Well, it’s a lovely sunny Monday afternoon. And I'm sunning myself in this lovely area next to a lake. When I woke from my slumber. Lots of cars and people start arriving. By the way. My name is turd. Mr Turd. A big size ten as just fucked up my day. I am now being dragged around by some person who does not even know that I am here. Then I hear about a circle of ladies and gentlemen. Sounds like a real nice man. I cannot see him of course, stuck under this pricks size ten shoe. Hares: Mr Stains and Mr Cabbage Kinevel tell us about a run. Run, what run! I don’t want to be dragged around the countryside. No consideration! What about the headache I will have?
Off everyone goes. I am lucky, I am not at the front of the pack. About mid-way. I catch occasional glimpses of runners. A nice looking 18 year old as just run by. The last I see of her. People of all shapes and sizes on this run. Then everyone stops. I hear checking, checking, and On-On and up a rocky hill. This is punishing my body, and bits of me are falling off. I again catch glimpses of puffing hashers. We go up and then reach a false trail. And off again we go hearing On-On. And I am not feeling too well at this moment in time. More of me is falling off with every pounding of this persons size ten. We then check again! And then On-On and off I go again. I am getting use to this stop and start by now. But it’s really playing havoc with body again. I am not sure if I will be there for much longer. Then I hear On-In. Sounds good to me. And we are back to where it all began. I can hear some people saying good run and well done! And then somebody comes next to me and says. Did you bring something in on your shoe. I then see the ugly bastard who as been dragging me around. When he lifts his shoe and takes a smell and I am obliterated never to been seen again.
On On
Sir Footloose
The Circle:
The GM, FREE WILLY, called the circle to order and quickly iced today’s hares: SEAMAN STAINS and CABBAGE KNIEVEL. Before the GM could udder one word, “Shit Run” filled the air. How could that be? Every runner was covered with black soot and sweating profusely! Obviously, they had to run their butts off to find paper, run the short hills, and/or race to get back to the front of the pack from the false trails and back checks! Things quickly mellowed out as individuals like G.I. JOE, TIMMY TIGHT PANTS, GERMAN SHEPHERD, and other “real runners” said it was a “good hard” run.
SEAMAN SWALLOW conducted the raffle and “as usual” filled the iced with the noisy ones! Raffle winners: MAD COW, STINKY SLOPPY SECONDS (2), FROG LICKS ITS DICK, SQUEEZE MY TUBE (2), MOUTH FULL OF MUFFIN, and PHAI EVANS (Free Run Ticket) enjoyed their winnings along with their cool drinks.
The GM presented the anniversary winners: MAD COW – 100 run mug and shirt, and DAFT VADER - 150 runs.
EMPEROR AIRHEAD iced the hares and then digressed “as he always does” - when a “New GM” takes over – and once again changed Past GM’s policies to suit “his wishes”! When will PH3 hashers learn to “bow their backs” and cease being controlled by one individual “who is no longer the GM”! A good run was voted for today’s run “unanimously”! It’s unbelievable that SEAMAN STAINS would make the statement that “while haring this run – he had never been to some of the places that he had been this time”.
The Beer Police Commissioner, F’N DOG was brought in to explain the “shortness” of one of tonight’s Beer Police volunteer’s – SQUEEZE MY TUBE. It seems that he wanted to show that there was “equal opportunity jobs” open for everyone who volunteered – no matter what your gender and/or status (height) was! Some individual’s are placed on a “raised platform” to reach the top! Or is it to reach the bottom of the cooler?
FREE WILLY welcomed the returners and visitors; told the leavers to FO; and checked the virgins for being proper attired. SIR CF’r iced SPAGHETTI HEAD along with SHIEKH MEME and talked about a “rumor” that he had heard about SPAG. HEAD volunteering to have his head shaved – just like MEME’S if an acceptable charity was found for “funding”. SIR CF’r brought in SQUEEZE MY TUBE to tell her that she was the “most beautiful” Beer Police (person) that he had ever seen. It seems that he forgot that he said the same thing just a few runs ago when CABBAGE FLAPS volunteered to “pop tops”. That Chicken Man seems to swing like a flag in the breeze!
RETARD WANKER put into the bucket (per normal) because he bragged about not being in the bucket last week and because of it, he had “the best sex” in years! Only problem was – that it happened in “Boys Town”! BABY WIPES iced because of his newly grown disguise(a mustache and a goatee). It was revealed that he had recently grown it – due to his ex possibly entering the local area in the near future! T-4 iced because he complained about paying his share of the local tax for his residence! He has been a little distraught lately about “Thai politics, the world economy, and the local weather”! He is seriously thinking about returning to the UK to become a “welfare worker” and help the illegal immigrants – so they don’t turn out to be just like him!
DR. DICK’S latest toy – ERIKA “ROSE” ROKHLINA, from Russia, entered the circle and a short story about how she disrupted the “English” pitch during a match was related! No, SIR CF’r did not get to touch or see what caused the “player/spectator” swinging disruption! SHIEKH MEME iced BABY WIPES, PUSSY FACE to see if there was a resemblance; FROZEN BOLLOX and RETARD WANKER to prove that one loved ice/the bucket and the other individual disliked both ice/the bucket. It was also explained how FROZEN BOLLOX complained that the selection of beer “on the 25th Anniversary Run was very limited – no Leo! Who would travel half way around the world to drink Leo – only FROZEN BOLLOX!
MEME iced SCARLET, SEAMAN STAINS, CABBAGE KNIEVEL, and SHIT THRU A DUCK for items relating to today’s run! BARNACLE BOLLOX attempted to intervene and ended up in “the bucket” where he stayed for quite a while! ROD OSBORNE received his time in the bucket also! ANDY LEMKE and TONY BOYCE were able to test the ice out for the first time tonight! G.I. JOE iced – only because he lived 3 blocks from the Pittsburgh Steelers main offices and didn’t know that they were in this year’s “Super Bowl “ and also didn’t know that they had won it!
MEME iced the GM, FREE WILLY and told him of his visit to the doctor because of “nightmares”. It seems that SHEIKH MEME has been seeing “giant hogs/pigs” dancing in a bikini and G-string, in his dreams, at night! The doctor advised MEME to take some medicine and wait 1 year and it would all go away! BARNACLE BOLLOX entertained the circle with a song about “the Farm and its Animals”. SEAMAN STAINS and CABBAGE KNIEVEL sang their hare song prior to SEAMAN STAINS leading the circle in the “Hash Hymn”. Good fun was had by all – oh, “by most”! See you all next week!