The gathering of the hounds at yet another picturesque A site marked the start of a medium run voted anything from excellent right down to, ok by the circle. The run was announced as another of those, all too rare, live hare runs. The hares duly departed, the run announcements were left to Spaghetti Head who, in usual style described the checks, paper and …. and … and … had no fucking idea where the run started. Finally, it seemed it was either this way, or that way, maybe!!!
So, a flat run, some water, a bridge over troubled water, excellent checks and some great false trails that saw the walkers pass the front runners on several occasions. Most runners seemed to have the good sense to have taken the high road leaving Tadpole still running well after last light. Word is, she took the scenic route via Sattahip. The shortcutting bastards of course ran down the airstrip, turned left and rejoined the ON-IN part of the trail completing a grueling two hundred metre run. A marathon effort indeed! One runner even had his missus run out to meet him 500 yards out with a cold beer. The only things my missus runs out to me is her Visa bill.
So, a top run then back to the A site, a few coldies, a cremated burger or two, life is good. As darkness befalls us, the large number of holes deliberately installed in random pattern over the A site increasingly trap unsuspecting hashers, many of them several times, slow learners! The hares thoughtfully placed sticks in many of the holes so, not only did you fall in the hole but risked losing an eye on the stick as well. One virgin thought he’d lost both eyes and got bad injuries from falling in holes, as he was near fuckin blind and crippled when he boarded the bus. Turns out, he was pissed! No wonder Canada isn’t part of the US any more.
For those who were not listening or in case you missed it. Pattayas’ most eligible batchelor, Sir Chicken Fucker is in the burger business. Names were considered for the new venture and the obvious, McChicken Burgers was, of course taken, so McFucker Burgers it is, look for them soon on your Soi. Stay away from the mayo though!
So the circle call went out, but not before Robbing Bastard tried to choke a small child by force feeding him a scalding hamburger. The Black Sheep, dining at their lavish, waiter serviced table under blue mood lights were duly roused, and proceedings began. It was noted that the economic recovery is alive and well in Thailand with a return the three blocks of ice where there were two.
The Raffle.
Amid cries of foul, SMT, the ticket seller, won the first draw, a seat in the bucket, and duly sent GI Joe to his fate, nice bitch! We then saw a virgin win the draw, then SMT again, and then the fucking virgin again, the same one! Now, I am no statistician, but I ask you, how can the same two people win the raffles twice each in succession, when over 100 bods had tickets. I am reckoning she had a sticky finger and the two tickets stuck to each side of it. No wonder that bastard virgin was scratchin his nutsack all night.
The winners lineup continued with, Mark Landert (funny hash name), Free Willy, Mademoiselle Chang, Stinky Sloppy Seconds, who of course won a free run ticket, again. And then, strike me fuckin dead, its itchy nutsack again!! Did this bastard buy all the fuckin tickets or something? Or has sticky fingers been in there again? Oh, and guess what, SMT won the next draw, that bastard is gunna wear his nutsack out if he keeps scratchin it like that and she keeps helping him. It’s a bit like a Tasmanian raffle, a million tickets sold and only three surnames in the book. Next up was Cabbage Kneivel who won his own donated prize back, well that’ll be a cause for celebration, you idiot! Try it again next week, speak to sticky fingers and itchy nutsack, bet you get a show. And last out, old Banker Blower.
Downings and drownings.
Fini the Faggot and Was Woos Washer as hares, led a star studded lineup seated on the ice. The consensus was a good run but it seemed doubtful the false trails were laid on the fly.
Dirty Pussy iced for complaining about the run and Hash crash resulting in a knee injury. Maybe he should have walked around the A site to jar his knee back into place.
Skinny Dick Kunt and Lance my Assalot’s virgin wound up on ice under Emperor Airheads direction along with Miserable Cunt, Sheik Meme, and Spaghetti Head. Offences ranged from talking to not listening right through to, not listening because you were talking.
The Hares back on the ice, with Fini explaining that he had sticks in his ass because they wouldn’t fit in his bag. There was debate as to whether they were Hash Heroes for a great live Hare run.
Next on, Squiggly, Lance My Assalot, Skinny Dick Kunt and 4 virgin cracks. One Virgin, you guessed it, (itchy nutsack again) got his fool self tossed in the bucket for giving cheek. Him, of all people, gives cheek! All were dispatched with a note and happier for the experience!!
Then, there was the TQ affair that saw Col. Cornhole and Fini on ice. Appears the Colonel withdrew 50,000 baht from the ATM and put it in Fini’s bag, as you would! Then he couldn’t remember where it went. Where am I when these people are around? I am a little unclear whether this was the same night Sheik Meme shouted the TQ bar a round or not. Then, knowing Meme, probably not!
Under accusations of grave suspicion, Liberace takes a cool seat next. Seems he takes a shitload of pics at the Hash but nobody ever sees them, a secret book perhaps? Is there such a thing as a Hashophile? I always thought he was a suspect looking bastard.
Hares on in! Was that plural? One bastard has already pissed off leaving poor, poor, Fini to run the down downs all on his lonesome, poor, poor, Fini, sit on that ice you bastard! And stop your fucking whinging.
Then a lineup of cool assed leavers, Lone Wolf, Apples Turnover, Fingerless and Horse, yes, fuck off you bastards.
The great noise on one side of the circle was finally curtailed by the icing of the guilty. James, Ritchie, Nong (unusual name for a Thai) Glen White, Skinny Dick Kunt, Linguini Weenie plus another two virgins. Lucky we had the seating arrangements covered for that lot.
Lone Wolf on in! Too vocal you bastard, take a seat!
Wee Jimmy, Skinny Dick Kunt, Tit Puller, Knob Marley, and Lance my Assalot all scored a down down for being returners. Wee Jimmy gave so much cheek he had to dip the dot in the bucket, noisy bastard!
Lone Wolf was, yet again, rather rudely interrupted from his animated discussion and iced for talking. It took three goes to get his attention, he was so engrossed in what he was on about. So, ice for him seems fair enough.
Cabbage Kneivel, that raffle prize guru (for fuck sake!) became the ice man for not haring a run with Viper, The worm and Twiggy. Seems they were all born on the same day. To this day it is referred to a FRBT (Fuckin Real Black Tuesday).
So the votes are cast and counted, and unanimously, Sheik Meme, elected unopposed, takes the circle. Where is itchy nutsack and SMT? With absolutely no fuckin idea what to say, he delivered in usual grand style and iced the lone remaing hare, Fini The Faggot who not only fell in a hole on the A site but frightened off his fellow hare.
Next up, the Swiss Virgin (thought there was something moldy cheese smelling about him) and Linguini Weenie on the ice for too much noise. Frog noises at that. Two frogs in a pond! All we needed was thermonuclear warhead to TEST!!! No, we haven’t forgotten you bastards!
A deserving crew iced next with Skinny Dick Kunt, VV, and Miserable Cunt. Skinny Dick Kunt was anointed a name change to Skinny Dick Jockroach Kunt. At this point VV tried to escape the bucket but was caught and returned.
The two Canadians, GI Joe, Baby Wipes and Sir Chicken Fucker shared seats next. The Canadians because they are and GI Joe for being a lying leaver, he could drop dead any time soon. Baby Wipes for putting an H3 sticker on his shirt to make it a Hash shirt and Sir Chicken Fucker for being a bachelor and telling her to fuck off, kicking her out and losing his shoe in the process.
We then witnessed Fini the Faggot being iced and presented with the new improved KY Jelly, a bottle of Tiger Bum, and a torch to find his way. (Think we should all stay away from him) He was joined by some rather vocal supporters, Odd Job, 2 Phuket Hashers and some other bastard.
Sir Chicken Fucker with his usual charm cajoled Airy Pussy into taking the ice with skin whilst Skinny Dick Jockroach Kunt, Lance my Assalot and that nutsack bloke all rushed to take to the ice beside her. Perverted bastards! Not to be outdone, the old fox then filled all seats with female virgins. I really like this guys style! Robbing Bastard and Dirty Pussy then had a name change each. Robbing Bastard had his name changed last week to Sperm Collector and sooked and sooked to have it changed back.
As the noise rose from the Norgies side of the circle the gay fraternity (that’s them) were all iced. That shut the fucking lot of them up!
Next, two virgins, that nutsack bloke and the smelly cheese guy were trying to root eachother in the circle. Someone threw cold water over them, separated them and they were duly iced for their efforts. Dirty bastards!
So, as the night grew into the later hours, the last remaining hare Fini the Faggot was called to sing but took the ring option instead. Sir Chicken Fucker led the choir into a very appropriate rendition of a famous QUEEN song, Lazing on a Sunday afternoon, originally made famous by the Kinks. (yep watch that Mayo alright)
Lone Wolf, Bam Bam and that nutsack bloke, all took a down down for a combined birthday.
The anthem was sung and so ended another great evening on the Pattaya Monday Hash.
Thanks to Bam Bam and others for help in composing this masterpiece of literary nonsense!!
On On
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