Mega turnout, hares SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT and V.V. preside over late start around 5pm, short run so no issue with light, no water hazards despite V.V. involvement, first few checks kept the pack together then the front runners were away. Good to see KEE MAH on the run, whilst fellow Canadians grace the car park. SHITHOUSE visiting from Hong Kong is doom and gloom at the passing of hashers over the previous year DRIBBLE, BOF and VOMIT. Back at the A site GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER informs DR DOOM died previous week following motor bike accident. Can’t imagine not seeing these stand out guys again they are obviously on a recce ahead getting to know the best bars for when we meet again in the not so distant future.
Big circle, the coffin dodgers can’t get their chairs into the multitude so sit in the dark outside. Santa appears disguised to look like EMPEROR AIRHEAD assisted by a fat elf in the form of SIR FREE WILLY. Kids and cracks invited into circle, Santa takes particular interest in the more attractive cracks. A few pressies handed out then free for all with much gouging and biting as the assembled multitude descend upon the gifts, all gone in a moment, blink and you missed it, welcome to Thailand.
MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY wanders uninvited into the circle and sits in the bucket – the drinking has finally taken its toll.
RAFFLE:
Winners LONE WOLF, SPERM POLLUTER, BILLION SUCKER, DOESN’T TOUCH THE SIDES, GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER, BARNACLE BOLLOCKS, SIR MC, LINEAR ACCELERATOR, BELLE, NURSE RETSHIT, NO MORE CUM, FREEFALL, SIR FREE WILLY and a mystery crack. The only thing of note was GENERAL KIDNEY WIPER did not choose alcohol.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD high Priest direct from the TQ temple of mammon takes the circle. Whinny voices call “how will it be O great one, how will it be? Will the gates of the temple be split asunder, shall we perish at this inauspicious time? There followed much wailing, grinding of teeth and ripping of clothing”. ‘Shut the fuck up’ sayeth the great man, here begineth the lesson:
Hares SIR BOTTOMLESS PIT and V.V. iced as Euro trash, good run declared. CABBAGE PRINCESS and LITTLE WHITE DOVE bucketed for discipline in the classroom issues, spare the rod and spoil the child, daddies CABBAGE HEAD and RUNNING BARE invited to join sprogs in the bucket for impromptu PTA meeting. SPAG HEAD invited into circle to show off new face lift by Michael Jackson’s surgeon, even at this early stage of healing the resemblance to SPAG’s hero, Mr Adolf ‘Mein Fuhrer’ HIlter, is unmistakable, second stage consists of plastic nose with elastic retainer and hair transplant followed quickly by fatal drug overdose or assignation whichever comes sooner. Virgins Tavier Robertson, Harry Robertson, and Lars Petersson in the bucket for being Cheap Charlies and not buying/wearing Hash T shirt. Virgin cracks Tan Hang Sip and Anika Larsson invited to stand in circle as example of hash shirt wearing solidarity.
SCAR W/2T’s instantly buckets LITTLE TOMMY TULIP for the crime of being SCAR’s friend.
LORD CHICKEN FUCKER ices REAR GUNNER the Quaint Arse Trolley Dolly as it’s his/her birthday, mega cake appears to be enjoyed by all.
WANK-KINKG'S WANKER takes circle:
Brings in SQUEEZE MY TUBE our transport pixie for 300 runs, at which point shit happens, object(s) are thrown in W.W’s general direction. SCAR, Tavier Robertson and Harry Robertson iced, but are they guilty? ARSEHOLEO iced for suggesting bent stick is a Boomerang, is the culprit Oz? WEE JIMMY eventually fingered as owner of stick, Hobbits staff or Wizards wand we do not know.
CRAZY PUSSY, REAR GUNNER, FESTERING STREAKER, HONEY BEAR, and POCAHONTAS also get awards. At which point the crowd spontaneously surge into the circle, tear W.W. limb from limb and throw the pieces into the lake (I can’t actually remember this bit as I was a bit far gone, but it’s in my notes so it must have happened).
SCAR takes the circle, ices all the Norwegians for beating the Dutch at football in some obscure competition.
LORD CHICKEN FUCKER takes circle:
Ices all cracks who have been grazing to excess outside the circle whilst millions starve worldwide. ARSEHOLEO licks the ices where the cracks were sitting seems he’s desperate for stimulus since getting married. GIVE ME ONE and IM LAO iced for lesbian alliance? SCAR iced for paying Baht 150 hash fee for BELL STAR when it should be Baht 350, precedent suggests SIR RSB could also pay Baht 150 if he gets cut, some deep thought required by WEE JIMMY. Tavier Robertson and Harry Robertson and accompanying cracks iced, something to do with used condoms and silicon tits. WEE MOANING WEASEL iced for not being able to control his mobile phone. FESTERING STREAKER and DIRT LOONEY iced for being a gay couple that were ‘on fire’ in the TQ 13 years ago. SHIT MY PANTS, CABBAGE HEAD and POL DANCER iced? MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I’M GAY again wanders into circle uninvited and sits in the bucket, collection started for trip to Belgian euthanasia clinic. ARSEHOLEO and MRS ARSEHOLEO iced as nobody can believe that someone would marry ARSEHOLEO let alone have his children. MRS ARSEHOLEO admits she wouldn’t mind children as long as ARSEHOLEO isn’t the father, marriage is blessed by hash.
NO MORE CUM:
Ices SEXY BUM, SPECIAL PRICE, LONE WOLF and LITTLE TOMMY TULIP. Seems LONE WOLF has shacked up with a woman, SHOCK – HORROR and is to be renamed PUSSY CAT for the remainder of the night. NO MORE CUM definitely prefers to be alone, personal hygiene issues suggested. SEXY BUM’s facebook assertions are that women like sensitive men, whereas NO MORE CUM isn’t the foreplay type. LITTLE TOMMY TULIP, SPERM POLLUTER, WEE MOANING WEASEL and CABBAGE HEAD all iced for accusations of bugging some German retard’s (NO MORE CUM? ) phone. SIR FREE WILLY in bucket for pointing out that NMC is from the Midlands.
STEPTOE:
Ices MENTAL DISORDER as next weeks scribe. SEXY BUM previously asked scribe for a ‘good write up’ in the hash notes. Scribe (STEPTOE) invites her to strip or other noteworthy event for write up. SEXY BUM goes skin for the ice and is seen ‘shakin’ that arse, shakin’ that arse’, much appreciated by all.
Hare song is in German, something about German’s take it up the arse doo dah!
On-On! Steptoe