PH3 Run #2078 The Teletubbies Christmas Special Run
Foreword...
Firstly, Milky Piss played by Teletubby Po gets a hare credit in this imaginary version of events even though he did fuck all and didn't even bother to turn up 🤬... let's call it Po-etic license. 😉
Secondly, I usually have a gummy bear or a Tramadol after doing a hash trail. Today I was in a lot of pain so I had both and they kicked in just as I started taking notes 🤣🤣🤣 Ho ho ho, oh well here goes...
After Sperm Polluter spread a deadly sex virus to other members of the PH3 committee at Pussy Snatcher's beer 'n dogs bash the Christmas Run and the very existence of the PH3 lies in jeopardy. CBeebies, a UK children's TV company, offers to help out by relaunching the Teletubbies show based around the PH3 Christmas Run. Their idea being if nappy-shitting, dribbling toddlers enjoy watching it then why wouldn't your average incontinent, drooling, senile, pisshead hasher? If successful it could lead to other old favourites making a comeback like Magic Roundabout, The Muppet Show and even Captain Pugwash!
Friday 20/12/2024 At the Emergency Teletubbies Mismanagement Meeting TINKY WINKY said he was only playing if he could be The Wizard. DIPSY moaned that she never got to be in charge of anything but she was happy to play Spermy. So what's left for us? cried LAA-LAA and PO. You can be the fucking hares laughed Tinky Winky Wizard. What do hares do? Do they play in the garden all day like our bunny rabbits? No they fucking don't! They lay the trail, buy the snacks, make the food, serve the down downs and anything else I tell them to do said Tinky Winky Wizard. That sounds fucking shit cried Laa-Laa and Po. It is fucking shit said Tinky Winky Wizard. But then you get to sit on the ice and in the bucket all night! So it's not all bad he laughed. Hang on, Spermy's a hare. So Laa-Laa you'll have to be Dirt Looney and Po you'll have to be Milky Piss. We just need someone to play VV now... Where's Noo-Noo? Tinky Winky Wizard calls the Tubbytronic Superdome vacuum cleaner over. Can you drive a truck? He asks... How the fuck would I know? replies Noo-Noo. Oh well I guess we're gonna find out... they all giggled.
Monday 23/12/2024: The A-Site is in Teletubby Land by the Tubbytronic Superdome. The sun is shining high in the sky with a big baby's face grinning and giggling all over it. The beer truck is parked right outside. It's got a few new big dents in it but the beer seems to be mainly intact. Just a little shaken. Noo-Noo VV is muttering something about the last two crashes weren't even his fault!
About 124 hashers have congregated for this festive event and been rewarded by the PH3 with a Christmas hash towel. The A-Site has been decorated with a massive bauble, tinsel and a fabulous Christmas tree.
15.55 The Voice Trumpets come up out of the ground "Time for Teletubbies, time for Teletubbies!" The Teletubbies slide up the chute and pop out of the Teletubby roof hatch. 'First Circle in 5 minutes' Shouts the GM.
16.00 Tinky Winky Wizard calls the first circle to order Hash Hush!!! Eh-oh! he says. Eh-Oh! the circle replies.
Any virgins here today? 6 Newbies from Finland, USA, Italy, South Africa and Slovenia are welcomed to the PH3.
Anyone wearing New shoes? Muff Designher and Luca, one of our virgins from Italy are given a Chang to quaff from one of their expensive new Decathlon trainers.
GI Joe sings the first note... 🎵 Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po. Teletubbies, Teletubbies, say hello! Eh-Oh, Eh-Oh! Giggle giggle. Drink it down down down down. Down down down. 🎵 Two pairs of new shoes are now fucked!! 🤣
Announcements? Laa-Laa Looney... Laa-Laa Looney shakes his jar and asks for everyone to chuck in their change for the Take Care Kids Foundation.
Hare Raiser... Dipsy Spermy cums in the ring holding his handbag. Hareline is full through January he says. But we need hares from the middle of February.
Get in the fucking bucket says the GM. No fucking handbags in the circle! You should know that!
Rags... many colour, many size, only 350 or special price 700 for 2... come back fit and well soon, we miss you Something Stupid!
GM says the On On will be at High Rollers tonight with free food and beer bucket bargains... a show of hands and 57 are going. Wow!!! Also the Christmas party is at Hustlers on Christmas Evening not Christmas Eve for all the thick hashers who don't know the difference 🤣
Fat Max... Fat Max asks for hashers to give him their ring pulls for his overdue new left leg. He already has about 500 today from Papa Dick's last few weeks spent on the piss at home. A great start! 🙏
Hares come in please and tell us about today's trail.
Milky Piss Po and Mayo Queen cum in the ring joining Dipsy Spermy. They say the trail is all around Teletubby Land so it's going to be fucking lumpy and covered in rabbit shit. As it never rains here it should be a dry run they lie... BUT, being a CBeebies Xmas Special there's a chance of snow. 4km for the walk and a challenging 8 for the run!! Trail starts that way they point. Fuck that! I think and having fallen down drunk again recently I joined ten other beerhunters. A challenging 0.25km hike up the 331. WE sat in some shithole mom 'n pop shop for an hour talking about the Pattaya bar scene in 1976. In 1976 I was 11 and more interested in chess and wanking so my contributions were minimal 🤣 An enjoyable couple of beers though sponsored by Stupid Kraut C*** and Arse Van Hole. Cheers and welcome to the Beerhunters our virgin today Pussy Snatcher!
As we walked back to the A-site the FRBs were coming home. Shit On My Chest beat Herring Choker and Boring Wanker, and Shy Tiger was the first lady back.
Noo Noo VV and 2 Time had prepared a complimentary PH3 BBQ of top quality sausages and French bread with all the trimmings and Scar with 2T's had made his Christmas glug, a very potent Scandihooligan version of mulled wine. Delicious! Cheers guys!
18.15 Second circle... GM starts off with Hash Crashes. About 60 hashers try to squeeze on the ice. It seems the blizzard and icy slopes on Fuck Me Mountain caught all the hashers by surprise and the swamp at the end had swallowed up our virgin Luca.
Hash Trash... Paprika Smiley has lost another expensive phone, Mayo Queen lost his machete while setting trail, Tebu our SA virgin dropped a tiny piece of plastic during the first circle... get in the bucket! If we all did that at the A-site nobody would have us back on their land. Noo-Noo VV brought more trash out including my beer cooler cup which I left somewhere stupid last Wednesday. I was happy to sit on the ice to be reunited with it. 🥳🍻 Dragon and Fleece got the bucket for arguing who left their chair at the same drunken event. 🤣
Rrrrrraffle... Black Panther has come dressed as Santa's Helper today in a tiny red bikini with white fur trim, red heels and Santa's hat. Get your dicks out guys shouts Tinky Winky Wizard... sorry, I mean your tickets. Get your tickets out!! We're all hoping for lots of sixes in the lucky, winning numbers!
First lucky bastard is Happy Survivor who grabs the red vino supremo. Splinter Dick goes for a luxury towel. Are you ready? Number 2... 2... sex... zero... sex ❤️ Paprika Smiley is compensated for losing his phone by winning the J&B whisky, Smirnoff Ice for lady Nam, 6 pack of Leo and a seat on the ice for lady BMX. Virgin Andre from Lithuania claimed the mystery prize donated by Muff Designher which turned out to be the mallet used by Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe... really?? 2 prizes left and Many Drinks takes the biscuits and Genie In The Bottle nabs 10 Kamikaze shots for any night time he visits Emperor Airhead at TQ. That would have been my first pick if I'd won. The lucky lucky bastard!!
Tinky Winky Wizard puts our Hares on the ice and asks some hashers for their thoughts on the trail. Sperm Bank said it was too wet, Scar said even considering who the hares were it exceeded all his expectations, Tampax said it was Wet Wet Wet! Yuk a wet Tampax 🤮. Panzer Fister said his 8km walk was too muddy, Fleece said it went from dry and baron like Dragon to wet and smelly like ? I didn't catch the last bit cos the circle was in fits of laughter by then. 🤣🤣 Window Wanker loved it but sounds like he short cutted. SLAP said it was the best trail this week... it's only Monday!! And finally Car Licker moaned about losing his shoes in a swamp... GM said he should learn to tie his fucking laces up in future!! Thanks hares for a great effort laying trail for over 5 hours!
Emperor Airhead's circle and predictably the hares are straight back on the ice 🤣 Dipsy Spermy is dressed as Santa and EA recalls the days when you could safely take your kids to shopping malls at Christmas time and they could sit on Santa's lap... those days are gone he declared! 🤣 He congratulates the hares on the A-site which is lit up by the star of Bethlehem from one direction and in the other direction you could clearly see Ur-anus. When he calls for a note for the hares it turns out none of them have any down downs. Wtf are the hares doing?? We're on the ice Sir! 🤣 Finally, a note is sung and we can move on.
Arse Van Hole is recognised for his involvement in the PH3 since it's beginning in 1984. An ever present Beerhunter Boss and a very helpful Beer Police Officer. Cheers to him!!
EA calls all the Swamp Rat Bar Crawlers onto the ice. There were around 50 out on Friday and it seems most of them have turned up here so there are a dozen on the ice and the rest are excused. EA quizzed them on their day out but it seems they could only remember that they met at Kronberg at noon and the rest was a bit of a blur 🤣 Bubbles has been AWOL ever since...
Scar's circle... GM congratulates Scar on his Glug and then Scar ices the noisy bastards who can't shut the fuck up. Window Wanker, Cranky Yank and Shit On My Chest are suitably chastised.
Next up the virgins are called in. Genie In The Bottle becomes Genie In The Bucket as with a hash name he is clearly not a virgin even though it is his first PH3 Run 🤣. Scar forces all the terrified virgins to say how much they enjoyed the day and made them all promise to return soon. Andre has brought his mallet with him so She's The Boss gets iced as he invited Andre to the hash and should have briefed him better. Scar then turned his attention back to the Genie who unfortunately was wearing Swedish colours 🤣 Big mistake!!
Black Panther's cousin Mai Mao and her daughter are called in and Scar, completely out of character, offers them each a free hash shirt... well I guess it's PH3 money, not his 🤣
GM's Circle again... GGG iced for wearing a Swamp Rats shirt and a home made Happy Coat throughout the second circle. How long has he been hashing?
Muff Designher and virgin Slovenian Andre are iced and asked about the Yorkshire Ripper club. Andre loves it but wouldn't say what he was going to use it for. A Slovenian Wife Beater was suggested.
GM invites Dipsy Spermy in and Panzer Fister is congratulated on 100 runs with the PH3 and Two Time receives her 500 runs shirt. Well done both of you.
GM ices Gobblin' King the co-founder of the 7/11 hash. He is congratulated on the now international success of these events and as he started it 5 years ago in China he is blamed for the causing Corona Virus Pandemic. 🤣
By now Tinky Winky Wizard is pissed as a handcart having overly indulged on the glug. He has forgotten who he was going to nominate for the Wanker of the Week award so he hands over to Dipsy Spermy for the hare's song.
🎵 Suck on my, lick on my, suck on my cock...🎵
He sings to the tune of Jingle Bells Rock. 🤣
The final down down is sung along with the hash hymn and a pissed Tinky Winky Wizard says everyone can take 2 for the road as it's Christmas and the BBC is paying. He looks at Noo-Noo VV who has been smoking with Gangreen all evening... you gonna be alright getting the truck back to town? He asks. Noo-Noo VV shrugs and laughs... "I guess we're gonna find out man" he says.
The A-Site is packed away and half the hashers decamp to High Rollers for more beers, partying, karaoke and free food. Great job Casper!!
Two days later...
It's Christmas day at the Bangkok Hospital Pattaya. The PH3 Committee are sat in the Highly Infectious Disease Quarantine Unit Communal TV Room. The Teletubbies Xmas Special is just coming to an end. The Voice Trumpets come up out of the ground like submarine periscopes, "Time for Tubby bye byes, time for Tubby bye byes" they say. They all do their usual plea for just five more minutes before reluctantly going back inside the Tubbytronic Superdome to bed. The credits roll and the familiar theme tune plays. Oz looks at Spermy and says. Fuck this shit mate, I'm out of here! If a bunch of stuffed, cuddly toys can run the show they don't need me anymore. VV says I'm with you Oz, have you seen the fucking state of that beer truck? Fuck 'em!! They all drink a final down down. We need to recover quickly or I'll be Captain Fucking Pugwash next week! Says Oz, And guess who'll be Seaman Staines laughs Spermy. Anyone else fancy being the next GM? Asks Oz... I'll have go. Says Milky Piss. It's yours! Says Oz. That's my boy! says Spermy.The head nurse comes in and says "time for PH3 bye byes, time for PH3 bye byes." Five more minutes pleeeeeease. They all cry before they shuffle off reluctantly to their rooms. Goodnight Wizard. Goodnight everyone. Goodnight Spermy. Goodnight everyone. Goodnight VV. Goodnight everyone. Goodnight Milky Piss. Goodnight everyone. Goodnight Dirt Looney. Fuck off ya pricks! I ain't driving that fucking beer truck either so youse can all fuck right off!! He says.
Afterword...
It's not widely known, but as a lad Spermy worked as a milkman and from a very early age he was delivering far more than just Gold Top and clotted cream on his rounds! One of his favourite customers had the hash name Piss Flaps and their first love child was given the hash name Milky Piss. That's right! Our Milky Piss!! Our next GM!!!! It is rumoured that Spermy has sired hundreds if not thousands of Little Spermy Bastards who have been infiltrating hashes all over the world ready for the 2025 Piss-Polluter Hash Revolution!!
On On, Merry Christmas and all the best for the PPPH3 (Pattaya Piss Polluter H3) in 2025! Cheers, Fattus Maximus.
PS. Being serious for a second... Thanks as always to the PH3 Committee for their hard work over many years and especially to Oz for running the show so well for so long and VV for all his countless contributions including running the beer truck for 10 years! 👏👏 Tough acts to follow for sure!! But congratulations to those brave enough to stand up and take us forwards next year... Milky Piss the new GM, Bubbles (if we find him again) the new bookie and Spastic Whore King the next Hare Raiser.
On On! Fattus Maximus