I’d like to propose a new name for Fattus Maximus – Something along the lines of Verbus Maximus or Loquacious Maximus – read on for the explanation.
So we had an experienced hare and a virgin hare and a brand new A site which Miss Google was unable to find. Emperor Airhead spent two hours on his motorbike trying to find the start and others were similarly perplexed. From my own time recently in France using Google the same lady also needs French lessons – have you ever heard of Per Pig Nan?
I should like to scotch the rumours that the absent Leg Over had run off with a French waiter half the age of Shit Lips. It was a Spanish waiter.
In the first circle Fattus Maximus was called in to tell us the state of the hare line. He went on so long the GM left the circle and sat down!
The beer hunters looked worried as the new A site did not appear to have a nearby drinking hole. The baht bus driver sorted them out, apparently.
There was a nice breeze at the start which presaged rain and, sure enough, it started just as we started running. Chip Chip went out looking like she was on an arctic expedition and a few umbrellas decorated the back of the Walkers line. The rain soon stopped, however, so all we had to put up with was the increased humidity.
It was a great trail for short cutting. As a back marker I was able, on two occasions, to look through the palm oil trees and see runners no more than 100 yards away going in the opposite direction. After the split I came across a group of shopping ladies who pointed me down a wide trail straight back to the bucket – thanks girls.
First runners home were Mudcracker and Boring Wanker in just under the hour – however there was talk of them both having short cut. First lady back was Black Panther closely followed by 2 Big Beautiful Somethings (nothing to do with BB but I can’t remember her hash name). BB found himself unable to partake of the run as he was making a bucketful of gin-based grog.
Hot Hope did a great job selling the raffle tickets. Her sales technique is, how to put it, different: “Give me your Goddam money, Goddam it” never appeared in any of the sales courses I attended.
Onto the first circle and Hash Trash.
For the second week running a distinctive sun hat was displayed. It was claimed by Frogsy Moron (a former employee of French Intelligence, apparently). The same man had attended the run last week but had failed to recognise said hat.
He promptly put the hat on and was called out for wearing a hat in the circle and bucketed. GI Joe chose the most appropriate “He’s dumb, he’s dumb…” for his Down Down.
Another hat went to Drag Queen.
For Hash Crash Pussy Snatcher was called in (and lucky to avoid the bucket) as he tripped over one of the Japanese children.
Black Panther drew the raffle numbers and most appropriately ticket number 21999 (nein, nein, nein) was won by a German!
Squeeze won an XXL Aussie T shirt – probably enough material for at least three shirts for her.
Emperor Airhead iced the hares and demanded more signs to the run site (which admittedly were in short supply after the first turn off Phoenix Road).
He then got Sheikh Meme and KAM on the ice while he reminisced about the annual Aussie run they used to set out at Khao Mai Keao.
We also got the latest episode in the Night Rider Soap. According to Airhead he has got his girlfriend back but his bicycle had both of its wheels and the saddle stolen. The thief then chained the rest of the bike to the railings with a Kryptonite chain so Night Rider couldn’t even take the frame home!
She’s the Boss was presented with a beautiful hash get well card for Happy Survivor. No expense had been spared on the card – in fact no money had been spent at all as it was hand drawn on the back of a beer carton. Still, it is the thought that counts.
Apparently She’s the Boss is getting very good at the housework and looks most fetching in his flowery apron.
Fattus Maximus was given the circle. He is dead chuffed at getting a T shirt for his scribing efforts and he called in three of the more distinguished writers who seem to have managed to scribe without a special T shirt for many years. The three were General Kidney Wiper who is closing in on the record set by the late Lord Chicken Fucker, BB and Shitlips.
Arse Van Hole was recognised for 400 runs (calls of “Get a life” from the circle)
Lastly, Sheikh Meme took the circle and iced Dirt Looney. There followed, like a stand up comedian, a bunch of quickfire jokes. The last one of which, for some reason, applied to DL. It went something like this:
Teacher: “What is the most important punctuation mark?”
DL “The period”
Teacher: “Why”
DL “Because when my sister said she had missed one my Mum fainted, my Dad went mad and the next door neighbour left town”
As a follow up there was an award for Environment Impact. Hot Wheels, Fattus Maximus and Double Rainho were iced while the Sheikh asked various fatuous questions about each persons’ environmental impact. Hot Wheels won the cup but I can’t remember why.
The Hash Song was sung by No Hope – which seemed to surprise him and all he could manage was a very short down down ditty.
And so it was onto the last Down Down, the hash anthem and further jolliment in the Kubla Bar.
On On Shit Lips