Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent as the scribe got too loaded during the circle and can’t read his writing anymore.
Gangreen: This is the city: Pattaya, Chonburi, 20150….. I work here. I'm a scribe.
Cue The Music……
Springtime for Hitler and Germany, Winter for Poland and France
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Come on, Germans, go into your dance
I was born in Düsseldorf
And that is why they call me Rolf
Don't be stupid, be a smarty
Come and join the Nazi party
Yes, ladies and gentlemen…. It’s that time of year when the Germans take over our beloved Pattaya Hash House Harriers. As any student of history well knows, the Germans have a bad habit of trying to ‘take over things’ (like Europe for example) usually without much success. But this time it was different. How? You might ask.
Welllllll…. ”FREE FOOD”.
Is there any other way to attract so many Hashers and visitors out to a Hash Run during the monsoon season? Us Hashers probably don’t know too much about anything, but we do know what we like and the culinary caper that was provided to us by our very generous fellow Hashers was brilliant. As is usually the case in Thailand, the ladies did most of the work and thanks to LADY SNAKE for cooking all day. Hot dogs, 2 types of bread, salami and of course cheese was presented to us very undeserving wankers and a big thank you goes out to STUPID KRAUT KUNT, VIETNAMESE VIOLATOR, BAHT BUS GESTAPO, and TURD BURGLAR.
You may be wondering why TURD BURGLAR is amongst all those Teutonic people. When asked by your humble scribe why he was with those people, he told me that he “had a little German in him” (which if you knew TURD BURGLAR could mean anything). As we have long suspected about our TURD BURGLAR, he is the last surviving member from a almost extinct species of hominid left over from the “Homo Erectus” era…… it’s kinda like evolution, only in reverse. Guess he just wanted to belong.
Due to a previous commitment, I wasn’t able to be my usual front running self during the run portion of the day. To most Hashers it was a great run, to some Hashers it was a interminable trudge and to the “Beer Hunters” is was… ”One more large Change please” before heading back to the A-Site for the serious beer drinking part of the program. Again to all the Hares, thanks for all your hard work and generosity. It was another great, great Pattaya Hashing day!!!!
The intermission part of today’s run went into overtime as the food lineup was never ending which also meant that the second circle was going to be abbreviated to make our commitment to Nicky’s Bar. About 10 minutes after the second circle had started, the GM pranced over to me asking me to scribe today’s run. Since I usually don’t pay attention to what’s going on around me, this scribe report may appear to be crappier than usual.
One of the problems with having large crowds is the part about trying to get them all together and shut up……. it’s very similar to herding a kindle of kittens or trying to control a group of cranky 2 year olds. As being a nice guy didn’t seem to work, our GM finally got everyone’s attention with the threats of icing and bucketing. So of course the first order of the day was to ice the Hares. As mentioned above, everyone considered it to be a great run and gave it two thumbs up.
Now this is where we usually have our weekly Raffle hosted by FREE WILLY. But today, FREE WILLY was missing in action. Never did find out exactly why he was a no show for today’s run but I suspect it’s because WILLY and his people have had ‘issues’ with the Germans in the past and he didn’t want to take any chances. Some would call it bunkering down. Not to be denied, EMPEROR AIRHEAD decided to have his own kind of lottery as a cheap substitute for FREE WILLY. Like any Thai lottery, I was never really sure about what was happening or the rules but the ‘winner’ got a piece of cardboard and some book about an American's “Hell” in the Bangkok Hilton which is probably on everyone’s ‘must read list’ when they need a good cheering up.
Once AIRHEAD regained his senses, it was time to welcome all of our many visitors, virgins and other sorts of disgustingly young people. People tried to listen but had one ear on AIRHEAD and the other eye on those ice blocks. As we all know, AIRHEAD is very good at speaking ‘lingua franca’ with all our nervous visitors. (Ed. Note: Lingua Franca is a language that is adopted as a common language between speakers whose native languages are different like our Hash speak). The best part about icing people is the fact that means that you’re not on the ice and I do believe AIRHEAD takes a certain gleefulness in icing and welcoming the ‘newbies’ to the Pattaya Hash in our style.
Next on AIRHEAD’s agenda was to bring in NECROPHiLIA NIGHT RIDER. Last Monday, a group of us went out bar hopping and some time that evening NIGHT RIDER had lost his phone. Did he become ‘phonely’ (which is being lost without a phone)? Most of us would a least make an attempt to find the lost phone but our NIGHT RIDER just went out and bought a new phone. AIRHEAD had found the phone and kept waiting for NIGHT RIDER to call the phone looking for it’s location. End result is that AIRHEAD had to carry NR’s phone around in his pants pocket for three days. Don’t think NIGHT RIDER asked for the phone back…..probably because it had been in AIRHEAD’s front pants pocket for three days and three nights. This anecdote sure seemed funnier went I was watching it…sigh..
GM took back the circle and got all nostalgic on us. With the return of long time Hasher ‘ANTIQUE’ the other old timers were called into the circle. AIRHEAD on run 27, TESTICLES run 33, HELIX run 98, ANTIQUE and TADPOLE as well. Note to GM… nobody likes to look at a bunch of old people.
Then it was the usually discombobulated WANK-KING'S WANKER turn to have the circle. With WANK-KING'S WANKER, we have come to appreciate a job well not done. If he doesn’t know what’s coming, he certainly senses it. It was award time with POCKET SOCKET celebrating her 50 Runs and someone who seriously needs to get a life our GM MENTAL DISORDER being awarded for haring 40 Runs. (WOW!!)
We also had a couple of birthday girls namely TADPOLE and SQUEEZE MY TUBE who still has that new bride ‘glow’. The birthday cake presented by PINKABOO who when asked if she had anything bad to say about the birthday ladies all she could say was that they were her best friends. Guess they had never borrowed any money from PINKABOO.
Then STUPID KRAUT KUNT had a lucid moment and organized some kind of tug of war game. It was 15 minutes of organized confusion with all the Thai girls getting 100 Baht when it was all over…. funny how the Thai ladies always seem to end up with the money.
As it was getting late and more importantly most of the beer had been consumed it was time for the Hare Song. It’s amazing that after over 1700 runs, so many hares have never ever heard about a song that would be required from them and had nothing prepared. Luckily STEPTOE stepped up and did a great rendition of that old classic “Do You F*ck On First Date”….brilliant as usual.
With the singing of the Hash Hymn and a quick whizz, we all boarded the baht buses for the ride back to Pattaya and Nicky's Bar for more beer and good eats.
And a friendly reminder that our next Run #1704 on Oct. 31 is the Halloween Run. There will be prizes for best male, female and/or other costumes. Always a great time and you know that wearing a woman’s dress is something you’ve always wanted to do. Consider it therapy and releasing your inner “Caitlyn Jenner”.
On-On! Gangreen