So I went across the street to Au Bon Pain and had a blueberry muffin and coffee Americano while I waited for the bus. No bus. G.I. Joe didn't seem too worried, but at 3:40 Squeeze My Tube phoned and asked where the bus was. It arrived a few minutes later. We arrived at a very familiar running site for all veteran hashers, somewhere near Wat Yang. But at a new A-site that looked a lot like the top of Spaghetti Head's cranium. Plenty of virgins and visitors, but no new shoes. It was good to see a few of the old hashers again: Uncle Pervy back from his successful voice operation in Canada, Barnacle Bollox and Katoey Anal Masturbator (KAM) from Sydney. In honor of KAM's return, our beloved bus driver Johnny wore last year's Australia Day Run T-shirt. The bright, bright red Rum Rebellion shirt. Pattaya must have the best dressed hash bus driver in the whole world.
Anyway while everyone else was out running, Sir Chicken Fucker, must have had one of those quick and mini-lobotomies. Because after the run and after I had consumed enormous quantities of Uncle Pervy's homemade brew and after the circle had been called, SCF informed me that I was the run scribe for the day. So the run report will be entertaining if not completely factual. Clouded by Pervy's home brew. One of his best, I might add. We took off down the road and turned left. I was a little stiff and sore running after the two hash runs on Saturday and Sunday. However, I eventually got into it. When I got to the first check, there were people everywhere. Great check!!! After a long time, I heard the melodic voice of G.I. Joe shouting on-on. I caught up with Sir General Kidney Wiper and we followed Miss Pink Singlet, Nice Ass, Long Legs for quite a while. The General has always been a better runner than me, so eventually he passed her and was off running at another level. I've always been a better pervert than the General so I stayed behind her. I needed inspiration for my third consecutive day of running. We got to the second check and I came in just after Queen Stella. Most people were down in a valley. The Queen was reluctant to go down into the valley, so I decided to check to the left. Now usually I'm the guy standing in the shade shouting, "All right all you under 60's, check it out." But there wasn't any Sun, so there wasn't any shade, so I was a bit confused and ran down my first false trail of the day. By then G.I. Joe had found paper 180 degrees in the opposite direction from where I was running. We eventually got to a road and I was running quite well. Suddenly I heard G.I. Joe's voice, but it wasn't in front of me. He was running parallel to me, but about 80 meters to my right. Obviously, I had missed a 'turn off the road into the tapioca plantation. I turned around and found the right paper just as Miss Pink Singlet, Nice Ass, Long Legs got there. So, more inspirational running.
I was very interested in seeing Midnight Star out running all by herself. She already has all the qualities of your typical female Thai hasher. She ran past me, stopped and went off into the woods to do some foraging for food, came back, ran past me again, stopped and then I never saw her again. Not bad for a seven year old with 335 runs. So Seaman's Princess, Queen Stella, Mrs. Head, Ewok, Tadpole and all you others get ready to move over. Thailand's next generation of female hasher has arrived. For those who did the whole run on paper, it was 7 kilometers long and there were 7 checks. So, that's about one check for every kilometer. For you geriatrics, your grandchildren can explain this one to you. Any way, I was very happy to finish the run in about an hour. After drinking copious amounts of Uncle Pervy's home brew, the circle was called. Everyone agreed it was an excellent run. Squidy/Derelict said it was the best Monday run he had done in twenty years. Well done Seaman Stains and Dog Licks Its Dick. In the absence of some of the usual entertainers, it became more or less a one man show. Sir Chicken Fucker did an excellent job of controlling the circle and entertaining us. For instance, Emperor Airhead is back in Utah paying homage to Brighom Young and checking on his rapidly dwindling inheritance. BB and Barnacle's Bollix both chipped in with two or three excellent songs. The always lovely Seaman's Princess did her usual excellent job with the raffle. Icing Karamba and Sir Chicken Fucker and putting Squidy in the bucket. Sir General Kidney Wiper picked up his 500-run prize. For someone who is a part-time runner and a full-time worker providing for his Thai wife and two daughters, this is an incredible achievement. Well done Sir Kidney!!!
Of course the highlight of the evening (for me at least) was when our hash flash spotted that lone of the female virgins, Julie, had a tattoo on the very top of her right leg on the inside, just to the left of what I would politely call 'the box' area. She got a picture of this, so maybe it will be in the next 'hash sheet. She was worried that the tattoo might say Seaman Stains. Sir Chicken Fucker decided that he would take a close look, so he put on his reading glasses and had a closer inspection. He wasn't sure what it said, so Sir General Kidney Wiper got out his reading glasses and also made a closer inspection. At this point, I decided that as the scribe, I should also make a closer inspection. So I got out my reading glasses and also got a much closer view. So now we had one lovely young virgin hasher, Julie, standing in the middle of the circle, skirt down around her knees while three veteran hashers (combined age of over 180!!!) were getting a close look all three with their reading glasses on, at her crotch, I mean tattoo. Nobody could figure out what it was. In this case the act of inspecting was much more important than the conclusions.
It was the end to a great hashing weekend. When I left Classroom 2, there were only two hashers left. KAM was attempting to individually revitalize the economy of North Pattaya, putting thousands of baht back into the Thai community.
See you all next week.
On-on,
E.T.