Welcome to the Adventure Run – The boys and girls of the PH3 Academy are to enjoy a most excellent adventure starting with the magical transformation of the school bus into a sumptuous, newer, version by Potions Master Sir Frog. On to the train station at Soi Siam Country Club where the boys and girls wait patiently in line, holding hands, to be counted by Master of the Dark Arts Lone Wolf and Sir Frog so to receive, at enormous expense, a train ticket to Si Racha Junction, location of the dark forest, where the adventure is to truly begin. Following a mysterious re-encounter with the magic bus at Si Racha Junction we arrive at the A site on the edge of the dark forest just two hours after starting our journey.
We set off suitably humbled by a warning to respect the dark forest and also being impelled not to return to the bus as it was shortly to disappear and, magically, reappear for pick-up at our final, as yet unknown destination.
The first check, in sight of the still visible bus, contains dark magic that leads to 90% of the pack swinging from ropes tethered to the top of a nearby hill. The spell is eventually broken by Karamba cleverly chanting the magic word “FT” and the hashers are obliged to return via the slippery steep slope whence they had came with the exception of Hell Boy who made his own way, at great personal risk, through the uncharted forest. Really Sadistic Bastard was not amused by the appropriately really sadistic nature of the check. The check is eventually broken in the opposite direction up the hill and into the trees. The Master for Dubious Sayings Sir Chicken Fucker who was slowly leading some of the more clueless boys by the hand and bringing up the rear as usual arrived late at the first check and spent close to one hour searching in the bushes with the boys for the trail. Whereupon Harry Potter, riding a ladder, appeared out of the dark forest and cautioned them to head back to the, still visible, bus. Disappointed their fun was curtailed they complied.
The usual suspects, Karamba, Jello Butt, G.I. Joe, Mrs. Head, Beverly Hills Pink Cock lead the pack and break the next few checks with relative ease notwithstanding the occasional FT. Meanwhile, in the middle of the pack Steptoe has some invisible wire jump out of the grass and slash the back of his leg, no doubt the product a crafty incantation by the hares, King Yao Yao is suitably impressed and gives thanks it was not he that encountered it. On to a small sailor pulling on his rope (in the middle of the dark forest?) and cursing as they do, on closer inspection he turns out to be none other than the Headmaster of PH3 Spaghetti Head. More clambering up hills and rocks and onto the unusual sight of two ladders positioned in tandem so to aid the runners in the ascent of a sheer rock face. Atop the final ladder is Lone Wolf waiting to assist the girls with a well placed hand. More hills and Barnacle Bollocks’ sea legs finally give out partway up and he takes a breather which allows a huffy puffy Squeeze My Tube to overtake.
It’s the second to last check and Beverly Hills Pink Cock checks back, Jello Butt checks forward, both hit FT. Steptoe goes left and finds the trail, it’s downhill all the way to the final check. Karamba and Festering Streaker go left, Mrs Head goes straight on, Steptoe goes right. It’s On-On left, and subsequently On-In to the B site which is some 200 meters from the A site. Spag Boll and Pate courtesy of the hares.
The Circle
Sir Chicken Fucker ices - “those lame bastards” who came by car rather than the bus King Yao Yao, Sir Terminal 4, Apples Turnover, Up the Butt. Followed by the Hares Spag Head, Sir Frog, Lone Wolf, Odd Job for a job well done despite heavy rain. Are You Sure is iced for mistaking Honey Bunny calling “Bees” for “FTs” and subsequently screwing the run.
Seaman Swallow announces raffle winners – Ballringer, Sweetie, Honda Wet Dream, Honda Dream, Arse Hopper, Sir Frog (iced for delay in producing ticket, massive arse mistaken for early full moon), Free Willy (volunteers ice for second coming of full moon).
Sir Chicken Fucker ices – Arse Hopper for wearing poofter shoes and being a paedophile. Colonel Cornhole for being a tight bastard in that he didn’t buy his girl Oi new shoes for the hash. Hell Boy for being potential Olympic 2012 (Parkistan) long jump champion always provided he begins training and weight-loss immediately.
Free Willy (School Uniforms Prefect) - awards down downs to - Satan’s Willie 50 runs, Festering Streaker 300 runs, Sir Frog 60 hares T-shirt. Returnee representatives Karamba, Honda Wet Dream, Honda Dream, Colonel Cornhole, Helix. Virgins and sponsors Colonel Cornhole, Oi, Karamba, Taxi-dermist + 1.
Sir Chicken Fucker ices – Oi for a wearing hat and not committing to taking off her clothes as entertainment on the bus on the way home. Helix for 50th birthday. Dirt Digger and Poo for knee trembler in the circle. Harry Potter for crossing over to the dark side by wearing the shirt of “those who shall not be named” (bl*ck sh**p).
Spaghetti Head invites the bidders for the Hash beer truck to drink – Up The Butt (winner), Miserable C*nt, Hell Boy.
Sir Frog ices – Sir Chicken Fucker, VV, Miserable C*nt for prior knowledge of secret train journey. VV and Sir Chicken Fucker grass out Spaghetti Head (iced) as snitch. Miserable C*nt gets the bucket for talking back, Fini The Faggot is iced for repeating Sir Frog’s words. Wrinkley Bottom Village people King Yao Yao, Apples Turnover, Sir T4, Up The Butt iced for sourcing, in advance, the location of A the site from Spaghetti Head. Beverley Hills Pink Cock iced due to his remarkable resemblance to Seaman Stains who is lost on his way to the A site and now presumably in Soi 6. Fini The Faggot iced because Sir Frog likes him? Jello Butt and Karamba not calling. GI Joe for over the top calling.
Bam Bam gets “they who shall not be named” on the ice for a sheep cuddling song, Miserable C*nt, Sir Frog, Lone Wolf, Karamba, Bottomless Pit, Fini The Faggot, Hell Boy, Harry Potter.
Lone Wolf sings the hare’s song and obliges Bam Bam to wear Gorilla head and Festering Streaker a Werewolf’s head both get to dance.
And it’s all back to Pattaya on the magic bus.
On On
Steptoe