Firstly, thanks to Bam Bam for assisting me with HHH names of PH3 rabble today present. Any HHH name errors are hence entirely his fault!
Circle Offenses:
1. Hares coordinate a sun-baked, shadeless Lager site where everyone sweated profusely prior to the run.
2. Miserable Cunt actually smiled!
Run Offenses:
1. Fini the Faggot runs full bore past a cattle herd while ON IN, luckily not causing a stampede which would have taken out most of the Thai female contingent who were walking on the dam road above the lager.
2. Colonel Cornhole’s ‘nurse’ – later named ‘SAME SAME’ – ‘failed failed’ to accompany her Norwegian invalid boyfriend on the run. He is recovering from a leg injury.
3. Zeal Zucker led other FRB bright sparks to the Lager off-paper in their quest for that non-existent glory of HHH victory – a bucketable infraction…….and he even managed to do this after German Shepherd and another daft FRB showed him the trail by running the ON IN backward…..
Chicken Fucker started off with queries: “Anybody not yet here? Anybody still out or lost on the trail?”. “If so, please raise your hand!”
Spaghetti Head raffled off today’s wares. Among the winners: Teeny Weeny x 4 (yes, he is in girth 4 times larger than all present HHHers and virgins save for Free Willy), though ‘x 4’ signifies him a lucky bastard who won 4 raffle prizes!); Free Willy x 2 (one being a free trip to the ice bucket with a double down-down, which he have to Wham Bam); Honda Wet Dream x 2; Smiling Brown Spider; Try-A-Fuck; German Shepherd; Black Justice (iced for wearing a non HHH hat in the circle); Bow Wow; Fucking Dog (who chose a gay porno movie to watch, most likely with Bow Wow); and Cabbage Flaps (who won the last prize - a mini pocketbook complete with a hair comb and an unused tampax)…..during the raffle Hellboy was iced for being noisy and full of shit in general.
Departers (Fuck off, you Cunts, fuck off……): Teeny Weeny & Weeny's Teeny.
Emperor (1000+) Airhead ‘squared’ the circle, warned that ‘non singing’ is a bucketable offense, and iced the Hares. While on ice, Fucking Dog endured a lengthy accolade from Airhead including congratulations on having hared 30+ PH3 runs. Airhead also chastised ‘all lazy fucks’ who have been slack to hare runs, and hares remain desperately needed for the immediate future. Airhead’s sole complaint to the iced Hares was ‘the lack of HHH signs leading the faithful to the Lager, specifically one at the corner of Soi Pakao’. The entire circle did agree with Fucking Dog that, virgins and visitors aside, Airhead amazingly doesn’t know where Soi Pakao is after his 30+ years in Pattaya …..Airhead also praised the good works of today’s Beer Police, Cabbage Flaps & Horse, and also the well-organized Nazi efficiency of Bottomless Pit in running and maintaining the beer truck as a German Uboat would be……Airhead also noted that as a result, ‘beer thievery’ by the sordid HHH pack was ‘now nearly non-existent’ and mused that Sheik MeMe’s absence was probably due to the fact that he can no longer pilfer full beer crates to stow away in his large kit bag…….. CIA was then thrown on the ice and praised for his stellar yellow and red HHH shirt with the acronym DFL (Dead Fucking Last) on the front and the slogan “Moving At The Speed Of Beer” on the back. The normally demur and always secretive CIA was also exposed by Airhead as having become mesmerized by a TQ1 Go-Go Dancer who undulated her ass inches from his face. CIA, after having downed 50 or so beers, was undulating in sync with her and then abruptly reached up with both hands and slapped her ass cheeks, Charlie Manson style, to leave red hand prints embedded in her buns – Bitch Abuse in the TQ! He ‘healed her wounds’ by plying her with lady drinks until she could hardly see, yet refused to fuck her, as his recessionary pay cut prevented him from meeting the bar fine…..do you believe that shit?
Hellboy was then iced with his 3 Canadian Engineer Bum Chums, whom he has retained to design and build a 4m x 4m Hot Tub – 16 Man! Airhead rightly stated that PH3 is a hetero Hash and that gay intrusion (a continual internal dilemma for VV) must be stymied with vigilance. He is also confident that the Jesters may find the ’16 Man Hot tub’ curious at Hellboy’s new establishment on the dark side.
Chicken Fucker iced the hashy birthday boys – Spankinstein, Emperor Airhead and Charlie Manson. Where’s the birthday cake? It was smashed on their heads and smeared on their necks and faces as appropriate…..Fini the Faggot is thrown in the ice bucket. Airhead asked for a birthday wish while on the ice, “Fini, will you be my birthday boy?” Airhead also said that ‘Charlie Manson’s family should be tracked down and killed’…..Chicken Fucker then lied to the circle, stating that the HHH is democratic and put VV on ice as the birthday cake supplier, though the cake actually came from Tampax.
Returners: in for down-downs, though the GM didn’t bother to ask where the fuck any of us had been – not that any one actually cares! The GM (who is always right) says that Viagra sales in Pattaya are way up and that he hence has a permanent hard-on. Airhead told him to ‘stick it in the pencil sharpener’…..
Anniversaries: Smiling Brown Spider – 200 run shirt; That’s The One – 100 runs.
Chicken Fucker, by the power invested in him, christens Colonel Cornhole’s girlfriend/nurse as ‘SAME SAME’ after inviting her into the circle to sit either on the ice, on ColonelCornhole’s lap (who was already on the ice) or on his face!
Baby Wipes (a former owner of an Aussie sex shop) and his 31 year-old son (who remains nameless) are iced and Chicken Fucker remembers them from when he frequented the place buying rubber sheets for his gay orgies …..Teeny Weeny interrupted the GM’s momentum with the old joke about Muslim inflatable sex dolls that ‘blow themselves up’…..
Virgins Steven Voegeli and visitor James Daly are iced along with their sponsor Black Justice, as the GM has noticed that ‘we do have a fuck up’ Surprise Surprise! Virgin Voegeli, a Zurich cop in real life, has been garbed by Black Justice in an Interhash T shirt! His meek excuse is that the Zurich cop ‘did buy’ an HHH T shirt yet did not bother to put it on……what can one expect from a Pig? Free Willy ices Cookoo Cop so that ‘All Pigs can drink together on the ice’, and the look of bliss and total contentment on Charlie Manson’s face is a definite first for everyone, including himself…..
Teeny Weeny, reminds the uninterested that he has over 350 PH3 runs over a nearly ’79 year’ ?! history of HHHing about the world. The circle unanimously agreed with the comment (source undetermined) that Teeny Weeny ‘always hashes around his belly if not the whole world’! He iced Lone Wolf and Little Wolf and then brought in VV, saying that he was ‘one of the world’s best HHHers because he has hared over 100 runs’ Charlie Manson correctly said, “That’s because VV has no life!” Really Sadistic Bastard was iced by Teeny Weeny as ‘one of the world’s worst HHHers, with over 1000 runs and has hared only 1’…..Teeny Weeny’s impassioned plea to the circle, “Pitch In! It doesn’t take much…..the ‘comaradery’ is worth it, so muck up, you cunts! We need hares, scribes and beer police!”
Chicken Fucker ices Mad Mick; Charlie Manson yells, ‘short people have no reason to live’! Twinkle Dick (a fag from San Francisco) and Apples Turnover (Biker extraordinaire) hit the ice as well. Chicken Fucker tells Charlie Manson to quiet down, or ‘I’ll take you in the bushes!’ Obviously Chicken Fucker then looks much more a ‘chicken’ than does Charlie Manson……
The GM is informed that the Thai pooying are ‘holding their own circle in the dark’ and Charlie’s Bullet Hole is hauled in the circle to explain. She says, ‘throw my man, Charlie Manson, into the bucket – fuck him!’ (no, that’s your job!)
GM asks, ‘Who’s not yet been on the ice? Miserable Cunt!’ Teeny Weeny bellows that ‘Miserable Cunt nearly ‘rear-ended’ me last week’ – no one was sure quite what he meant, yet this is Amazing Thailand where anything goes……Chicken Fucker tells us that Miserable Cunt has ‘been skulking about his house and neighborhood with no particular good intent save to try and sell houses to people who have no money.’
Cabbage Knievel is iced, as his wife Cabbage Flaps, is a Beer Police Broad today. Chicken Fucker tells him that Cabbage Flaps may require that ‘role reversal in the bedroom‘ occur later tonight. “Cabbage Knievel, you may have to wear panties and lace and endure bondage, whips, chains and the lot and like…..and if you use the typical excuse of ‘Darling, I have a headache’, you may find that your beer police broad wife may service you with a truncheon much bigger than yours!”
Robbing Bastard and Try-A-Fuck (my wingman as a virgin PH3 scribe) are iced and accused by the GM of wearing G strings and being guilty of ‘sperm receivership’, as we should not forget that we are all now in a recession! Robbing Bastard (a tax collector in real life) has his name changed by the GM to SPERM COLLECTOR because ‘he cares about collecting sperm and taxes from this current and future generations’……the re-christening is accompanied by Chicken Fucker’s version of the Elton John/George Michael tune ‘Don’t Let My Son Go Down On Me’ and his favorite self-descriptive ditty, ‘I’m Happy To Be A Lady Boy Until My Dying Day’…….
King Yao Yao conducted the Hash Hymn, the circle was closed, and everyone fucked off.
No Hash Shit was given, and the consensus was that PH3 1341 was a good run.
I am confident that a place on the ice shall be reserved for me on my next PH3 run, as I, being a visiting HHHer, sat in the circle while scribing. This is apparently ‘against the rules’, though we all know that the HHH has no rules…..
On On
Ice Cold Shot aka Na Hee Man
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