not only win the World Series it will also win the Little League World Series. And if we don't win the next Ryder Cup, we'll just take our golf ball and go home and who will Europe play with then????
The new GM, Wankings Wanker calls the circle to a close and announces we will have Socialist drinking until the beer runs out. Well done, Wankings Wanker..
Your scribe,
just E.T.
Oh one more thing. When Free Willy heard that today was Really Sadistic Bastard's 500th run, he actually phoned him up from the Island he's presently living on and asked for his credit card number and if he'd like to buy a new set of golf clubs. Some things never change.