Aaaaaaaaaarrrggghhhhh....... I don't even remember if I paid my TQ bar bill.
The usual suspects gather at the Buffalo holding onto the bar with their chosen poison. A fast baht bus trip out on the 36 to the Shell turn off to a recognisable piece of country, although plenty of development since I hared here with Buddha a few years ago.
WEE JIMMY invites me on the much revered Beer Hunters Run as the circle is called. Then acting GM THE WIZARD greets me with a message received from GM MENTAL on April Fools Day saying that I would scribe today, a vague recollection of a drunken conversation comes to mind.
GM welcomes no new shoes and the hares ODD-JOB, LIBERACE and FERRY QUEEN who is MIA suffering from a continued case of shaggers back. The hares mumble on about the run, then ODD paints his hand red and holds up some paper and we are off.
Leaving the Beer Hunters to their own devices, as scribe I feel obliged to run, well at least walk the trail. Under the cloudy sky with a continuous rumbling of thunder and sporadic lightning strikes we ventured into the jungle. First some typical tapioca and coconut plantations then into a bamboo forest which went down into a darkened river bed completely covered with all types of jungle foliage, with a menagerie of bird noises it sounded like a sixties Tarzan movie. A cleverly placed rope enabled the climb up the steep muddy bank back into the light again!
With the loudest crack-boom, lightning struck very close to the trail and everyone screamed except the cracks who were busy hunting and gathering bags full of nomai bamboo shoots to go with their green mangoes and other leaf litter. I noticed as I followed the cracks how practical their elastic leotards were for bending over to pick up these picnic treats.
Through some unspoiled jungle, past a mysterious sunken swamp we continued as the thunder grumbled. Out of the coconut plantation into pineapple fields and a flat walk to the on in.
Chips, watermelon and bananas were there to welcome us and cold Leos. The runners, the walkers, the Beer Hunters and the picnickers all settled into their patches as WILLY sold tickets, WANK-KING'S collated meta data and VV had his selection of baguettes. I had his homemade boar pate which was outstanding, the curried chicken and brie all sold out as the circle was called.
THE WIZARD checks with the GENERAL to get his opinion, a great run plenty of paper, good checks and clever FTs. LOONEY enjoyed it, VV got lost and TEENY WEENY thought it was too short. With all that thunder LONE WOLF was sure he was amidst a squadron of Iroquoi gun ships circling his position but that was probably just his PTSD kicking in again. Others said they saw them too, but that didn't help.
GM gets the Raffle going and incredibly the prettiest girls on the run win the first few prizes, it happens every week. . . go figure! An electric BBQ won by LUCKY NUMBER, Goy wins two litres of South Australian red wine, LIB wins box of chocs, GASMAN a Buddha gift bucket, SHITHEAD size 52E Bra which GASSY could have used and ODD-JOB a giant fluffy rabbit, There were other things which I can't decipher from my notes.
AIRHEAD reminds the Norwegians that singing is an obligation and even if they don't know the words they should hum along. The hares are called with a loud 'good choice, sir' from STUPID KRAUT KUNT. Complimenting the location of the circle and the intelligent ice drainage set up in the proper way. Nothing less would be expected from these two experienced hares.
LIB is like Brainiac who is smarter than Superman and ODD has been to North Korea three times and is in part responsible for the coming meeting with Kim Jonj Il and Donald Trump. The question is what are ODD's intentions with that giant fluffy Yetti rabbit he won when he returns to his jungle home, its ODD-JOB's Wilson on those long lonely nights out in the jungle.
Familiar TQ cracks into the circle Goy's mum, Goy and a friend named I MAU, ME MAU and SHE MAU. ANFI insists that the I MAU relates to a drunken night when Goy's new iPhone disappeared.
Scandihooligans pile on the ice and into the bucket. Those who survived the twelve hour ordeal were few but those who lasted sixteen hours were less than a handful. Another well organised bar crawl and its tenth anniversary.
Acting GM returns calling on GASMAN to take a seat followed by his seven Hammersley sidekicks. LOVE BOAT was then invited to identify who she had said looked like an angel, when sober sitting on the baht bus on the trip out to the A-site. She pointed out GASSY who is a little bit chubby but now she believes he is not an angel but is the devil in disguise. THE WIZARD thinks he looks more like Shirley Temple and then ices NO MORE CUM as Tottenham Hotspur beat Chelsea for the first time in thirty games and are even bigger cheats than the Australian cricket team.
THE WIZARD wore a Tottenham jersey to see what reaction he would get from people and was abused and spat on and that was before he had even left his house.
WANK-KING'S WANKER ices ARSE-HOLEO for 300 Runs, UNSTABLE LOAD 100 Runs, POCKET SOCKET 100, NEXT WEEK 100, POL FUCKER 50 and BURL IVES 5 hared cap.
GM thinks WANK-KING'S WANKER is entertaining in a Picasso sort of way. As we call on the hares who have nothing! Luckily TAMPAX has brought enough sound and musical equipment to stage an ACDC concert. Singing a classic "Syphilis I Don't Like You Anymore".
SCAR ices THE WIZARD who thinks English football is entertaining and STUPID KRAUT KUNT who is wearing a navy uniform because he thinks it will help him pick up chicks later that night and WANK-KING'S WANKER for turning up to the Scandi run with makeup and getting his head shaved like a pussy. WANK-KING'S says the only thing wrong with a pussy is its attached to a girl.
TEENY WEENY iced for something funny as there was so much laughter I couldn't hear the charge. Things were starting to get messy. GASMAN was iced for sleeping at SCAR's party and for finally coming out.
GASMAN's circle icing PAPRIKA SMILEY who paid Baht 3000 to join Hammersley and gets the annual mag whilst the boys have some blow cash to spend tonight. GASSY ices TEENY and gives him his Buddha bucket. MR POTATO HEAD and DAGS iced as SCAR has found a 35 year Hammersley hat and 40 year condom on one of his katoy friends.
NO MORE CUM ices THE WIZARD for supporting Chelsea who have no manners, but if they come to Spur country on a Saturday night they would be happy to teach them some. PHANTOM who was a FRB, then a walker, then a Beer Hunter and now buys a 69yo a lady drink. GASMAN who turns up to the ON ON last week for a feed without paying the B400 sign up. BEETROOT HEAD who gets very excited when losing at pool and getting all red faced.
WEE JIMMY is officially the GM of the Beer Hunters, SHITHEAD and other Hammersley team iced for doing well on another secret run, apparently they will understand what that means. Although Hammersley business should stay Hammersley so they bucket GASSY again. Hash Trash ARSE VON HOLE may lose his toilet seat if GING GANG GOOLIE cant explain why he doesn't understand VV's recycling bin instructions.
SPERM POLLUTER commands our attention and ices PAPRIKA SMILEY for thinking he is a Hammersley Hasher. NO MORE CUM for ball tampering, WANK-KING'S WANKER for taking the piss and his cigar looks like Obama's dick in his mouth, WANK-KING'S haircut would look better on a dumb blond than on a katoy's pussy.
RASPUTIN doesn't need a haircut, neither does ODD-JOB as no girl would ever look at them. FINGERLESS in the bucket because he tells everyone how he hashes all over the world and is always saying too much, except when he finds paper and quietly whispers that there is paper here instead of yelling ON ON like everyone else.
Last few down downs and the Hash Hymn and we board the buses almost leaving WANK-KING'S in the darkness. We end up at LK Metro I Rovers ON ON bar for more beer and some grub. There was a big turn up and plenty of beer drunk before we migrated over the road and finally it ended at the TQ.
On-On! K.A.M.