First some news, PHANTOM and KNICKERLESS were injured after coming off a motorcycle on Pratumnak hill. He reportedly suffered a dislocated hip. Wishing them a speedy recovery. The beach social event scheduled for 11 March will go ahead later on 18 March.
Run site dusty and featureless. Two virgins Mark and Fabien. Mark impressed by making his first hash utterance, that he is from London, a fucking lie, that was instantly nailed by the GM, who happens to be his brother-in-law. Hard to fathom the stupidity of this attempt to deceive!
Set off and after a few hundred metres came upon a very big crater with steep sides that claimed a number of casualties. Reminded me somewhat of the Ngorongo Crater in Tanzania, only much smaller, not beautiful, full of rubbish and the only discernible wildlife a motley crew of hashers making their way across the depression.
Fell in with a bunch of laggards including POLE FUCKER, ANFI and surprisingly STEPTOE. LORD CHICKEN FUCKER regaled us with a tale of his epic journey just to get to the hash. Wasn’t paying a lot of attention but he definitely said “fucking crocodile farm” at least 5 times. Heard too about Indonesians burning salt to make it rain. Usual bullshit.
Back to the on in, just as the front runners were arriving. Well timed! Beer’s on! Also wine, cheese and bikkies. Thanks to the hares.
GM’s circle. Hares on ice, all 7 of ‘em, though only 3 set the trail, VV being the main dude. French theme, all hares being from the hexagon, or thereabouts. Souvenir red t-shirt which looked pretty good. Still a few left if you want one.
Trail abusers who struck the trail with body parts other than the soles of their feet named, GI JOE, MAYO QUEEN and HANGING DICK. Down downs despite GI JOE's garbled and implausible self-justification.
Anyone lost some specs? What’s the correction? HARD ON was the careless owner and went to the bucket. REALLY SADISTIC BASTARD gave a note so unmusical he was put on ice. Why not enough berets for the hares? Who knows?
How was the run? ARSE BANDIT - varied carbon and dust. HAPPY SURVIVOR - no sweat! DIRT LOONEY - nice sticks and homogeneous. FUCK OFF liked the carbon slide. HARD ON reportedly sooted himself up to become an African and double his dick size. Hope that worked out!
HARD ON, not looking very African, called the raffle. HANGING DICK won coffee, ANFI won wine, SMOKEY TRUCKY FUCKY whisky, 'generic but gorgeous' Thai girl wine. At this point DIRTY PUSSY, a loser if ever I saw one, pretended to be a winner by confidently producing a non-winning ticket. On the ice! Other actual winners newcomer Mark, HAPPY SURVIVOR and PAPRIKA SMILEY. WANK-KING’S WANKER got the travel pillow, if you call that winning.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD's circle, hares iced, interrogated re nationality. Virgins introduced. John Johansson, no relation nor sadly resemblance to the gorgeous Scarlett, named WOMB BROOM on account of his superb handlebar moustache.
WANK-KING’S WANKER, your circle! He lurched into the limelight clutching a beer and proceeded to hugely entertain... himself! How many beers he’d had before the one in his mitt shall forever remain unknown, but let’s agree it wasn’t his first. Put 3 Frenchmen on ice for “doing 5 runs”. At this SCAR W/2T'S took a break from his enforcement duties to inform your scribbler that the buttock-cooling surrender monkeys were there for not merely doing but actually haring 5 runs. The Norwegian’s obsession with accuracy would in any other context be admirable, but this is the hash! So the ill-informed utterance of an inebriate trumps “the facts” every time. Congrats to the three, FRENCH KISS, PARISIAN TITI and DIRTY PUSSY for “doing” (whatever that means) the 5 runs.
CASPER 150 runs and FLYING FINN 200 runs.
GM puts offenders on ice. WANK-KING’S WANKER for sins too grievous and numerous to mention but mainly for scheduling the weekly Pattaya H3 run on a Tuesday. ANAL CHEESE for getting lost and scrounging a lift home with DEL BOY. BIG STICK for describing his relationship to a female companion as “like a sister” despite obvious differences in age and ethnicity. NO MORE CUM wearing Wanker of the Week spoon, supposedly mailed in from Canada if my illegible notes are to be believed. New Wanker of the Week - WANK-KING’S WANKER! Fucking Yankee according to SPERM POLLUTER.
NO MORE CUM’s circle. ANAL CHEESE, FLYING FINN and GANGREEN on ice! These fat cunts had caused a baht bus seat to collapse. Other offenders punished included DINGO ATE MY BABY, ROGER THE SICK PRICK, ATOMIC MUFF DIVER and DIRTY PUSSY.
Back to the GM. Visitor from Russia, Anastasia from Sakhalin Island, introduced. “Are you here to check out new boyfriends?” “Yes”.
Long rant from LORD CHICKEN FUCKER about the Koala virus. Evidently he contracted it while engaging in practical research for a new verse of the timeless classic, Beastiality’s Best Boys. We wish him a speedy recovery.
Sign off song "Fuck the Giant Penis" (to the tune of "Puff the Magic Dragon").
On on to Nicky’s Bar, more beers and good food.
On-On! Shithead